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In the days leading up to Feb. 14, BlogHer staffers' inboxes start getting cluttered with press releases, the subject lines of which all seem to be "Valentine's Gifts They'll Remember!!!!!!"
Yeah. I'd remember if my husband offered any of these in a heart-shaped box. Behold my top six romance-killing Valentine's Day gifts!
"Ready for your mole check, darling?
6) A Box of Nothing and a Defensive Attitude
"Relationship expert" Jay Cataldo, aka The Love Ninja ("as seen in Maxim!") has this to say to dudes seeking the perfect last-minute gift: "Valentine's Day is nothing more than a competition between a woman and her girlfriends ... there's nothing romantic about it. I say it's time for men to stop giving in to unrealistic expectations and put an end to this nonsense for good. The fairytale ends now." Is there a card for that?
5) Smackdown: Credit Check vs. Life Insurance
While the FICO "Credit Cupid" urged couples to perform a Valentine's credit check with a cutesypoo name and scary-depressing stats about gender expectations in dating, I think the vaguely threatening tone of the Insure Your Love life insurance PR effort grabs the win in the "desperately trying to put a romantic spin on a ridiculously unromantic financial service" category.
4) A New Face
This Valentine's Day, give loved ones "a beautiful, natural way to 'manage' the passing years." With NuFace. [Commence NuFacepalm.]
3) Mole Check -- for Two!
Valentine's is the perfect time to "measure your love this Valentine's Day and spot-check your sweetheart," suggests the Skin Cancer Foundation. 'Cause nothing says temptation like a skin examination.
2) This Thing
It's billed as "the new Snuggie" and "the comfortable hug you can wear!" It's sold out on Pajamagram.com for Valentine's Day. And OK, I can totally see how this would keep your toes toasty on a snowy night and allow you to drink your tea in marshmallow-soft fleece comfort. But until they build a version for two, I can't think of an outfit that hollers "we don't do it anymore" louder than the
Lady-Bit "Wipettes"
Care for a quick "spot refresh?" Try the On-the-Go Wipettes! Perhaps you'd like a seductive "Shower of Power" -- opt for Bidet-in-a-Bottle! Or give the gift of Eau de Spot -- the product that asks the question every woman wants to hear from her lover on the most romantic day of the year: "Why deodorize when you can glorify?"
So far in my life I've managed to avoid giving or getting any presents that glorify my parts, insure my life, or straightjacket me in yards and yards of marshmallow-soft fleece. How about you? Heard of any bizarre Valentine's gift ideas -- or even received one? Do tell ...
Honeybeast, aka Julie Ross Godar, is the managing editor of BlogHer.
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