THERE'S A REASON HE'S STILL SINGLE
By Whorrified on August 30, 2012
Ladies, are you over 40 and single? Of course you are. There are brazillions of us out there! (Note how I just cunningly lumped myself in with the over-40s, when in fact I am over 50. If I had an editor, I could never get away with that shit!)
YOU SEE THAT LOOK OF CRAZY
ON MY FACE RIGHT THERE?
That's what an empty wine glass
will do to a woman. And you want us
to meet you at a vegetarian restaurant
with no liquor licence?
But back to the single ladies. Get a group of anything larger than one of them together and, within minutes, the conversation will turn to the lack of available men.
Oftentimes, they will blame themselves.
"I'm too fat. I'm too old. They want younger women. They want blonder women. They want Asian women. They want they want they want ..."
K, can we stop right there? Because what I'm seeing is not a lack of single men. What I'm seeing is a lack of good single men.
Many of the available men out there are single for a reason.
And that reason is "loser."
This point was potently made by a friend who is experimenting with dating websites. (They're a great place to go when you're single but don't quite feel depressed enough about it yet.) She started chatting online with some guy, we'll call him Big Spendah, who likes to brag about all the fancy-schmancy places he's been dining at. He's all "Oooh, I went to Gusto 101! You've never been to Gusto 101? You gotta go to Gusto 101!"
So naturally, she thinks Big Spendah is going to take her to Gusto 101. There is some back-and-forthing of emails, and then she gets this one. And she immediately and disrespectfully forwards it directly to me, which is what I LOVE about this woman!
"Just had to share this: so I make plans to meet this guy in TO. I tell the guy to suggest a place - this being the guy who suggested Gusto 101, nice and very expensive. So he suggests Fresh. I look it up and it's a vegetarian place with no alcohol. What happened to all that Gusto talk? I sent him a text telling him that after working all day and then driving 90 minutes to meet him, tofu and no wine wouldn't work. Haven't heard back so about to block the jerk. Can u believe it??? Single for a reason!"
Ladies, there are tons of dudes out there you're going to have to learn to avoid. They fall into predictable, easy-to-recognize categories. Do yourself a favour and commit these to memory. I will help by reviewing one of the many categories EVERY FRIDAY (date night), starting with this one:
1) The Cheapskate
We've said enough about him already. Cheapskates are bad, but not as bad as next Friday's category, The Man-Whore. You'll need a notebook, and a pen to stab yourself in the heart with.
Editor's note: I'm not quite done with Big Spendah. When he realized his hot tofu date wasn't going to happen, he sent my friend a snippy email saying: "I'll have you know that Fresh has the best sweet potato fries in Toronto." Again, drive 90 minutes, no alcohol. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE SWEET POTATO FRIES? Single. For a reason.
Visit me at Whorrified for more whorrors! http://www.whorrified.ca/
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