Tink's Box

As any new parent knows, a volume switch on a toy is your best
friend, because musical/speaking childrens’ toys are categorically
obnoxious and the sole variation in how desperately a toy makes you
want to jam an ice pick in your brain is how SCREAMINGLY it wails the
alphabet, or “Old MacDonald,” (and Christ, do I pity you poor
bastards,) that shiv-me-now Barbie theme.

Unfortunately, a number of toy manufacturers not only neglect to
offer this option but seemingly believe your wolf-eared tyke came into
the world with the hearing of a geriatric stump; with enough listening,
perhaps they soon will!

Which long ago led to my crusade against shrieking toy voice boxes,
and my magical antidote: PACKING TAPE. It’s clear (with proper
positioning, the kiddies are none the wiser), and you can layer it to
achieve your desired volume control. I can’t tell you how many toys
I’ve pulled apart and slapped that shit on just to dampen the wail and
whine of tinny music, demonic dolls or that insidious Fisher-Price
harpy.

So imagine my surprise when Eliot received a Tinker Bell doll that would. not. SHUT THE FUCK UP — and the voice box was impossible to find. . . I mean, it’s a DOLL, right — how hard can a stupid voice box
be to find? And I’m looking in her back, all along the legs, all the
obvious places, and NOTHING — and it’s this perpetual howl of “FLY WITH ME!!” and “FAIRIES FLY!!”
until I pretty much want to send Tink flying into next week, and just
as I’ve decided the voice box is internal and there’s no speaker, I do
one last body check:

tinksbox

And there you have it: Tink’s box is Tink’s FUCKING BOX. Oh, Walt
Disney Corp., you sick, twisted bastards: not only did you make Tinker
Bell’s only means of communication THROUGH HER SNATCH, you then forced
me to SILENCE IT WITH PACKING TAPE. Way to help me send a
gender-positive message to my daughters, assholes.

(Somewhere, I just know Eve Ensler is giving me the disapproving finger wag. . .)

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