Ah, giving crap to teachers. We do it every year, on the pretense of it being somebody's holiday: Eid, Hanukkah, Solstice, Christmas, a New Year of some variety, the start of summer break. As a college instructor, I'm mostly immune from the gift-giving, but as the daughter of two (now retired) high school teachers, I can attest that they get some wacky stuff.

And the poor elementary school teachers. . . Type "teacher" and "gifts" into your favorite search engine, and you'll find a bunch of pablum that assumes your teacher is a lonely, white, Christian, middle-class, middle-aged, female, third-grade teacher starved for personal care time who yearns for child-crafted stuff or gardening gloves.

Allow me to set you straight.

First, if your child has a particular gift with the arts-n-crafts, then by all means let him or her make something for the teacher. But otherwise, put down the pipe cleaners and the hot glue gun and heed the following advice.

Here's the bottom line: If you're going to give a gift, it must be in sincere gratitude or friendship, and not given out of a mere feeling of obligation or quid pro quo. My mother, for example, in her final years of teaching high school English, received, on more than one occasion--and always near report card time--earrings. Except she doesn't have pierced ears. Details, details.

Raise your hand if you or your parents have given a teacher an apple-shaped tchotchke. Consider your gift thoughtless. Unless, of course, you gave your teacher fresh, real apples that you hand-picked in an apple orchard at the height of apple season. That's gift idea #1: If it's fall, give your teacher

1. apples you picked yourself. (Eating apples are better than cooking apples because what teacher has time to make applesauce or bake a pie this time of year?) Also much appreciated, if you're feeling especially generous: those fabulous pears from Harry and David.

But what of the personal care products that seem so perennially popular? Let me say it now: I hate lotion. I can't stand the perfumes. And unless it's fairly traded, vegetarian, not tested on animals, petrolatum- and paraben-free, etc. etc., the thought doesn't count. I don't know if your child's teacher feels the same way, but with everyone allergic or sensitive to some chemical or another these days, a better personal care gift--if you're feeling generous--might be

2. a gift certificate to a local spa or salon. You can go in on such a gift with several other parents from your child's class. And remember: men as well as women can benefit from a massage or other personal attention. Restaurant gift certificates also fall into this category--just be sure not to give your vegan teacher a certificate to the local steakhouse or pork loin joint.

Two things teachers tend to value: childhood literacy and lifelong learning. And so I offer the old standby:

3. Books. By which I mean one of two things: (a) a gift certificate to a local bookstore (preferably an independent one) or (b) a special book purchased for the classroom, or for the school library in the teacher's name.

4. Also in keeping with the "lifelong learning" theme: If the teacher enjoys art, history, or natural history, buy him or her a membership to a local museum. Be sure the museum's temporary exhibitions change several times each year so that the teacher can return during the year to see something new.

5. Donate money, in honor of the teacher, to a nonprofit organization that you're certain means something to the teacher. Note: This does not mean giving money to your favorite nonprofit. If you know your teacher is an environmentalist, you might donate, for example, to The Nature Conservancy or to a local organization that protects natural habitat. Teachers interested in human and civil rights might be delighted with your donation to, for example, Amnesty International, or particular to the U.S., the Southern Poverty Law Center. If your teacher is a writer or a fan of global lit, write a check to International PEN or the PEN American Center, both of which defend free expression and advance literature. Not sure what matters most to your child's teacher? Ask someone else at the school who knows the teacher well, or check out the bumper stickers on your teacher's car.

6. Pool your resources with other parents and buy your teacher a gift certificate to the local or regional entertainment venue—you know, the arena that hosts basketball games, ice hockey, the symphony pops, and rock concerts. Be sure you're giving enough so that the teacher can bring his or her partner or other special friend.

7. If he or she doesn't already have one, buy the (relatively) tech-savvy teacher an annual membership to Flickr or another photo-sharing site. If you wish, you can set up the account yourself before turning it over to the teacher, populating it with photos of all the children in the class.

8. Treat your teacher to a movie night (or several). Provide a gift certificate to cover tickets to a local movie theater, as well as concessions, or give the teacher three months or more of Netflix or a similar DVD-by-mail service as well as some popcorn and chocolate.

9. Stuff for the classroom. While this isn't technically a gift tailored to the teacher's personal interests, teachers often spend hundreds of dollars each year out of their own pockets to stock their classrooms and labs. Tell your teacher that you'd like to make a gift of supplies, and ask for some suggestions within your budget. Depending on the thickness of your wallet, this might mean purchasing a couple boxes of crayons, a collection of pipettes, a board game, or a class set of paperback novels. Always ask first to be sure your gift will be useful and appreciated.

10. A handwritten letter from you and your child expressing how much the teacher means to both of you. Type up a letter with similar sentiments supporting the teacher's work and give it to the school principal. (Give the teacher a copy of this typed letter as well.)

What about you? What's the most thoughtful gift you've given a teacher? If you're a teacher, what has been your favorite gift?

When she's not being curmudgeonly, Leslie Madsen-Brooks helps university faculty improve their teaching. She blogs at The Clutter Museum, Museum Blogging, and The Multicultural Toy Box.