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TLC's "Sister Wives" Brings Polygamy to Reality TV

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When it comes to polygamy or men with multiple wives, you can put me down solidly on the side of thinking: WTF!? My feminist hackles rise, my righteous indignation flares and I start to spout off about religions created by men, run by men, that promote men presiding over multiple women, keeping those women in degradation and oppression.

Yeah, I know that's a little over the top, but I'm giving you my gut here.

Sister Wives
Photo Credit: TLC

So here comes the new TLC reality TV show, Sister Wives which chronicles the lives of Kody Brown and his three wives: Meri, Janelle and Christine, and their thirteen children.

Now tell me, have you ever wondered what it would be like to be part of a plural marriage? Just think about it: you always have a babysitter handy, there's always someone else to make dinner if you work and she doesn't, and you've got a full time girlfriend on call.

Well those are just some of the things the wives in Sister Wives say is so great about being part of a plural family. In fact Christine, the third wife, says that the rule of thumb is if you have two wives and there's tension in the family, marry a third one and that'll fix the problem.

I had a chance to watch a preview of the hour-long premiere of Sister Wives, and though my feminist hackles got a good work out, I gotta say, Meri, Janelle and Christine came off as quite normal. It's kind of like when I see a wife whose sole idea of marital happiness is taking care of a home and children and never setting foot in a workplace -- I know that's not for me, but I respect any woman's right to choose that life for herself.

I almost felt like that about these three women. Almost.

These women aren't being abused, and the kids look ridiculously adorable and well adjusted. A couple of the wives grew up in plural households, so they're used to the whole lifestyle, but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable at this worship of the man as the end all and be all of a family, with multiple women available to serve him.

And I gotta tell ya, watching as Kody bed-hopped from one wife to the next while joking about having to shower in one living area and find his clothes in another, made me think, "Well don't you just have it so tough!"

As a TV show, it's a little sleepy, though I saw a preview episode, and it may change before it airs. The real drama in the seven-part series will come as Kody announces his plans to take on a fourth wife, Robyn. While the other wives like the new prospect and her three kids from a previous husband, they're a little apprehensive about upsetting what has so far been a harmonious triple union.

Then you've got the small problem that polygamy is illegal in the United States, including in Utah, where the Browns live. I took a look at the website of the Utah attorney general and found the section on polygamy quite interesting. Though it's listed as a crime, the attorney general's office "decided to focus on crimes within polygamous communities that involve child abuse, domestic violence and fraud."

Writer Brooke Adams, who covers polygamy for the Salt Lake Tribune, did an interview with Kody Brown and his wives last year, and she evidently asked for a comment from law enforcement officials about the show. This is the response she posted last month:

"This afternoon, Craig Johnson, deputy Utah County Attorney, said he had no "official" comment on “Sister Wives” or the Brown family, which lives in the county."

In the Mormon blogosphere, there didn't appear to be much about the show but I did find some mentions. At the blog Introspection of a Plural Wife at Heart, MPB says:

I'm really looking forward to this show. This is a lovely family with a great sense of humor and a lot of love to go around.

Rebecca J of By Common Consent is curious about how the new wife will be introduced:

I’ve always been interested in how that works, and how the existing wives figure into that decision. Do they all four sit down together and go, “What about Robyn? She seems nice, doesn’t she?” Or does Kody (jeez louise) try

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Megan Smith 5 pts

The Utah authorities can't be seen to be ignoring a situation that is now so public. It'll be an interesting case if it gets to a courtroom.

Megan

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Megan Smith 5 pts

Very interesting!

Megan

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Megan Smith 5 pts

I saw Kody and the wives on "Oprah" and she asked the same question about how they support everybody. One of the wives stays home, two of the wives had jobs--one just got fired over the show--and Kody is a salesman.

So you have 3 working adults. I guess it could be done.

Megan

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PauleyD 5 pts

How is it that this man can support 3 wives and 16 children in this economy when a typical family (husband, wife, 1-3 kids)is struggling to make ends meet?

Something doesn't smell right. I'd like to know where the money trail leads.
I don't believe that this guy can support his family on just one income (even if the wives worked part time, it doesn't wash).

LScribbens 5 pts

True, polygamy is illegal in most states under bigamy laws, however in Utah the following are also illegal and not prosecuted:

76-7-103. Adultery.
(1) A married person commits adultery when he voluntarily has sexual intercourse with a person other than his spouse.

76-7-104. Fornication.
(1) Any unmarried person who shall voluntarily engage in sexual intercourse with another is guilty of fornication.

Based on these two state codes 80% of Utahans would be guilty of fornication and at least 50% would be guilty of adultery.

This is the point of Kody Brown's new attorney, that the State of Utah can't selectively enforce laws involving consensual adult relationships.

I support the State AG's stance of it's a waste of resources to investigate and prosecute if there is no abuse or welfare fraud going on.

Live and let live.

ymoore2563 5 pts

I believe the word for women with multiple spouses is polygandy. Correct me if I'm wrong. :.)

seeingisbelieving 5 pts

If you think marriage is about a woman serving a man, no wonder your idealistic ways have FAIL written all over them. Marriage is about love, family, and sharing. Men and women are the same: they want to feel loved, they want to feel needed, and they want to be surrounded by family. If a wife talks about her husband in the way that she is serving him, cooking, sex, etc, then she made herself slave like; she needs to rethink her needs.

seeingisbelieving 5 pts

Ive read about several instances with one wife to two husbands, and the marriage was working. Just about every example though, the men were either twins or brothers, and the wife found herself to be equally turned on by both.

seeingisbelieving 5 pts

This is practiced in certain villages in South America. The problem Ive seen on TV with this is that the one wife does make herself like a Queen and usually only has continues sex with just one of her husbands and makes the others slave all the work. Unless the one wife is a nympho and sleeps with all her husbands equally, this way of polygamy won't work very well. We are well aware that most men would have no problem with sharing their bed with multiple wives, other than the fact it might get exhausting at times.

Megan Smith 5 pts

Well if that's what Utah law says, it seems it is indeed illegal.

Which once again begs the question why Utah law enforcement has decided they don't need to pursue these cases.

Thanks for the facts and figures.

Megan

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OMGwrong 5 pts

According to Utah’s bigamy statute, “A person is guilty of bigamy when, knowing he has a husband or wife, the person purports to marry another person or cohabits with another person.” Utah Code Ann. § 76-7-101(1) (2003). The law, therefore, applies not just to individuals who have obtained multiple marriage licenses, but also to those who are legally married to only one person, while also engaging in other marriage-like relationships that are not recognized by the state.

Polygamy is illegal, but Kody states that his family isn't breaking any laws since, "It's one legal marriage and the rest are commitment marriages". On the other hand Kody has openly admitted in engaging in other marriage-like relationships with other women on this show. He has children by these other women so in my opinion that is "engaging in other marriage-like relationships" in which it is breaking the laws in the State of Utah. The other thing is putting this show on air is now putting his children to be scrutinized by the media. Again, in my opinion, the children need to be protected by the laws in the State of Utah. The TLC new series "Sister Wives" should not be aired and feel that TLC should pull the plug because of the above Utah State Laws.

Megan Smith 5 pts

If commenter Griz is correct about the legal aspects of polygamy, it seems some families are practicing this anyway.

I just would not want to see it legalized.

Megan

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Megan Smith 5 pts

You're right, I was using the word polygamy as referring to a man with many wives and as you say it literally means more than one spouse, whether male or female.

Thanks for the clarification.

Megan

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mollyaub 5 pts

Hi Megan,

From her comments, it seems to me that Ms. Joseph was simply sharing her experience and thoughts on plural marriage from a more feminist perspective.

Nevertheless, I do think, as you say, that our society is not producing "enough good men who value women, monogamous marriages and are wiling to be full partners with their wives in child rearing and building a home." Based on results, monogamy as the sole legally-recognized system in this society is not working very well. So why not allow polygamy for those women who don't have issues with sharing?

Here is another interesting link, a transcript of a show on National Public Radio from a few years ago:
http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript...

Thanks.

kate.si 5 pts

I don't know the woman anymore. I remember she considered herself some version of pagan, no idea which one. She had a child with one of her husbands at the time.

RE: your other comment to seeing polygamy as implying men are superior to women, that doesn't follow. I mean I get where you're coming from as most historical polygamy has involved many wives rather than many husbands or a two or more couples, but polygamy doesn't just mean you have many wives. Polygamy literally means many marriages, it has nothing to do with gender. You are connecting the word with something it doesn't mean only because it's got a regular association with it.

Remove the implications to leave only the truth of the word itself. It was never meant to only mean husband and many wives just as bigamy describes affairs no matter what the gender of the shared partner.

http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=polygam...

There is a separate word for women as noted in this definition. Along those lines, "many men" would be polyandry.

Megan Smith 5 pts

Hi Mollyaub,
I appreciate what Ms. Joseph has to say, but I'm still not convinced.

Her argument seems to be, because our society can't produce enough good men who value women, monogamous marriages and are willing to be full partners with their wives in child rearing and building a home, the only good alternative is to share the "few good men" out there.

Like I said, a fascinating point of view, but I'm still not convinced.

However, thanks very much for the link.

Megan

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mollyaub 5 pts

Here is commentary on the feminist aspect of polygamy from one of the women married to the late Alex Joseph. She articulates very well an aspect of of polygamy that conventional women in monogamous relationships just don't "get" . . . unless they have seen it in action.

http://www.islamfortoday.com/polygamy3.htm

Megan Smith 5 pts

See I think it could work with more than one man if everyone understood that the woman and only the woman was in total charge.

That's the key.

Oh, the possibilities!

Megan

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Amy_in_StL 5 pts

I definitely see the advantage to having more than one wife in a marriage; except I'm sure I could not share the sexual part of my husband with another woman. However, most women I know are in relationships with men who quit speaking to them when they're mad. It would be awesome to be in a marriage where you had someone to talk to about issues. I can't imagine having to put up with more than one man though. I think that's why the reverse is rarely true - who has the energy for that!

Megan Smith 5 pts

I hear ya'.

Thanks for commenting.

Megan

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Megan Smith 5 pts

I'm no expert but from what I've read that's how the wives in a polygamous family are generally referred to, as sister wives.

If someone else has more concrete info, please enlighten me.

Megan

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Megan Smith 5 pts

Hi Mollyaub,

I get where you're coming from. You don't have to be a man in a polygamous family to be a crappy, disturbed person. As you've experienced, there are plenty of monogamous men like that.

My biggest problem with polygamy is that it implies that men are superior to women, and to my mind, men who cheat on their wives feel the same way. The last thing I think society should be doing is encouraging that kind of thinking.

Megan

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bettyboop188 5 pts

WTF is TLC teaching our kids and trying to show us woman. I think that woman are already treated like shit and the ones that are strong stay strong because the see too many other women being treated like crap. And our boys need to learn how to respect woman and love them not that its fine to go and have multiple wives.We always preach that it is wrong to cheat, Thats saying that cheating is no longer wrong and that woman need to suck it up and men are on the right. F@%$ that. I will not let my boys watch that crap and as for TLC they are crap for putting that on thier programming. Shame on anyone who thinks its fine to advertise that behavior.

Megan Smith 5 pts

Now that you mention only one wife is officially legal and the others may be ceremonial, I get how they get around the law.

When it comes to the Browns featured in the show, they all live in one house with separate living quarters for each wife and her kids. Kody has a job, he says in advertising.

As you say, I've got problems with this as well, primarily because of the reinforcement of the idea of many women serving one man.

Megan

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Megan Smith 5 pts

That's very interesting. I wish she wrote a blog, I'd love to know more of the details of a situation like that.

Megan

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kate.si 5 pts

I knew a woman with two husbands. One was legally recognized, the other wasn't, both had ceremonies. It can work both ways but in most religions it's unheard of.

kate.si 5 pts

They could've picked a less creepy title if they'd thought about it. I'm all for polygamy as soon as tax benefits based on marriage are gone and, for that matter, any sort of governmental interference as long as there are only consenting adults involved. But ew on that title.

mollyaub 5 pts

So you know so much about this, do you? In the many polygamous families I have associated with, the husband does indeed work full-time. Some of the sister-wives work and others stay home with the kids, depending on their desires and the needs of the family.

I am in a monogamous marriage--my second. And my children do have half siblings, though they never refer to them as "half" of anything--they just refer to them as brothers and sisters. (What a concept!) My former "monogamous" husband had an affair that I knew nothing about and was abusive to the kids (hence the divorce). My own "monogamous" stepfather had numerous affairs and beat my mom and me severely (hence their divorce).

So I am having a really tough time with your "logic," Griz. I suspect you have never worked with or lived amongst these families and, like many Americans who respond to this subject, you have your fixed beliefs. It seems you would rather be "right" than be accurate. You assume a lot--"mob scenes", untended children, domestic violence, welfare fraud. Yes, some of that is true. But I have lived plenty of that in my own MONOGAMOUS life. And I am definitely not alone there.

Griz 5 pts

From what I've read, these "families" get around the legality problem by not officially marrying. You will most likely find that the man will only be actually married to 1 wife with the license, paperwork, etc. in the eyes of the state.
I could never figure out why the women put up with this. Now, true some of them were raised like this. But where are their backbones? Usually, the wives are working full time; and the "husband" does not work at all. One wife will usually be the child care provider for her kids and all the other "wives'" kids.
Can you imagine how difficult it is for the children?! "Yes, this is my half-brother; and my other 10 half-siblings are over there." Ever wonder what these kids think of Dad's bed-hopping?
With so many children and the mob scene in the household(s); you know each child is not given the attention they need and deserve. (We won't even talk about the child abuse and domestic violence that seems to be so present in these polygamist groups.)
Also, since there are so many children, and often the upkeep of separate homes, you will find that there is a lot of financial assistance taken from the state. So that affects all of us as tax payers. Even normal families with a couple of kids have a hard time making ends meet. I don't like the idea of my taxes paying for this group to enjoy their lifestyle choice.

Megan Smith 5 pts

It's funny because I sometimes think, if it were the reverse, men would never stand for this!

Well, what I didn't think of is something a blogger I came across said about women not wanting to have that many men around. It would be more like being a den mother to a boy scout troop, she said, than the queen of a harem of men.

(I lost that link in my travels but when I find it, I'll post it.)

Megan

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JennaHatfield 10 pts

Unlike one of your linked bloggers, I have less of a "problem" with polyamory than with polygamy. Though using the word problem really isn't the right description. I don't really have any strong feelings against either, though my brain wraps multiple loving relationships easier than one man gets to have the multiple while the women do not. All the same, I have a self-imposed ban on TLC('s stupid show offerings) but might break it to give this show a watch. It sounds rather interesting.

Thanks for taking the time to preview and share it with us!

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.