The top-secret math equation behind aging nobody talks about.

math equation for aging

The thing about aging is that it’s 3 parts cool stuff and 1 part sucks ass.

There are countless—truly, countless—articles extolling the virtues of aging. I get it and I mostly agree with them, even if there is a detectable whiff of desperation underlying some of the words. Or perhaps that’s just me reading between the lines, which—heads up—is one of my favourite habits. Tell me you like something I’ve made or written and I will analyze the crap out of your tone, places where you stopped to breathe and the syllABLES you emPHASized. All inside my head naturally because I have some social skills.

But back to aging…. ¾ cool to ¼ crap, and despite a life long fear of fractions (that I will deny with my last breath should my son catch wind of it, which he won’t because at 14 he’s so over reading his maman’s blog), this is a math equation I can stand behind.

The ¾:

  1. We’re past the point of caring what other people think of how we dress, walk and talk. We own who we are.
  2. We’ve gained wisdom. Likely due to screwing up a lot, but the point is we grew from those mistakes. Unless you’re the mayor of a major Canadian city, in which case the more you screw up the more you blame others, attempt to deflect the attention and generally act like a drunken, entitled asshole spoiling for a bar fight.
  3. We recognize the value of relationships and nourish them in a way that was beyond our ability to understand when we were younger.
  4. We’re more empathetic. Unless you’re the mayor of a major Canadian city.  See above.

The ¼:

  1. We’re as likely to discuss a nagging shoulder injury sustained when we slept in a bad position as the ache in our joints because winter is coming. Whatever happened to the good old days of injuries being caused by normal things like falling out of trees or tripping in a cornfield during a field party?
  2. A wild night entails sipping a Sleepy Time tea followed by not one, not two, but THREE melatonin tablets. Hard core, baby!
  3. Tequila is not your friend. It never was, but now even one tiny shot mixed with a healthy dose of soda and a spritz of lime leaves you feeling as though the party lasted all night long when there was in fact no party and you were in bed at a semi-reasonable time.
  4. Gravity.

At first glance the points may appear equal in number, but the ¾ to ¼ equation factors in the value assigned to each part and relationships trump gravity every time.

* The thing with writing tired when you’re 40+ is you think, “Screw you, high school and university English classes! I’ll let my sentences run on and on and on and get creative with punctuation if I want to because I am a grown ass woman and you’re not the boss of me.”

** Is it nap time yet?

*** I’m probably a math genius and didn’t even know it.

Kat @ jackstrawlane


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