Teaching Your Kids To Deal With Bullies
by There are few feelings more powerless for a parent than finding your child in a bullying situation. It is heartwrenching, for both parent and child. And though the profile of the bullying issue has been gradually raised over the last several years, it's still a situation that often leaves parents and kids wondering what to do next.
As another tool in teaching families to cope, PACER (an advocacy organization for children with disabilities) has named next week (October 5-11) the Third Annual National Bullying Prevention Awareness Week. They have launched a website geared for kids, with tips on what to do when dealing with a bully (Don't react. Be with others. Tell a grown-up.)
Interestingly, I learned of this website at the same time I was hearing some blog buzz about a workbook called Bullies To Buddies: How To Turn Your Enemies into Friends, by Izzy Kalman. It is notable in that the advice it gives runs contrary to some of the conventional wisdom on the bullying issue, because, the author claims, that current anti-bullying initiatives aren't as effective as we've been led to believe. In particular, he says that getting adults overly involved will often backfire:
School personnel are being required to intervene when kids quarrel. Unfortunately, the almost always escalates hostilities. In fact, most of the bickering and fighting that goes on between kids is actually caused unwittingly by the attempts of adults to make kids get along. Thus, educators are being required to do the very thing that makes kids fight.
The mom in me bristles at this, a little. I find myself wanting to protect my kids by telling them to involve a grown-up. But, Kalman says, the best cure for bullying is to teach children to handle it themselves:
If you are a victim of bullying, there are two basic ways to solve your problem. One way is by forcing everyone in the world to stop bullying, and then you will be free of bullying. The other way is by teaching you how to stop being a victim.
He's got a good point.
Laurin, of Laurin and Kelly Talk, has been reading the same book, in preparation for her child's first year of school. She has changed the way she is approaching the issue:
My "just ignore her" advice now seems naive and pointless. Sometimes you can't ignore a bully or walk away. Sometimes cruelties are hissed at you while you sit in class or wait in line and have to be addressed lest your lip begin to quiver or worse, actual tears begin to fall. I have seen my baby's eyes fill and overflow asking me why this little girl was so mean to her. It is an indescribable pain. I would prefer to bandage a cut that I know will heal. Sometimes bullying wounds just don't.
I will empower my kids to speak up in their own defense this year by continuing to role-play. This approach in no way encourages the victims to bully back. Just the opposite. Kill 'em with kindness. Or humor. Or distract them. I'm training Erin to say "Oh my gosh, look! Are those the kids from High School Musical?
Melissa Fay Green of Wondertime interviewed the book's author. In her research, she learned, compellingly, that
[School-wide anti-bullying programs] don't work — and Kalman accuses them of worse than failure. He charges antibullying programs with teaching children that they are entitled to a life in which no one upsets them, that they can't solve their own social problems, and that at the first sign of aggression they need to call an adult. As the director of an Atlanta private school confided to me: "Whole-school antibullying programs are most valuable in the reassurance they offer parents."
Kalman lays out a detailed plan for disarming bullies, by injecting humor, acting unbothered by the insults, and treating the whole thing as a game. While it is hard to argue with the wisdom of empowering kids to change their situation, and to learn the reality that they are responsible for their responses, not every resource embraces Kalman's approach. The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, by Barbara Coloroso, parts ways with Kalman when it comes to involving adults. Blogger Alenka of Child and Me explains:
Barbara Coloroso thinks parents, teachers, other kids - everyone should get involved, that the ignorance of bystanders just makes the problem worse. I love other books by this author (e.g. "Kids are worth it" in my opinion is a must on every parent's bookshelf) and her approach seems more proactive, more involved, less humiliating to me, then Izzy Kalman's policy on letting every non-hurtful offense slide. Bulling is not only between the aggressor and the victim - everyone who stays silent and ignores it is part of it too. It is important to stop denying that this problem exists.
As with most every issues, parents will ultimately have to determine their treatment of this issue based on the specific needs of their child, and the situation in question. I suspect that most any expert in the field would agree that communication between parent and child is key. Author Rosalind Wiseman said on the Today Show that she recommends all parents tell their children that
"I'm not sure if this will ever happen to you but it's common for people bully to each other. It's common for people to use the internet and cell phones to humiliate other people. If that happens to you, you can always come to me and we can talk about what to do about it. And you aren't weak if you ask for help. Problems like this can be too big for one person to handle all by themselves."
Shannon Lowe is a BlogHer contributing editor (Mommy/Family). She also blogs at Rocks In My Dryer and The Parenting Post.
BlogHer Conferences
- Home
- About Us
- BlogHer Community
- Conferences
- BlogHer Network
- Special Offers
- Contact Us
Follow us on Twitter:
@blogher @bloghersupport @blogherdeals
Become a Facebook Fan
© Copyright 2009 BlogHer | Terms of Service
Comments
I was the victim of a bully
Shannon:Thanks for sharing this. I had a "friend" growing up who was a bully and for 28 years we have a very co-dependent relationship. I felt like I had to do what she said, and she felt she had to tell me what to do. Finally, at the age of 28 (right before my wedding) i learned to stand up for myself and put an end to this awful relationship. It was like a terrible breakup but I've never looked back - I'm a stronger, better person because of having let it go. I only wish I knew how to do it when I was 8 or 9. Hopefully someone else will benefit from your post and not be stuck, as I was, for so long.
SO scary
This is something I think about a lot as the mother of two young girls. I remember being bullied in school and being terrified to walk down the hallway to go to the bathroom. I had this one girl that constantly followed me until I got 'accepted' into another group of friends who took up for me. I never did for myself.
I have tried to teach my oldest daughter that we are kind to people, and that we treat them nicely, and if we have a problem to go to an adult. However, I also don't think if she is being hit she should take it and wait for an adult to get help, because oftentimes bullies attack when no one is around. Then what? Unfortunately bullies don't stop if someone doesn't fight back. There are times she will have to defend herself, and I want her to understand that she might have to do this. How do you tell that to a four year old? Hitting is not okay . . . but sometimes it is necessary.
Kathy
Allbusiness:Working Mothers
Mama Marathoner
My Kids Made It Through!
Thanks Shannon for this post. I have 3 teens and 2 were victims of bullying. It was horrifying and heartbreaking for them and for me. If it weren't for the fact that my kids came to me with their problems, I don't know how long it would have gone on. And I'm fortunate that the school administration took immediate action.
My son was chubby in middle school and was teased by one boy in lunch every day. I didn't know about it until the day he told me he was going to the counselor to let her know. She put an end to it right then and there.
My daughter was the victim of horrible sexual harassment last year in high school. She tried to tell the teacher in study hall, but the teacher ignored her direct complaints. She told me and I went to the administration. Again it was taken care of quickly and severely.
I'm afraid for the children who won't go to their parents or adult mentor, which happens so often. Children need to know they are safe to tell someone if they are being harassed and that there is an advocate for them.
No sympathy for bullies
So often people have such sympathy for a bully that they hesitate to protect the victims, who should be our first priority when it comes to care and protection. Frankly, I have no sympathy for the bullies; I give all my sympathy and help to their victims. I firmly believe that cruel, violent kids have no business in our schools. The public schools are there to give an academic education to all who want one; those who don't want one should not be there. School, of all public places, should be a SAFE PLACE for all of the students who attend.
"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."
Experience teaches
That you'll hopefully figure out which approaches work best for which children.
I'm going to be careful here, but I'd like to urge that the advice about not involving parents or adults be considered very very carefully before deployed. One of my kids was bullied all the way from 1st grade through middle school and one of my others also has had social situations that benefitted enormously from adult intervention.
My experience was that when the adults are professionals who have training and child development knowledge (specifically, counselors, assistant principals, guidance teachers), they can be an enormous source of comfort, advice and intervention.
My school district is incredibly serious about their zero-tolerance, particularly in the early years when kids' behaviors are starting to get set but also are very susceptible to influence from parents and other adults, as well as peers.
My kids learned to trust these adults and listen to the advice - which always revolves around how to help the child grow into someone who can manage everything themselves. That is always the goal - to have them resolve the bullying situation on their own -because then the bully is neutralized and the child is no longer a victim.
But I've seen the need and the benefit for adults to be involved and I have a real bias against relying solely on the idea that a victim must change so as not to get bullied. Yes - agreed - there are things that someone who is being bullied can do to reduce or eliminate the chance that it will happen. But I do not subscribe to any approach that would result in a child believing that it's his or her fault that another person is picking on them because they are vulnerable. That is something that no parent should tolerate (kids who take advantage of others' vulnerabilities).
Jill
Writes Like She Talks
Jill, I agree...
...that's why I tried to present both sides of that coin. I tend to believe that a mixture of both approaches is healthy. There are times to involve adults (I, like you, have some success with that approach in my own family), and there are times that kids have to handle it themselves. A discerning parent will keep her eyes peeled for what her child needs in each particular instance!
Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
www.rocksinmydryer.net
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family
bullying
We are trying hard to'toughen up' my 6 yearold. She LOVES to play the victim and given her autism diagnosis is already more of a target. Between those two things, we've already had a pretty bad problem with teasing this year. She doesnt quite get the humor thing but we are working on it
Fidget
Finding Yourself Despite Yourself
How do you speak up when the bully is making
fun of your voice?
Boys can be just as mean as girls. My son has a high voice that has not changed yet and he is being teased at school. This is the second go-round on this issue during Middle School. The first time I involved the school who handled it quickly... bu the backlash for me son was worse than the intial teasing. The bullies made fun of his voice and his "running to mommy". It was awful. Now, it's a single kid who is on him again for the high voice issue. And it's hard to speak up and defend yourself when people are making fun of your voice. He is begging me not to say anything ot the school or the parent... but his grades are suffering. ah...
Great resources in this article . Thanks. Gives me something to think about.
SatelliteSisterLian
www.satellitesisters.com
great advice
My daughter has been bullied a little this year.
Last night she said a boy threatened to kill her.
It broke my heart and found your post offering sound advice.
Thank you.