Even though I was only 23, I can still remember everything about walking into the newsroom for the first time and that feeling of actually being a daily news reporter.I had worked for a local weekly suburban newspapers for about a year and made the right friends and connections and had found my way here. Jeez, was I nervous? What if I wasn’t as good of a writer as I thought? What if everyone hated me? Oh, man, what if I whined too much and was the complete girl reporter that everyone despised?But what I didn’t know was I would find a little family in that newsroom. And after hearing recently of the passing of one of my fellow journalists, my mind is flooded with all the memories we had all of those years ago in that small satellite office in Collinsville, Illinois....more
There are those hidden corners within the self many of us don’t want to face. I have existed by avoiding the shadows throughout my life. Disassociation helps many of us function as humans. The hurt is too much to face, so we cope through drugs, alcohol, sex, work etc. But eventually, shit gets real. 78 days ago I decided to get sober. I did this for many reasons....more
I just spent time with the three most amazing human beings that have ever lived. I carried all three of them in my womb for nine months, creating a unique and special relationship from the very beginning. I gave birth to two wonderful beautiful girls and one amazing handsome young man. I've taught them how to crawl, then walk and talk. I potty trained them and taught them manners. I took them to school the first day then followed the bus all the way to school to make sure they made it okay....more
Early last week I received some harrowing news. An old friend of mine lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly. He was young. He was healthy. And they had a family. I grappled with how to respond. What do I do? What should I say? How should I say it? It took me awhile to wrap my head around the situation and get my own emotions in check. When I did, I wrote a message and later in the week, I sent a card....more
I have been alternating between bursts of intense activity and bouts of inertia, accompanied by STUPID eating. The good news is, I have gotten rid of another five boxes of books, and a back seat full of clutter (including a bag of mugs and a kitten tree, among other things). The recycle guys are probably groaning when they get to my address, and the trash guys may or may not be muttering under their breath at me. But I've gained back two of the pounds I lost, and there is all this CHOCOLATE in the pantry for some reason!...more
I've been thinking the last few days about those very early days of learning we will have a life without children. First, infertility, then childlessness. I remember those days, even though they were many years ago. I felt as if I had been slammed into a brick wall.
The week after next, January 19th, will be 3 months since mom died and I think I'm only feeling it now. I'm incredibly sad. I'm tired. I'm empty and I feel as though I have nothing to give, although it seems as though I still am giving. Going through the motions without feeling much of anything but sadness. This is the first week where I'm actually allowing myself to do nothing, since she died and I refuse to feel bad for this little bit of selfishness. Next week, online classes start again, along with getting my business plan started, so I'm reveling in doing nothing....more