Today I am mostly making rude gestures at the world ...


I am pissed off.  And I get it.  For once I understand why.  I've just sat in a hot bath and gone through my feelings.

My husband and I were invited last minute for drinks next door.  My first thoughts being that I don't want anyone to see me and my hair is a mess.  I am definitely in a hiding away mode at the moment and my self confidence is very low.  So I send my husband over to keep next door's hubby company as I know she's having the girls round (who are also my friends and are all super skinny). 

I am sitting in the sodding bath, listening to the laughter and chatter next door, crying.  I should be there.  I should be with my husband and my friends, having a drink and enjoying myself.  But no, I hate myself so much I'll just sit in the bath and cry about it.

Next I think about a friend of mine who I have had a falling out with in the past but she thinks all is well and as it was.  Well, I will be friendly and I'll help her and support her but I'll never trust her again.  She went to a ticket-only party last night that was set up for a group I belong to and she has zero links to.  She got a ticket last minute and went and had a ball.  Why didn't I go?  Because I don't want anyone to see me.  I made the excuse to a few people that I had enough outings going on at the moment and couldn't justify another one.  Truth being that I don't want to be seen.  And so it annoys me that, in her thin-ness, she goes to a party that I should have gone to.  That should have been me!  And to add insult to injury she jettisons the profile photo of her and I at a party in favour of a photo of her last night with her new BFF. Oh my god, what have I turned in to?  Pathetic or what?!

Then I think about those two things I am annoyed about and realise that it makes me look very needy.  Irritatingly victim-like and needy. 

I need to get this sorted.  It's one thing not liking my body but not liking my nature is actually making me sad.  What am I going to have left?!


In order to comment on, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.

Recent Posts by RedAndBlack