Parenting After Adoption Loss: Things I Won't Say

Great post.

Alaina http://www.telecommutingmommies.com

Adoption involves loss for all parties in the triad to varying degrees. I encourage you to read more about the issues that face adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees.

More over, speaking from my specific perspective, it is important for society to realize that birth parents deal with lifelong grief and loss. Too often people want to believe that today's trend toward open adoption eliminates the loss, but it does not. It is not a Band-Aid. I have joy in my life and joy with/through my daughter, but the grief is and will be forever present.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

I have never heard the term "adoption loss". Having not had any close experiences with adoption, I had always thought of it as an all around positive thing for all parties involved. But I guess losing a child, for whatever reason, if there are really really good reasons, will still rock you to the core. Thanks for bringing light to such an interesting topic.

I always encourage new birth mothers and birth mothers who are later starting their families to seek therapy for this very reason. After my first (parented) son was born, I was side-swiped by issues that I didn't know to expect. If I hadn't found a therapist who knew enough about adoption grief and loss, I would have been totally lost.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

And I think that's what so many people don't understand about adoption and loss: It touches things and people that were never considered upon the original decision. There's no way to foresee all of the ripples that will come from that one decision.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

I do try -- very hard -- to make sure I'm not being a total buttface to others. I'm sure I fail. But I try. :)

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

Interesting that you mention family trees. I decided to start an Ancestry.com account and about fifteen minutes in, I had to just walk away. Entering my daughter and her information just hit me hard. Really hard.

I hope that as my daughter grows she can feel ties to both her families. I know that I would never dismiss her connection to her family (through adoption, only saying that for confusion purposes) and I'd be willing to bet money that her mom would never dismiss me either. I hope... I hope... that she feels like she belongs somewhere someday.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

This is such an important and rarely discussed topic. After I relinquished and had other kids, I know now my untreated grief and loss spilled over into depression that affected our whole family. And my husband at that time was also a birthparent times two. We had three "ghosts" in our home that we never acknowledged but who affected so much.

I've been involved in adoptee rights activism for many years now, not as much since I had my children, but I occasionally blog about adoption and happenings in the world of open records (or rather, sealed records, at least in most states).

I was relinquished in the 60's, an era where closed records were the norm. I will say that my adoption was a positive experience for me, especially knowing now what my birthmother was like and what happened to my siblings that she kept. However, comments about adoption, about why we "should" be grateful, offhand jokes about giving kids away -- when I was younger, they hurt. A few years ago when my uncle died, my mom was working with my aunt to arrange a time for the wake that would work for me and my brother and our work schedule. My cousin's wife made the comment "Why do we need to move everything around for them? Its not like they're actually related to us." It was so incredibly insulting, and my mother was so offended by it that she is STILL angry about it to the point of avoiding contact with my cousin's wife.

I remember being offended by my mother's family tree book (its an actual huge hardbound book). My brother and I have our names listed as my mom's children, but we are also identified with "adopted" in parentheses. It bothers me, somewhat, because my mother -- she is my mom, as much so as if she'd given birth to me. We have that kind of relationship. That doesn't take anything away from the fact that I have another family, another woman who is part of the equation, but it sure as hell tries to take a lot away from the family I grew up in.

In the years of working with other adoptees and birthparents on open records legislation, I have heard stories that would make your socks fall off. I know one adoptee whose parents divorced when she was little. Her dad left her mom with two kids, both adopted, and her mom was so overwhelmed that she actually "gave back" this girl's brother. She felt having a girl would be easier for her.

Sometimes as an adoptee it feels like you don't really belong anywhere, not fully anyway. People dismiss your relationship with your adoptive family because you don't share blood ties, but if you don't know your birth family at all, then who do you belong to? And if, like me, when you find your birth family and people dismiss your ties with them because you didn't grow up with them, then really, where do I belong?

Mary a/k/a BarnMaven blogs at http://www.barnmaven.com about single parenting, living with ADHD, too many animals to count and dealing with ADHD/Bipolar kids.

I think it might be wiser to ask: what has adoption loss not affected in my life. Problem is that it has only reared it's ugly head with the advent of reunion!

I'm now rooted in adoption world and have an understanding of how language and thought affects people in a way I wasn't before. It's made me more careful with my thoughts and words.

I suspect that I may, on occasion, inadvertently use hurtful language in worlds that I don't frequent. Your post is a reminder to be kind and compassionate and aware before I speak.

Write Mind Open Heart ( http://www.writemindopenheart.com/ )...yin-yanging my way.@LavLuz
Examiner ( http://tinyurl.com/oaexaminer )for Open Adoption.
( http://twitter.com/LavLuz )

Thank you for your comment. I think it's important for people to read things like this -- that they might not otherwise read -- and see, for a second, the impact that adoption can have on individuals and families.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

Mmm, I also heard the gypsies one growing up. Interesting, isn't it?

I battle the more fearful side of my motherhood on a regular basis. I try to let my parented children have room to grow and learn, but I have a tendency to hover. I battle it, but that tendency is ALWAYS there.

Thank you for your comment!

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

After I found out I was adopted, my kids were my everything in an unhealthy way. They were 20 and 22 at the time. You can imagine, it did not go well. After seeing what I was doing I tried to make sure they knew I had gone to crazy land but was now back.

However, my whole adult life my soul knew I was adopted. I was obsessed with foster kids and it was this connection I could not ignore. To say I was compelled to do foster care and that it was easy for me to understand them is an understatement.

I believe this adoption loss happens at such a deep soulful, cellular level and we are enormously impacted whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. That was true for my first mother as well.

Thanks for asking this, and for your blog.

I thought - HOPED - that a discussion of this type was no longer necessary. I grew up in the 1950s and was told on a regular basis that if I didn't behave I'd be "given to gypsies." In my teen years, I was told repeatedly "It's my way or the highway!" Eventually, I took the highway. I was teen-aged runaway.

When I was parenting, being a mother who lost her first child to adoption like you, I was FAR more careful and sensitive to never making such ridiculous threats. The fact is that no one should ever make a threat they cannot keep! Threaten to take away the TV or put them to bed early so kids learn that there are legitmate consequences for their actions.

But, there is no doubt that having lost one child makes us far more sensitive mothers! It can and does make some of us more fearful mothers...with a fear of loosing another child always looming over us. It makes some so fearful they never have any other children.

And it never goes away. my children are in their thirties, approaching 40, and the shadow of their oldest sister still looms largely in our family relationships.

I can only imagine some of the things you hear. Thank you for the work that you do.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

I am so glad that you wrote this post - I often have had to gently admonish people when they use adoption negatively. People who have not been affected by adoption first hand don't often realize the things they say are hurtful - they must be educated that adoption, from whatever side, is nothing to joke about it.

Eyes Opened Wider

http://eyesopenedwider.blogspot.com

Gee, Shannon. Way to make me blush. :)

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

Thanks for your perspective, Jenna. It's a real reminder of how far the ripple effects of adoption reach. I hear people say things like that a lot and it always upsets me, because my girls have the same anxieties--if their first mom didn't keep them with her, will we do the same? You're right about the absence of a certain innocence other parents can take for granted with their children.
BTW and totally beside the point, you are one awesome mom--a role model to anyone trying to parent well.

Shannon writes about family at Peter's Cross Station ( http://peterscrossstation.wordpress.com/ ) and about writing at Muse of Fire. ( http://shannonlccate.com/ )

I've said things before (Princess Diana story is not the only one) that strike me later. And I'm sure most people don't mean harm. But yeah, so many just talk about it without thinking about the people who are deeply touched by adoption. Of course, you could insert many other things that people say without thinking as well.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photograher.

Such a powerful post, Jenna. People, unfortunately, speak about adoption without thinking -- definitely those outside the triad (but even sometimes those within the triad).

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her novel about blogging is Life from Scratch ( http://www.life-from-scratch.com/ ).