Today anxiety will not win
Today I’ve been up since 5am with little S who I tried to pawn off on her father so I could sleep just a little longer, but my heart couldn’t hear the screaming and sadness, which I fear is another ear infection. This week I’ve been fearing more. Perhaps it’s the end of school and knowledge that soon there won’t be a to do list that MUST get done. I have a tendency to stress about things I can’t control when there is nothing to really stress about. I’ve been fearing my sore throat and itchy ears. Sophie’s cough and out of sort ways, which are perhaps not out of sorts at all. My tense neck and back are paying for these fears, and when I swallow my little anxiety pill that is suppose to keep these fears at bay, I fear it’s no longer working.
Because of all this fear, I’ve been short and tense and downright cranky. I want to curl up in a ball and do nothing and then I want to purge our home or organize or read or write, but one thing is constant, I seem to just want to be alone. This, of course, causes me even more fear and stress, because if I really am dying then I’m wasting time not being with the kids or in the moment.
I feel neurotic!
I fear FEAR and what my body is doing in response, which makes my body feel worse.
I am afraid to just be because I feel like if I have it all figured out, I’m done. Isn’t that ridiculous! As if God is up there going, “Oh, you’re happy. OK time to come back.”
So what can I do…
I know sleep and eating well helps. I know yoga and writing helps. I know telling myself that I’m fine and to calm down sometimes helps. I know going to the doctor helps. I know talking about my neurosis helps.
Some of these only help for a moment though. Some only help until the next round of anxiety comes my way. How do I figure out a way to transition from big moment to big moment in life without falling to pieces- without worrying why things are or how they are going to work out.
I learned a valuable lesson recently. I know planning until I’m blue in the face doesn’t always bode well. I know I need to be in the moment and worry about what I can control, not what is or isn’t coming my way.
My students are starting to get squirrely. They, too, are feeling the shift from school to summer. It’s a good shift, but it’s different and it’s a shift.
Perhaps just this- this simple act of freeing the fears and unknowns through my fingertips, seeing the words dash across the page is enough today.
As for tomorrow…well…deep breathe…I’ll take that day when it gets here.