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I'm a mother, a poet, a blogger, and a shortbread cookie fanatic!  I love life and all that it offers me.  As a breast cancer survivor I am...
 
 
 
 

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Real Discussions About Sex: "I Wasn't Planned?"

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Weeks ago, I decided to have the “birds and bees” conversation with my son. It began with me laying out the basics and my son (embarrassed and bashful) cutting me off and telling me (over and over), “I learned that in school already” or “I already know that.” So, the conversation veered into hormones that make bad ideas seem good, and the true and not so true facts behind those amazing “pubescent tales” and fantastic do’s and dont’s of birth control. He was equally embarrassed and bashful of the twist that the conversation had taken, but it didn’t take long for me to pique his curiosity and he began to listen intently.

Deception

Seeing that I had his complete attention, and thinking that this may be my only chance to get some real facts in, I began telling him about the 1% factor in birth control and that abstinence is the only 100% method. I explained that even though 1% is an extremely low percentage, it is a fact that should not be ignored; especially since, he too, falls in the 1% equation.

He looked at me with wide eyes and said, “I wasn’t planned?” In that split second, I decided the truth would, ultimately, be better than telling a lie just to make him feel better. I put my arms around him and said, “I couldn’t have planned anyone as perfect as you are.”

I continued to explain that there are MANY 1% people in the world (some know it and some don’t), but it is my belief that if a person doesn’t know how possible it is to be in the 1% rank, then they may end up behaving as if it could never happen to them.

I don’t know if that was my first and last opportunity to get this critical information to my son, but I hope it is information that will stick with him forever.

Was it TMI for an 11-year-old who is going through early puberty? Well, when I see how interested he is in girls these days, I think not. Every day, when I pick him up from school, I see how aggressive these girls are in middle school, and it blows my mind. However, the final reasoning behind my decision to tell is my memories of my Junior High years (ages 12-14).

Yes, I remember the school video, but most of all, I remember “Spin the Bottle” and “Truth or Dare” plus a few other games. So, was it too much information or mandatory information? I think every parent has to decide on their own, but as a single mother raising a boy, I need only to reflect back to my own youthful years to know that I should not shy away from feeding him important knowledge, even if it isn’t ideal.

Peace & Blessings ---{-@

Memoirs From A Single Mother Raising A Boy / Memoirs From A Poetess:

http://SweetPoet65.wordpress.com

 

 

Photo Credit: coreyann.

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oviedostyle 7 pts

I think your answer was great. Eleven is not too young. Plus you are obviously an attentive mother so he is not being neglected. I am THRILLED that you had the guts and the love to tell him. This is important info.

I know parents don't want to have the talk with their children, but I'd rather have a day or so of awkward than a pregnant (or father to be) 14 or 18 year old.

Besides none of my siblings were planned. My mom had 5 kids and she loves us all unconditionally, but she had not planned on even her first children. we all know this and nobody has ever said that she ruined our lives by telling us.

KarenLynnn 750 pts

i wasn't planned and i found out on my own. i remember how boggled my mind felt when i did the math...got married in may i was born in october! but i was wanted and loved. but you got me thinking about how my son might feel. i always just told him that he was "at the wedding" in my tummy. it just didn't matter, he couldn't have been more wanted and loved if he was planned.

Kimberly S. 11 pts

I wasn't planned and was told so several times while growing up. I was not told in a conversation such as the one you had with your son, so my situation is different. But I got the feeling I wouldn't be here if there were other options at the time. It's a thought that saddens me, still. Nevertheless, when a child understands that he is part of something, a statistic, that seems impossible, it is impactful. I am sure he got the message on how easy it is to create a child.

Middle school is different than when we were there and yes, girls can be aggressive. But it seems boys give those girls the most attention. The best thing we can do for feminism is raise feminist boys. It's relieving when boys do not give girls attention simply because they are being flirtatious and sexual.

bleeping amazing 6 pts

Funny I should happen upon this blog tonight. My son was also not planned and for the first time, tonight, he said, "Yeah, you had me before you got married!" He...gasped. Little stinker.

Nathadale77 5 pts

Sex is very happy and appealing if both of you will enter to marriage first before you do the thing.

Sand In My Eyes 8 pts

I love the way that you handled his question about being unplanned. My mom used to say to me, "You are our biggest mistake... because the other two haven't grown up yet" She thought she was just HILARIOUS, but there was something so very damaging in that statement that made me question the basic worth of my existence. I think the way that you handled his question remained within the realm of truth and buoyed up his worth as a person, a gift to your life. I think that was really beautiful.

And what is it with middle school girls being so aggressive? I noticed that so much when we were back in North American this spring. I'm grateful, for this time in our lives, to be in Middle East where the sexes are segregated. Keeps his innocence for just a little longer.

Kimberly S. 11 pts

Sand In My Eyes I can appreciate your relief in your situation that the sexes are segregated in the Middle East. But I do not think Middle Eastern values toward women would serve young women or young men well. It's about parenting. Strong parenting in any culture where children are taught to respect themselves and each other--everyone of every sex. No one should be sub-class or valued/devalued for their gender.

Sand In My Eyes 8 pts

Kimberly S.Sand In My Eyes I thinks it's an unfair generalization that Middle Eastern values toward women are always negative. I have many female friends that are practicing doctors, lab techs, business owners, and they demand their rights!

In the West, we are only fed the really negative stories, and while it isn't completely unwarranted, it is also unfair to say that it is the norm. I do appreciate the values in the Middle East when it comes to protecting girls. Let me give you an example:

My son was in Grade 4. He took a liking to a girl in his class and started writing her "love notes". In my eyes, I would think they were innocent, saying she was pretty and the worst of it all saying that he wanted to kiss her. The girl's brother found the notes and beat him up on the playground (physical altercations is another topic that I feel strongly about and won't get into it right now), threatening him never to talk to his sister again. The principal called me into the office and showed me the notes (she also punished the brother for hitting my son, just fyi). We also had a meeting with the father and my son apologized for his behaviour.

This was all over a handful of notes passed in class! Hardly the aggressive actions I had seen exhibited by girls of the same age in the West. Yet, it was addressed with the greatest of seriousness. It opened up a great conversation with our son about how to treat girls/women with respect. I asked him where he got these ideas in his head in the first place. His answer? Hannah Montana.

Since then, some neighbourhood boys kissed our daughter on the cheek. She came into the house crying. Guess who stood up for his sister, and protected her? My son demanded that they treat her with the respect and honour that he shows their sisters. My husband also went to their houses to confront their fathers. Honour and protection are high values here, for both genders, and something that I'm thankful for as I'm raising my son to be respectful to women and my daughter to be aware of her worth (and rights!).

anneisanne 14 pts

I think to share or not is all in the packaging. Here it's a lesson, but fed in a way that makes the child feel loved. It was age-appropriate and led by the child's questions. I admire your candidness and your courage; my parents are great people, but lied about many topics that were tough to discuss.

Robin Follette 10 pts

My kids know they weren't planned and are the two best surprises in our lives. I think you handled it well.

roxisbrilliant 7 pts

I support honesty in the parent/child relationship. When my son (now 5) starts asking questions, I have no problem sitting down & discussing how he was completely unplanned. Unplanned, but NEVER unloved or unwanted. :-)

caloden 6 pts

Right on! Honesty, at an age appropriate level, is always best. My oldest, now 18, and I have had this chat and he says he appreciated my honest answers to his questions. Plus, it gave him perspective on birth control.

bibliophile21 10 pts

I completely agree with your approach. I always knew the truth about my conception (unplanned pregnancy for a teenage mother) and I think it was very beneficial. I would much rather have known the truth than to find out later and be hurt.

bereccah 13 pts

I think you did a very good job. I am sure that was not an easy conversation to have. Honestly, the best answer to that "unplanned" question I saw on Rosanne of all places. She tells her son, "You were a surprise, which is a gift you didn't even know you wanted until you got it." :-)

drannmaria 6 pts

You absolutely did the right thing. I remember how angry my late husband was when he applied for a passport, got his birth certificate and realized his mother was pregnant before his parents were married. They were fundamentalist Christians and had criticized him his whole life, particularly his decision to get divorced, to remarry. It would have done a lot for their relationship to have had an honest discussion early on.

LucindaA 34 pts

I think you handled it beautifully and not too soon.

JennaHatfield 128 pts

I like your approach, I really do.

I found out I wasn't planned on my own. I was 13 (which is late anyway), getting my birth certificate out to sign up for summer league softball, and I *finally* did the math. My mom had always preached "abstinence only," so this was a huge surprise to me. And it really severed a few layers of trust that they had been trying to build with the you-can-tell-us-anything approach. I felt that I couldn't... since they didn't.

I feel... luckier?... in that I can't avoid some of these discussions due to my daughter. I'm hoping to learn from my parents mistakes and handle these discussions in age appropriate manners as they continue to pop up.

Thank you for sharing yours. I think your son is a very lucky dude.

SunbonnetSmart.com 294 pts

Wow! Loved this...thanks for sharing. Fondly, Robin

LetThemEatGreat 93 pts

I dread the day that my husband and I have to discuss the birds and bees with my son, but we will do it. It's too important of a lesson to leave up to same-age friends, TV or the Internet. I think you have found a good way to put things into perspective, and it seems like you had the talk at an appropriate time.

That means I have 6 years!!! Whoo-hoo!!! : )

Conversation from Twitter

rosiegrrl2000
rosiegrrl2000

blogher Too little! Birds & bees should be an open conversation with kids since birth! 11 is old to start convo, but def shouldn't end now.

Lesley4596Cheu
Lesley4596Cheu

rosiegrrl2000 I hook up with ladies almost every night, look into this http://t.co/7GYM4W21

ourgrowgarden
ourgrowgarden

blogher honest. Every child will have individual needs on learning about sex though. She took her sons circumstances into consideration.

TTDiaries
TTDiaries

blogher Not TMI...people need to be more honest with their kids. Great post.

BlogHer
BlogHer

ttdiaries I thought so too. :) -Momo

Conversation from Facebook

Sara Miller Lueders
Sara Miller Lueders

Yes...none of my children were planned and I am fine with it, and fine telling them and others about it. I tell them they are the 4 BEST mistakes I have made in my lifetime! Haha! : )

Jennie Sanchez
Jennie Sanchez

Weather a child is planned or not is not the question its weather you are willing to embrace the greatest gift from god You could ever recieve my daughter is 6 months old im am 20 i had her when i was 19 going on 20 and she was planned im married and have been since i was 18.we decided that was a step we were ready to take and even if she wasnt planned it wouldnt change a thing life is full of hard decisions and hard situations but its up to you how you deal with them no child is an accident they are gifts from god put here for a reason

Helene Kremer
Helene Kremer

I wasn't planned! My natural mother gave me up for adoption and my birthparents (who are much older now) talk about the happiness of adopting me. I'm now also semi-friendly with my natural mother. And, like another poster said, we as human's can't plan anything (except an abortion). Every child is a gift.

Shabby, Chic, & Cheap
Shabby, Chic, & Cheap

I would admit it, just because they weren't planned doesn't mean you love them any less or that they are les sspecial than planned kids. Quite frankly I don't know many families that 'planned' their pregnancies. I think the surprise is part of the fun of becoming parents and learning.

Robin Miller Rosenberg
Robin Miller Rosenberg

One of the best quotes I've ever heard about this was from the old Roseanne show. The youngest child asks Rosanne if he was an accident. Roseanne replied, "no sweetie, you were a surprise."

Leslie Whitney
Leslie Whitney

50% of all children born are not planned, I've read. I think that's pretty bad. Aren't we capable of better family planning than that?

Carrie Smurawa-Calaway
Carrie Smurawa-Calaway

Mine are 11 months apart! Not planned but would do it all over again! Such blessings considering we only have the 2! I was the youngest of 10, closest sibling is 5 years older, parents were 50 & 47, never was called an Opps but rather a "I didn't think we could do this anymore!"

She Writes It
She Writes It

Some kids are planned, some aren't. If mine ever ask, I'll tell them the truth. I think there's a big difference b/w unplanned children & unwanted children. Most kids don't care whether they were planned or not - it's probably more about if they are wanted now that they are here.

Rhonda Snively Dees
Rhonda Snively Dees

We weren't planning any of our three children, but we know nothing of our lives depends on our planning anyway. God's plans are infinitely better than any we could dream up. And I'm not ashamed to share that with our children.

Alisha Brignall
Alisha Brignall

How can you actually "plan" kids - even with IVF it is not a guarantee......

Tricia Smith Boutelle
Tricia Smith Boutelle

My oldest daughter is 11 and we have had the talk, in which I explained that she was not planned. She was however, a fantastic surprise and a huge blessing!! I was 21 when I had her and it was a bit scary, but her dad and I embraced her and the new life that we had together. We have two more daughters, age 9 (planned) and age 4 (not planned). There is no reason to hide planned vs. not. We all want our kids to understand reality, consequences, and accountability. Right? Well, along with those things goes honesty. A kid armed with knowledge is much better prepared than one who has been guided to only see half-truths.

Karen Smith
Karen Smith

We call my youngest sister "the accident" all the time. Four of us in 6 years, then a 5 year gap and she came along. My mother smiles sweetly when she overhears and says, "Oh, you were ALL accidents" :)

Jennifer Stake White
Jennifer Stake White

After two fertility treatment babies, we ended up with "buy two get one free"!! She knows she's our bonus baby and we joke that once we bought a minivan, God saw an extra seat and put a baby in it. She is the light of our lives and knows that too. There's a big difference between unplanned and unwanted !

Lisa Carpenter
Lisa Carpenter

None of my three were planned but were definitely wanted. Never hid either fact from any of them.

Dawn Rouse
Dawn Rouse

I tease my brother that all the best siblings were unplanned. That's 2 for 3.

Kirsten Freislinger Luehrs
Kirsten Freislinger Luehrs

Since abortion is legal, all are planned. (just adding a twist!)

Nelle Douville
Nelle Douville

If I was planned, someone needed a new drawing board.

Cheryl Muzynski Sorce
Cheryl Muzynski Sorce

How is that any of ANYONE'S business?

HaHas for HooHas
HaHas for HooHas

Definitely - spontaneous, "HOLY CRAP", life?? what's better than that??

BlogHer
BlogHer

According to my mother none of us were planned. That is 0 out of 7. ;-0 - Karen

Kate Wilson Wilke
Kate Wilson Wilke

My first was unplanned, but we were happy; 2nd was planned; and 3rd - I was on birth control. So, although he was unplanned - God obviously wanted us to have him :)

Shaun McGahey
Shaun McGahey

I'll admit my daughter wasn't planned. The news of my pregnancy came the day after my husband got laid off & 2.5 weeks before our wedding.

However, as bad as the timing was, she was exactly what we needed, we just didn't know it yet.

Sharon Emery
Sharon Emery

My brother and I were both 'accidents'. I was a happy one and he was an unfortunate one. That's what I tell him, anyway. :)

Carrie Spicer Newman
Carrie Spicer Newman

Definitely not TMI for an 11 year old. I used to work at an adoption agency and we had a birth father who was 11...

Jessica Orlowicz
Jessica Orlowicz

of course. Our first pregnancy wasn't planned, but we were married and employed so I wasn't ashamed.