Today I Bought a Stripper Pole. For My Chihuahua

After months of marital debate and online research about HOW to get Paco, my 5-lb. Chihuahua, to stop peeing in the house, I reluctantly agreed to try crate training again. We tried this when he was a puppy. Followed all the instructions, to no avail. I love this little guy, but even I have to admit, he's dumb as a sack of hammers. Seriously. You cannot teach this dog ANYTHING. ZERO attention span, and even shorter memory. He has peed in every room of our house, and shows no remorse, ever. I know Kenny would really like him gone, but I'm like a mother with an overly needy middle child...I LOVE him. So here he stays, 6 years old and still peeing in the house. (Vet says it's because Chihuahuas don't like their butts to get cold so they instinctively prefer to go where it's warm. Kenny says Paco is a DOG and doesn't sit down to pee, so he's not buying it.)

So yesterday I spent the afternoon at the local PetCo, in search of a crate and necessary items to suitably outfit Paco's new dog cave. I was determined to build a place he likes so he wouldn't feel punished or left out. (Breaks my heart to think of that face, all eyes and big ears, staring mournfully out from between the wires like "Why don't you love me anymore, Mommy?") I was thinking 2 stories, with a tiny hot tub and lap pool, a soft, poufy leopard-print bed and a 12" stripper pole, with a little teacup Chihuahua named Lola to help him pass the time. When Kenny saw the bill, he immediately began wheezing into the empty Petco bag, and I didn't have the heart to tell him we were going to have to unplug his garage beer fridge in order to heat Paco's electric blanket. Kenny and Paco have been on thin ice for some time now. I thought it best to leave that discussion for tomorrow.

Got up this morning and ran down the hall to check on my guy, and found this note taped to the crate:

"Oversize crate to keep stupid dog from peeing all over the house: $149
Heated bed and other overpriced decor/toys so wife says he'll feels comfy and loved: $298
Bark collar because he hates it anyway and barks ALL NIGHT LONG: $87
Doggie pee-pee pad & platform for times he outsmarts us and sneaks in a pee behind the wine rack: $56
Quote from vet on cost to have overgrown hamster put down: Priceless."

Paco, baby, you're going to have to start working with Mommy, or the next thing I'm buying you will be a set of tiny Louis Vuitton luggage for your long, long trip...

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