Tink's Box

As any new parent knows, a volume switch on a toy is your best
friend, because musical/speaking childrens’ toys are categorically
obnoxious and the sole variation in how desperately a toy makes you
want to jam an ice pick in your brain is how SCREAMINGLY it wails the
alphabet, or “Old MacDonald,” (and Christ, do I pity you poor
bastards,) that shiv-me-now Barbie theme.

Unfortunately, a number of toy manufacturers not only neglect to
offer this option but seemingly believe your wolf-eared tyke came into
the world with the hearing of a geriatric stump; with enough listening,
perhaps they soon will!

Which long ago led to my crusade against shrieking toy voice boxes,
and my magical antidote: PACKING TAPE. It’s clear (with proper
positioning, the kiddies are none the wiser), and you can layer it to
achieve your desired volume control. I can’t tell you how many toys
I’ve pulled apart and slapped that shit on just to dampen the wail and
whine of tinny music, demonic dolls or that insidious Fisher-Price

So imagine my surprise when Eliot received a Tinker Bell doll that would. not. SHUT THE FUCK UP — and the voice box was impossible to find. . . I mean, it’s a DOLL, right — how hard can a stupid voice box
be to find? And I’m looking in her back, all along the legs, all the
obvious places, and NOTHING — and it’s this perpetual howl of “FLY WITH ME!!” and “FAIRIES FLY!!”
until I pretty much want to send Tink flying into next week, and just
as I’ve decided the voice box is internal and there’s no speaker, I do
one last body check:


And there you have it: Tink’s box is Tink’s FUCKING BOX. Oh, Walt
Disney Corp., you sick, twisted bastards: not only did you make Tinker
Bell’s only means of communication THROUGH HER SNATCH, you then forced
me to SILENCE IT WITH PACKING TAPE. Way to help me send a
gender-positive message to my daughters, assholes.

(Somewhere, I just know Eve Ensler is giving me the disapproving finger wag. . .)


In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.