Today I am mostly making rude gestures at the world ...
I am pissed off. And I get it. For once I understand why. I've just sat in a hot bath and gone through my feelings.
My husband and I were invited last minute for drinks next door. My first thoughts being that I don't want anyone to see me and my hair is a mess. I am definitely in a hiding away mode at the moment and my self confidence is very low. So I send my husband over to keep next door's hubby company as I know she's having the girls round (who are also my friends and are all super skinny).
I am sitting in the sodding bath, listening to the laughter and chatter next door, crying. I should be there. I should be with my husband and my friends, having a drink and enjoying myself. But no, I hate myself so much I'll just sit in the bath and cry about it.
Next I think about a friend of mine who I have had a falling out with in the past but she thinks all is well and as it was. Well, I will be friendly and I'll help her and support her but I'll never trust her again. She went to a ticket-only party last night that was set up for a group I belong to and she has zero links to. She got a ticket last minute and went and had a ball. Why didn't I go? Because I don't want anyone to see me. I made the excuse to a few people that I had enough outings going on at the moment and couldn't justify another one. Truth being that I don't want to be seen. And so it annoys me that, in her thin-ness, she goes to a party that I should have gone to. That should have been me! And to add insult to injury she jettisons the profile photo of her and I at a party in favour of a photo of her last night with her new BFF. Oh my god, what have I turned in to? Pathetic or what?!
Then I think about those two things I am annoyed about and realise that it makes me look very needy. Irritatingly victim-like and needy.
I need to get this sorted. It's one thing not liking my body but not liking my nature is actually making me sad. What am I going to have left?!