In contemplating my life at the ripe old age of
forty-five, and while going through a divorce, I came up with a list of ten
things I will not accept in a relationship. These ten things apply to
every single relationship I have, from work to family to friends and especially
to men.

1. I will not be controlled or manipulated.

Too often, we women allow ourselves to become
victims of manipulators because we are raised to be people
pleasers, especially women in my age group and older. Most of us
were taught to be nice and to make sure that everyone else had their needs met,
sacrificing our own personal wants for the greater good. The only problem
with this is that we frequently find ourselves enslaved to controlling people,
which in turn destroys our self esteem and leaves us vulnerable to becoming a
victim of some form of abuse.

2. I will not be lied to.

This came out of my twenty-one year marriage to a
man who could not tell the truth about anything. He lied about where he
was, how he spent money, his job, his friends, his other women... yes, other
women. I came to realize that being lied to is like being told you are
stupid by the person doing the lying. Do they honestly believe you are
dumb enough to buy their cock and bull story? It's like the five year old
who denies he ate your chocolate truffles. You know he is lying because
the evidence is all over his face.

3. I will not be abused.

There are many forms of abuse; physical, verbal,
sexual, emotional, mental, spiritual, etc. Unfortunately, I have
experienced all of the above. Many women have. I have been
molested, raped, beaten, called horrible names, manipulated, controlled, lied
to, betrayed, and made to feel as if I was the lowest piece of garbage on the
earth. In talking to women all over America, I have discovered that
this in an epidemic. Why do we allow ourselves to be treated so
terribly? At forty-five, I finally said "NO MORE!" and declared
my independence from abuse in any form.

4. I will
not be in a relationship with an addict.

People who are addicted to something have a way
of making your life miserable. We are
all addicted in some way shape or form to something. My personal addiction is chocolate, which is
generally harmless to those around me unless I can't get my
"fix". However, most
addictions are detrimental not only to the addict, but to everyone who has a
relationship with him or her. Being in a
relationship with an addict is an addiction in and of itself. I believed I could "fix" him. Wrong!
The only person who can fix the addict IS the addict. Therefore, I chose to exit the scene and
leave him to his addiction.

5. I will
not be disrespected.

When someone has no respect for you, you tend to
lose respect for yourself. I found
myself believing that I was worthless because I was treated as such. I thought myself unworthy of love, success
and happiness. When I woke up from that
nightmare, I realized that I am worthy of respect, not only from myself, but
from my children, my friends, my co-workers and anyone else who crosses my
path. I am an intelligent, capable,
talented, beautiful, loving, generous and kind woman worthy of respect.

6. I will not be in an unbalanced relationship.

Balance is essential to healthy living. Eat a balanced diet. Balance work and play. Good advice for a happy life. Balance is important in relationships as
well. If you give and never receive you
will be unhappy. You will become bitter
about the imbalance and start pulling back, which will cause the former
recipients to be angry, resulting in a deterioration of the relationship. I spent too many years trying to please
people; giving and giving until I was all used up; buying things for people in
order to win their acceptance and approval; doing things so that I would be
liked. I realized that this was very
unhealthy many years ago and decided to change my way of doing things. It was tough at first because the people in
my life were accustomed to being catered to.
However, it has been a good change both for me and for those I love. It took me realizing that I was worth being
loved just because of who I am and not because of what I could do or buy for a
person.

7. I will
not be with a man who looks at other women lustfully.

It is a generally accepted fact that men are
going to look at women. I understand
that. I look at men with appreciation of
the male form. However, I will no longer
accept being in a relationship with a man who looks at pornography or who
flirts outrageously or who decides it is perfectly alright to sleep with other
women. When I realized what a fabulous
woman I am, I decided that any man who gets me gets a prize and should not lust
after other women. I should be all he
needs. If not, he can move on down the
road. I will not accept playing second
fiddle to a fantasy in a magazine or to another woman, period.

8. I will
not be in a relationship that financially bankrupts me.

I used to think I had to buy things for my man in
order to keep him. I would go out of my
way to discover his likes and spend every penny I had to give him what he
wanted, even if it meant going without something I needed. I even did this with my friends and my
children. I ran up my credit cards so
high at Christmas that I spent the rest of the year trying to pay them
off. My epiphany came when my children
couldn't remember what presents they got just two weeks into January.

9. I will
not be in a relationship that emotionally bankrupts me.

It is better to give than to receive should be
rewritten for women, because we go way overboard with this one. It is good to give AND receive. That's the way I think it should read. This goes back to the balance issue. Many women give until they have nothing
left. I believe it is because we aren't
good at communicating our own needs to others.
We think it makes us look selfish, so we just silently suffer, becoming
bitter about the way we are treated. I
have learned to tell the people in my life what I need, and it is really
fulfilling to have those needs met. Most
people love to give, so I have learned to receive. It blesses me and the giver tremendously.

10. I will
not accept the unacceptable.

In other words, I will not allow myself to be in
a relationship with anyone who does any of the previous nine things. They are all unacceptable. Too often, we make personal declarations only
to back off of them when we fear being rejected. I will not fear rejection. I will not fear being alone. I will not accept being mistreated or
abused. I have learned that I am happier
alone than I am when I am in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat me
with the respect I deserve. Therefore, I
had to decide not to accept things that are unacceptable. I am much more healthy now; much happier as
well.