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I have not cried in a long time. I swallow it down. I don't let the tears flow. I will not allow this for myself. I can't afford it....but, this morning....I cried. I cried for hours. I cried non stop. I went through an entire box of kleenex. I cried until my eyes were so puffy they would not even open anymore. And, I didn't think I would ever stop.
But, I stopped, made myself a cup of green tea and sat down to write.
Yesterday, my Mother called me very concerned because she read my blog. She is worried that I am dissatisfied with my life and my marriage. She thinks that getting the hormones right is not necessarily the answer for me. She thinks that diet and exercise will mask the issues.
Well, she knows there are issues. BIG issues. HUGE issues. Doesn't everyone have them? Am I dissatisfied? HELL YES! Will I do anything to change it? Don't know!
Here is the truth...
I WANT a career, but have no clue what to do, when I have spent my life being taken care and getting married to AVOID figuring out what to do. I have no experience doing much more than being:
a. A Mom
b. Arm Candy
C. A Bitch
Those don't get you very far in the corporate world. Yes, I have started "businesses", but they have not succeeded. Yes, I "craft", but it is a hobby that does not earn me a living. Yes, I have an "online store", but if I had to survive on those profits I would be living under a bridge...I might not even be able to afford that.
Is my marriage perfect? NO. Does hubby have two lives he lives? YES. Did I know that when I married him? YES. Did I hope he would change? YES. Do I know that people never change? YES. Am I an idiot? HELL YES.
BUT, he is great to my kids. He is a warm body, albeit not an emotional understanding let me lean on you and tell you my problems warm fuzzy guy. He does take care of me and the kids financially, although he complains about it constantly.
He is who he is. I am who I am. And right now, I am a HORMONE-LESS WRECK OF A PERSON!
In Florida I bought this shirt. It is so fitting to my mental state at the moment, I couldn't resist it.
I
I called my therapist yesterday after leaving the GYN for my post op and begged for an appointment to put me on anti depressants, anti anxiety and sleeping pills. I see him for a consult today.
There are days where I want to go back to the Doctor and BEG her to put my sick ovaries back in. I had no idea it would be THIS hard. She warned me, but I scoffed at her...SCOFFED! How stupid was I? Like she wouldn't know?!?!?
This blog is MY sounding board. A place where I can write, scream, yell and rail at the world, myself, my kids, my life and my hubby. It is also my place to share and it does work as therapy in many ways. Just to write it out, which means to think it out, which means to be a rational human being is so helpful.
So, for those that read, thank you. For those that get me, thank you. For those that understand, thank you. And for those that tolerate me, thank you.
