I need to vent in private. I can't live with computers that divulge the whole story to people who are too close to have perspective. Sometimes I want to tell only MY side of the story!
I'm tagging this irresponsibly. Hopefully only the truely INSANE will find me! And, so it begins..................
I know what the bishop said to me is true. “Write it down, Sherry. I’m TELLING you, write it down!” He called me into his office to make sure I knew to write in my journal. I sit here tonight in pain with decisions I have made in my life that has affected my dear sweet kids, and all the generations to come. How can I say anything that will be of value when my actions have not always been above reproach? I want to say it’s so I can share knowledge learned of choices made but honestly, the only reason I want to share that is to keep my sweet children and grandchildren from making the same mistakes??????
However, through good experiences and documenting life's winning moments as well, perhaps a full picture will emerge and the positive memories will build and grow and foster good works and integrity in my posterity.
I don’t mean for this to be strictly spiritual. I plan on this being a HUGE GIGANTIC summary of large and small experiences that will help explain my heart to those I don’t get to meet and maybe offer explanation for those I DID get to meet (therapy).
Today is January 2, 2013. I’m …....43? 44? 2012-1968= crap!! I’m 44. WOW! HOW DID I GET THAT OLD???? If you were to ask how young I feel right now sitting here in this bed watching Toddlers and Tiara’s (I know) I’d say I feel about 35. I don’t think that will go up as I age. Thirty five was great for me. When I am in heaven, I will be 35 so look at a picture of me at 35 so you will be able to recognize me!!
Another important thing to know about me is I have ADD off the charts! For example, between the last paragraph and this one, 45 minutes elapsed because I thought “wouldn’t it be cute to have a picture of me at 35 inserted right here so they CAN recognize me in heaven?” Well, typically, here I sit 45 minutes later completely distracted and no picture to show for it. That’s ok. It won’t be pretty, but it will be! I take adderall for it and I’m sure by the time my grandkids read this there will be all kinds of studies out there comparing adderall to strychnine. But, for now it helps me study and work without getting fired.
Things I know for sure - God, family and friendship is everything. In that order. Well, sometimes the friendship and family part get blurred because some friends are easier to talk to than family and your great aunt Edna may not be as easy to talk to with her advanced halitosis and all, but God first. The arm of God never faileth. I learned that the hard way. Thankfully, God gave me the grace to learn many of his tender mercies along that journey. They are kept in a paper journal. I hope to get that out and type it in for permanent keeping, but for now, that journal is under my bed. It is still painful to go back and read. Although I am grateful for the lessons learned, they came at a huge price. My stubborn nature lends itself to many difficult journeys but this was the most difficult. It has helped me remember to show gratitude when I’m feeling upset and hurt. It is with this feeling of debt and gratitude that I write my blessings tonight.
Today I am thankful for talkative old men with crooked teeth at the computer store that humor me by talking geek with me to make me feel smart. I am grateful for forgiving children that hear the fighting and pretend not to because they know it will be more difficult to explain than to ignore. This will have a price down the road. I hope to learn truth before the price needs to be paid so I can tell them why. I am grateful for Chris and Nome who just like me because I am goofy and normal. Not because they feel they have to impress me. I saw it in Chris’s eyes when he walked in and we hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks. The look of genuine “glad to see me” for no other particular reason than to make sure to get sympathy for his hatred of snow that we share. And for the lilt in Nome’s voice when she saw me walk in. The “heYYY KIDDO” (yes small letters, then the recognition). I love simple people who see it in me too. That accept me for my weaknesses and maybe even like me a little more because of them.
I am grateful for a father in heaven who assures me with his loving arms of peace that whatever comes he is near. It is everything.
I’m grateful for past primary kids who remember me 5 years later and tell their mom who texts me to say “he really loved being in my class and thought I was the best teacher he’s had.” Even though I called that class the class of 666 (the only classroom in the building with no number on it..... I quickly figured out it was because they couldn’t put 666 on the door!). I loved those kids and cherished the opportunity. I’m grateful that memory could be shared with me when I needed to hear it. I’m grateful for a strong mind that yearns for learning despite everyone that tells me “ it doesn’t matter WHY” and I’m even grateful for the things I have learned that I probably SHOULDN’T KNOW because of it! (kids, don’t worry about penile implants.... if you need to know at age 70, then you can google it. Until then, it will just mess you up).
I’m putting this out there. I wish I had some words from my Nana. There’s a few people I’ve felt “sameness” with and she is one of them. Her words would probably help connect some of the dots. Goal for tomorrow: lean more on God. I know this lesson as much as I know anything. It’s funny how you drift away from the truth when life gets easy. I’m grasping for it now. I need to remember to keep it close. Amen.
What if I don’t want to write about blessings today? I know, it’s only day 3 (i skipped yesterday). I can’t back out. But I’m angry! I’m hurt! I said I wasn’t going to be hurt anymore but I am. I think Walt Disney is going to hell! What business does he have writing all those stupid stories about prince charming and princesses being saved from the evil step mother? He fostered way to much discontent. I want the REAL story! The story of how prince charming rides past you on his really nice thoroughbred horse and splashes your dress with mud. And how he notices the mud but fails to realize it was HIM that got you muddy! He’s just disenchanted that you are covered in it. And listen to him call you CRAZY when you scream in vain to remind him that HE IS THE ONE THAT GOT YOU DIRTY!!!
I used to have dreams when I was a kid. I was in a mental hospital but I was actually sane. All of the doctors and nurses talked some different language and thought that because they didn’t understand my language then I must be crazy. Only I wasn’t! I was perfectly sane, they just didn’t understand me. It was actually very vivid and something I was very nervous about actually happening when I was young. When you think about it, growing up with a native speaking German mother who asked me if I was crazy constantly, it was actually a pretty profound dream! A pretty good way of sorting out what was going on behind the scenes of my mind. But here I sit tonight with a perfectly english speaking husband - never having felt the dream live up to reality more than at this moment. I feel completely misunderstood. I feel crazy!! How can I be SO RIGHT (because, we all know I’m very level headed and rational) and be so completely misunderstood? How can he NOT UNDERStAND????????????
I threw the book “Crucial Conversatoins” at him. THAT ought to get his attention! I feel like he lies. But when I read the book, I realize, he’s not LYING, he’s just not remembering HIS PART OF THE STORY!! HIS CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE TRUTH!! He only remembers MY bad and HIS GOOD!!! DAMN!! I yell and scream trying to get him to remember and own his part but I just look like a yelling screaming idiot! And I wind up crying, which is completely lame. Why can’t I have feelings without crying? I want to look like a bad A*#! I want to speak without emotion and just lay out the facts. But the fact that he only remembers my bad hurts my feelings! I’m SUCH A GIRL!!!!! I made it my New Years goal to care less. That’s what it is. Sad, pathetic, whatever. It’s my only hope. Because I can’t change his perspective. Right? If he chooses to see me only in bad lighting then he will eventually convince himself that I am worthless (a worthless piece of shit to be exact) and he will leave. Somehow, yelling doesn’t change that. It certainly doesn’t make me look any less accountable in our fights. It just makes me look CRAZY. So, the only thing I can change is ME. I have to CARE LESS that he does this. But doesn’t it mean that by not fighting for my integrity that the perpetuation of this issue will continue and hasten his exit from our marriage? I don’t know. It’s what I fear. It’s why I fight so hard. And yet........... the only way to try to correct the path of destruction is to let go. It goes against my very nature. But I don’t know what else to do. I sucked at letting go tonight. I did a little before dinner. But dammit he was WRONG to treat me that way when we were driving home and how DARE he be douchy to me after I sacrificed cooking for my kids to be with HIS kid! The LEAST he could do is be DECENT! Apparently not. My bad again. Unbelievable, he muttered. “This is crazy” he said after denying saying anything ornery with a tone. I should have let it go. I should have let it go....
My blessings for today? I’m grateful for being able to live in Pauls large home that has an extra bedroom that I can go to hide with I’m so angry and misjudged that I could explode! I’m grateful for kids that will either go hungry or warm up frozen burritos so I don’t have to cook for them.