From tiny seeds grow great things

Self centered. Self loathing. Selfless. Selfish. Selfie. Self assured. Self sustaining. I can do it mySELF.

This month I have entered a writing challenge called NaBloPoMo, which stands for National Blog Posting Month. The theme for this month, and the challenge, is to write daily around the concept of self.

It's a pretty broad term, self, and it kind of strikes me as funny, because, really, what blogger does not want to talk about themselves?

I've been talking about myself for months, now. In every post I make, I include my opinions, my experiences and my interpretations of daily occurrences.  Since the last two years have all but been consumed by postpartum depression and anxiety, most of my blog posts have been made while I have been depressed.

Depression is an invader. Depression creates a war fought in daily, sometimes hourly battles, and most of those battles are about self. Depression seeks to tear down, to ruin, to massacre any sense of well being, any source of love or appreciation for self.

Depression convinces the self that it is unloved, unlovable, horrible, ugly, worthless and incapable. Any thoughts of self worth are easily tramped down and stamped out.

Fortunately, for me, I have been able to cling to a glimmer of hope. Deep down in that dry, cracked, trampled down earth of my self worth has been a tiny hibernating seed. A seed that says, "Don't believe it." "You are worth more."

Now that most of the depression is gone, and I am in the process of rebuilding, I am keenly aware of myself. I have been very abusive and cruel in the past few years. My sense of self worth is tiny, only beginning to bud. I must be very careful with myself or I know I will backslide into that addictive but painful behavior. But, I know that from tiny seeds grow great things. 

I am counting on that.

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