Today I woke up...
By hayes080505 on September 27, 2011
Today I woke up. Today I woke up sad. Today I woke up.
Sad, according to Merriam-Webster, means " affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness." Unhappy. Hmmm. Perhaps that could describe the lack of joy I feel today? No, I am not unhappy but rather not happy.
It took me a while a determine the correct adjective to describe my current lack of joy, my need for something to make me 'feel' on this glorious day. No rhyme. No reason. It makes absolutely no sense.
Amazing husband, incredible children, devoted friends. Beautiful home. Full social calendar. Dog, cat, fish.
Today they return. Hubby and kiddos that is. The quiet ends and the chaos begins. Certainly that is a reason to celebrate, to be elated even. Yet I cannot bring myself to put that exclamation point on my day or on that sentence for that matter.
It has been 10 nights since I heard my husband snore or my children argue. Ten long days since their faces all looked at me lit up ready for summer camp and family visits. My enthusiasm for the pending time to read a book to the end while I still remembered the beginning mounted as they prepared for horseback riding, canoeing and hiking. I had already read the first chapter a half a dozen times, each time filled with more interruptions than the last. Wasn't this what I wanted? Girlfriend time. Book and wine on the deck time? Long baths and showers till the hot water tank ran dry? No pressures from the end of one work day until the beginning of the next.
I wrote this in July. Couldn’t bring myself to post it until now. Why? Because I felt guilty for being sad. Who was I to feel that way? Who am I to feel that way today? Should I not be elated with my life? Again, no exclamation point.
Don’t get me wrong, life has been great between then and now. No depression. No sad days, only sad moments. Think I figured it all out: My children are leaving BY CHOICE without ME; our oldest is preparing for his first child; our youngest is now in middle school which leaves 4 others floundering in the sea of growing up, leaving me behind; my grandmother is becoming my child…losing her as my mentor and gaining her as my child is more painful, I believe, for me than her.
Yep, today I woke up sad.
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