BFFs & Mean Girls: Why Best

Friends Forever Can Be

Harmful to Girls

Having witnessed my daughter through K-12, she is now in college; the BFF thing is not a good thing because girls want to feel included, feel loved and need to belong to something out there in the world. It can be way over the top. Mixing emotions & peer-pressure with raging hormones is a mixture for girls behaving badly. Raising my son was hard, but raising my daughter was an emotional roller coaster of helping her deal with her friends' bad behaviors.

I see what you are saying. Now that you put it that way, looking back on my childhood years, having a BFF or at least being able to tell people I had one, was doing forcibly. I am not saying that BFF's don't exist, but I know from my personal experience having to put such a title on someone at such a young age comes with it's ups and downs. Most times you feel forced into doing it because you see other people talking about having BFF's and having things to show for it, and others you feel easily let down when those BFF's don't prove to be "BFFs". That happened to me, actually. So many of the friends I had, I was so quick to label my best friends forever when they really weren't. I did not start finding my "best friends" until college. Great blog!

I think the BFF culture has changed so much over the years. My closest girlfriend is still my best friend from childhood, but we both have so many other close relationships as well. I see the mean girl angle of the BFF in my private practice. I spend a lot of time teaching young girls what it means to be a friend. Great piece, Christina.

My experience lately has shown me that the people pushing this term today are the ones who used it back in the 80s. The moms. It's not all bad but I've met a few who do seem to want to use the term as exclusionary and push the bff mentality almost like it's joining a sorority (also not a bad thing, just not age-appropriate). My dd wasn't even 5 yet and one of her friends' moms used the term all the time around others, almost to stake a claim. I try to encourage my dd to have many friends, knowing that some will be closer than others and will change rules depending on the situation. And fwiw, I have several best friends, but w don't brand each other to the outside world as bff's. Seems unnecessary.

In life we are not going to be liked by everybody everywhere that we go. Unfortunately there are going to be times in which we aren't going to be appreciated and/or even respected. One has to hold their head up head and march on realizing tomorrow you will walk into a room where you will be liked and appreciated. Young people are growing up with the expectation that they have to be liked by everybody they encounter. Bullying is not exclusive to just children and teens, it is also happening amongst adult women and happening all too frequently. Self esteem can dictate whether or not we become a bully. Bullies are women with low self esteem deep down. That is why they bully and act tough. If they know they can't get to somebody, they won't even try. The weak link will be chosen as a target every single time.

I understand that girls can be mean, and it seems to be a bigger issue in some groups than in others. I have a BFF, and I'm a grown woman. I do call her my best friend, and forever seems an appropriate adjective as we've been friends for close to 30 years. We had the heart-shaped necklace that split in two. We had other friends, but those came and went throughout elementary school. Which is precisely why we were BFFs.

In 8th grade, we became close friends with five other girls. I suppose you could call us a clique, though, we never excluded anyone; we were excluded. We were nerds. We were unpopular. We were never invited to parties. Survival group seems more apropos. I'm thankful every day that I was able to have best girlfriends with good families and morals who had my back. I pray my daughters are half as lucky as I was. I'm still BFFs with those girls after more than two decades. And I'm proud to call them by best friends regardless of how juvenile that may seem to you and others.

No. It's the not the term. It's the mentality. And some girls, some PEOPLE just have it. They are oppressive and exclusive because they are cowards at heart. It's what they are. And these people will use ANY term, ANYTHING to make themselves feel better by deconstructing somebody else. Sad but true. The term "BFF"? Well, it's a silly thing used to stand for Best Friends Forever and yeah- it's stupid as hell, but not integrally BAD or dangerous- unless of course you're speaking of how inarticulate it is and the severe communication issues it reveals our children are developing because of this "texting revolution". Now THAT'S frightening. But if certain mean girls are using this term to hurt others, then they would have used the traditional "Best friends" phrase to be hurtful as well. And as for being oppressive, no, Mrs. Warner was REALLY exaggerating. The only thing that forces you into an unreal friendship is low self esteem. That's the problem here. Not a silly term. As for having a REAL best friend, it's the greatest thing ever. Nobody ever forced me into that. I've been lucky enough to be friends with mine for 27 years! We met in 1st grade. No comparison. I've been regularly blessed with incredible women who I am proud and humbled to call my friends. To me the "best" part is something I grew out of, but I know what my heart feels. They're all the best in their own way. For me, once I call you a friend, you mine as well be family to me. I'm not too social of a person so I don't let many people in my life. The ones that I let in though, they never leave. I take care of them. And they most certainly take care of me:) BUT, for all those young ladies- future leaders of America!- I'll say this. You have to be a real friend to deserve real friend, and that means being, or striving, for the best in yourself ;)

WOW! News flash, the world leaves people out! The sooner kids learn how to deal with that fact the easier of a time they will have with life. I am also offended that you would term an adult "best friend" as juvenile. I've had the same best friend since I was 14. We've seen each other through deaths of friends, parents, marital troubles, good times and bad, childbirth and parenting. It hasn't stopped me from making other friends, but I would never diminish our friendship by calling it anything but, BEST! I pray my daughter has a best friend and I hope that she learns that friendships do come and go and that she won't always be included and that's ok!

I was always very lonely and different in school and I craved having a "best friend" connection. Consequently I had people who used and hurt me because they could sense my desparation. Even in adulthood this happened on occasion. I find it very hard to form connections to people but I would rather be lonely than be betrayed again.

I had BFFs back in the day and it always ended badly. I am a free spirit by nature. I don't want to be weighed down by the "girly rules" of cliques. I have close girlfriends but, they live in other states. I have a group of women whom I hang out with locally and they are awesome. They all have their own lives and their is none of the cattiness BS. Hmm. I feel a blog coming on...lol

<Shivers!> This article sort of gives me a little nightmare remembrance of junior high school.

My friend said this, a good saying to remind ourselves of our whole life, "People come into your life for a reason a rhyme a season." Maybe a good phrase to show a little girl that everyone loses and gains friends their whole life long, that's why labels are a sticky thing to peel on and off. Better to just enjoy the blooms of friendship!

Interesting post. A lot to think about. My oldest daughter entered middle school this fall, and it's been a steep learning curve. I have two more daughters (now 4th and 1st) in the pipeline. I'm trying to soak up as much information as I can to raise confident, secure women. It's hard.

I appreciate you sharing this. It's certainly come up in our house, because my daughter will say someone is her 1st BF, then 2nd, etc. I told her to appreciate all her friends as equally as possible, sometimes you need certain ones for certain situations, etc.

Christina - SUCH a great piece! I'll think twice before I use BFF again. Oy...how much damage have I already caused? beyondthebrochure

While I do realize that the mean girl culture has become a serious problem, the having a best friend has been around a long time as have cliques and on again off again friends. I think it is important to know your kid and their personality. Some kids are introverted and will not have a big group of friends ,ever, and that is okay. I think it is more important to know your child and observe what is going on then to just call the BFF thing as oppressive. You can have a BFF and be a good person.

Part of it is the normal part of teendom where people are experimenting with and carving out their identities. Feeling part of a group is important, just as learning to stand on one's own is important. And as we know - both being teens ourselves once and now raising pre-teens and teens - all the explaining and preparation in the world won't take away the process of being let down, hurt, and learning for themselves.IOW, on some level, we just have to be supportive as they go through learning that girls can be mean - and boys can be mean - and that people use relationships in all sorts of way to find power, assert power, and - really - not feel so scared and alone themselves during these peak freak-out years.What *seems* to help my daughters - what helped me - was just hearing the experiences of parents, how they honestly felt when went through school. Being honest about the emotion, but providing real life examples of the real lights at the end of the tunnel. Giving them examples that these kinds of things have been going on forever, they suck, but you'll figure it out. Kids just want to know that even in their feeling abmormal, they are normal.Sometimes, friendships run a course, dwindle, but are then re-ignited. There is something bewitching in the idea of "soul mate" or BFF, but I don't know many "forever" relationships that did not have a few big moments when the relationship foundered.That said, I think keeping girls busy with sports, scouting, church, school, music, arts - at least through the young teen years when this kind of thing seems to reach a crisis point every week - is helpful. Kids who don't have a lot of other things to spend their time and energy on seem more likely to spend it on "teen intrigues". Also, I think limiting and keeping a Very Close Eye on how much online interaction kids have - and of what quality - is important. Facebook, texting, email. As easy as it is for kids to be cruel to each other to their faces, it's so much more easy to do it online and bring the Social Media Relationship Hobby to a fever pitch.

My best friend's mom makes $77 an hour on the computer. She has been out of job for 9 months but last month her check was $7487 just working on the computer for a few hours. Read about it here NuttyRich. c 0 m

My "best" friend isn't a juvenile attachment. She is the sister I don't have, the person who has seen me through the best and worst times of my life to date, and someone I would be devastated to lose.

Also, the BFF abbreviation may be new, but it's not a new concept. They had those necklaces when I was in elementary school, 25 years ago.

Using it as to exclude others is cruel, but I also think that for some kids, who may not have a large circle of friends, finding one or two close friends might be the difference between an exciting and a very lonely time in school.

I'm friends with no one :P I had one bestie once but I moved and never heard from her again. :(

I am a grown woman, and I have a best friend. I don't think it's juvenile at all. My "BFF" and I have been best friends since the 6th grade, and we have become even closer now that we have children and are married. However, we did not try to exclude others either. We went to different high schools, college, and now live in different states, and so we both have many many different friends. I have other friends that I am very close with. However, She is the only one I could truely say that i would be willing to be involved in a Dixie Chick's Earls Gotta Die senerio if it were needed.

My daughter is still too young to really have a best friend, but my hope is that as she grows I am able to teach her some of what I have learned about female friendship:

• There is so much value in having many different friends who each bring out the best of different sides of me.

• To call someone your best friend is like saying "I love you", it should be done with careful consideration.

• A real best friend is someone who is actually a Best Friend Forever...not your friend for a week until someone better comes along.

• And lastly, being one's own best friend is what allows us to go out into the world & be and make real friends.

I'm so glad your daughter is able to rise above the cattiness elementary school can bring. It sounds like you've been teaching her well. :)

-Gina

@BeyondBrochure I don't have a problem with the term BFF, per se, but, like you, I am concerned about the exclusionary tactics girls use with each other. My daughter goes to a small school and has two "BFFs"...one of them is always on the outs--although that may also have to do with three being an odd number--with hurt feelings. The good thing, at least, is those BFF necklaces from Justice come in sets of three!! :)

I think "BFF" is just the current term for what girls have been doing since the beginning of cliques. "BFF" is just Best Friends, which..when I was a teen VERY many years ago, was bartered around much like you mentioned in this post. I recall going to school and finding that my best friend was now best friends wiht someone else that had better shoes or a better snack to share. However, the term 'best friends' has always been weird to me, since 'best' is rather exclusive. I dunno...I don't see this with my daughter and her friends, but I have a feeling that while it is BFF's today, tomorrow it will be something else all too similar but with a different name.

As the mother of 3 grown women and 6 granddaughters- I find that I am most proud when one of them stand up for what is moral and right- and call out the buly or mean girl, regardless of if it is their BFF or not- I tell them Be Different- Don't be part of the crowd if you can feel iiin your heart itts wrong- then it is- Be a leader stand up for the meek.!

I think the most important thing to teach our daughters is to be kind to all of their peers, regardless of whether they are BFFs or not. I don't believe it's wrong to form a special bond with one person who really "gets" you. That's how I survived middle school. But I know that young girls, and sometimes older ones too, can use their friendship as a way to hurt or exclude others. In my opinion, that is what should be frowned on as parents raising the next generation of young women.

I am with you Christina, this is about setting examples for our daughters and granddaughters. I will never forget the shock, sadness and confusion my daughter experienced in her early teen years when her "best" friend told her she could not be her friend any longer as our family attended a UU church she didn't want a friend who was going to Hell. Exclusion is a dangerous concept that does promote mean-spirited actions in children AND adults. Close is a term that highlights quality rather than quantity. Language is very powerful; it is far more powerful than many realize.

Interesting comments! I truly dislike the use of any term that can be used to exclude girls or women. I have a "best friend" of more than 20 years, but I refer to her as one my closest friends. To me it fits better. Christina

My DD is 18 and we use the term BFF very lightly in our conversations. It's a term of endearment to those that are close, with the clear understanding that friendships shift and BFFs sometimes change too. I think that concept was harder to accept in the early years since so many girls literally wear their hearts on their necks. It gets easier as they get older. I promise. Close friend, best friend, the terms don't really matter to me. I just feel blessed to have a group of women in my life that are truly more like sisters.

I have a lot of friends, but I would die in a fire for my best friend. When she came into my life -- as an adult -- it was an incredible, unplanned gift. I will give her her place of honor in my life as long as she'll take it, because she deserves it.

Sure, anything can be bad if it's framed that way, but there are also no medals for going it alone or minimizing relationships, either.

"I’m always taken aback when I hear a grown woman refer to her “best friend” because it seems like such a juvenile concept that she should have outgrown many years ago." Wow. Thanks for calling me juvenile. I *DO* have a best friend. I make no apologies for it nor do I plan to use another term for it. I have know this woman for close to 30 years and that we've maintained a healthy and close relationship for that long. That doesn't make us juvenile. It makes us incredibly lucky.

I have several close friends we have a connection that is very important to me. But I don't use the term best friend. I don't frown on it. It's just as we grow older friendships change and shift. It is easier to use words to describe friendships as close, valuable, or important. It's these friendships that I truly cherish.

I can't say I agree 100%. I also don't disagree 100%, as I know that girls use the concept of best friends, forever or otherwise, against other girls. But that's *always* been a thing; this is not a new concept. Best Friend necklaces existed in the 80's, and I'm sure before then as well.

That said, I find your comment about adults using the term best friend as being "juvenile" to be rather... off the mark, I guess. I don't really have a best friend myself, but to be honest, I'd love one. I do have (great! lovely!) friends who *do* have a best friend, and I think that they are neither juvenile or a mean girl. They're just women (and men, as my husband has a best friend) who have a very strong connection to another person. I see no shame in that. At all.