Things You Should NEVER Say to the Parent of a Toddler

Since becoming a mother, I have been bombarded with unwanted, useless advice and seriously unwarranted comments about my parenting choices. When Piggle hit toddlerhood, the unsolicited advice-giving seemed to triple. While I realize that many of these people are genuinely trying to help or, at the very least, make me feel better, the very last thing I need when I’m eyeballs deep in tantrums is some busybody poking their nose into my business.

Here are the top ten things people have said to me that truly warrant a kick to their genitalia:


1: You’re exaggerating; he can’t be that bad. Really? So I’m supposed to smile my way through 9 tantrums, 4 runny-poo bum changes, a broken vase, crayon-ed walls, and a head butt to the eyebrow without losing my shit? I’d love to see YOU try!

2: He’s just being a kid. I don’t give a damn if he’s 2 or 52. It doesn’t change the fact that toddlers suck 99% of the time.

3: It’s just a phase. Is the normalcy of it supposed to be reassuring? Because it’s not.

4: Boys will be boys. Of course they will. Unless, of course, there’s a gender identity issue; in which case, boys will be girls. However, I seriously doubt the penis between his legs has anything to do with it, and I can’t see myself enjoying this stage any more if he had a hoo-haw instead.

5: You must be doing something wrong. Really, Supernanny? Would you care to take over? Because you wouldn’t last a week.

6: Have you tried *insert bad/generic advice*? No. I just let him run around like a nude hooligan and hide in the bathroom with a bottle of gin. Trust me when I say, the only thing I haven’t tried is military school.

7: This is only the beginning… I do NOT need to be reminded that there is no end in sight. My sanity is already hanging by a very frayed thread. Let’s not push it, shall we?

8: My child would never do that. Well, lah-dee-freaking-dah, you lying sack of shit.

9: I’m glad that’s not my kid! So am I! I would hate to see how quickly the world ended if that were the case!

10: You’ll look back on this and laugh. Probably not. It’s far more likely that I’ll look back and wonder how the hell we made it out alive! And if I am laughing, it’ll be in the corner of a padded cell.

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