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Four years and two serious relationships later I've finally figured out why I'm still hung up on my high school sweetheart. I must say it was a genuinely great way to start a Monday morning at a job I hate while running on only four and a half hours of sleep and attempting to cope with a serious lack of caffeine in my system. No, really, fabulous.
So I'm sitting at my desk blaring obnoxious man hating music from my iPod when I realize that my most recent victim (aka ex-boyfriend) was right all along when he accused me of never truly being in love with him. So, I wondered silently to myself, how was it that I was so happy with him at the beginning of this so called "relationship"? Then it hit me: I'm completely, utterly, and undeniably selfish. I was never in love with him, I was in love with the way he loved me. Like that Shania Twain song, "Oh I love the way you, love the way you love me... blah blah blah..." No but really, who wouldn't be? "No" was not a part of his vocabulary. Or at least he was incapable of uttering the word to me. I got what I wanted when I wanted it, nothing more and nothing less.
This was all well and good until I stopped wanting things from him. And by that I mean I stopped wanting anything and everything he had to offer (well, other than the really important things like a nice dinner out and a healthy serving of a cocktail or six.) I just needed some room to breathe, is that too much to ask? As it turns out, it was. This blow to his ego didn't bode will with his preexisting condition of a total lack of self confidence disguised by a cool, collected exterior. Why is it that insurance companies are smarter than women? I mean, honestly, they know a broken person when they see one and they have common sense to kick them to the curb and never take them back.
So anyway, looking back on all my relationships since Mr. High School Sweetheart, whether serious or not, I noticed a pattern - I fall in love with how crazy these boys are for me, mistake the feeling for being in love with them and quickly (but unfortunately never quite quickly enough) find myself completely unsatisfied and having to deal with a very messy break up as they tend not to react well to my admittance that, no, I never really loved them, and yes, I'm done trying to pretend that I do.
So what does all this have to do with Mr. High School Sweetheart? Well, I know now that I really did love him. He's the only man I've ever loved. It was both the most awesome and the most terrifying realization of my young life.
So now the question is, what next?
