I'm writing this post at the request of family members and friends who are having a difficult time this holiday season. 

The holiday season is not joyful or easy for all.  Recognizing that fact can be the first step toward helping friends who find the Holidays a tough time.

Last week, I took the time to talk to several friends who find the Holidays difficult.  In the process, I asked each what she and her family needed and how I could help to make this time of year easier.  They gave me several ideas on how to help.

1. Provide Acknowledgement: I have a friend whose son passed away almost three years ago.  For her, his loss is something to be overcome on a daily basis.  The support network she enjoyed during her son's illness has all but evaporated.  Over Thanksgiving, she told me, few even acknowledged that the holidays might be a difficult time.  My friend so appreciated the brave friends who were willing to talk about her son and say they were thinking about him.  When I told her maybe some didn't mention him because they didn't want to upset her, she said, "Having a good cry with people who care is better than pretending the loss isn't there.  When no one even mentions my son, it makes a holiday even more lonely... I feel like I'm the only one missing him." 
2. Control your Expectations: It is important to realize that no amount of holiday cheer can resolve issues of loss or illness; in some cases, unreasonable holiday expectations can actually make things worse for a family in difficulty.  When the tough side of life rears its head, it can change a person's outlook on celebrating in general.  They may opt to forego the traditional feasting and gift-giving and should be allowed the freedom to spend a holiday in whatever way suits their needs.  As caring friends, it is our job to support a hurting family's choices without imposing our own views of the "Holiday Ideal" upon them.  There is nothing wrong with sharing wishes for peace, warmth, and love -- just so long as there are no strings attached.
3. Give Wisely: Some things are beyond our power as friends to change.  My friend whose stepson is recovering from addiction shared this insight: "People think they can gift him back to good health or that going overboard for my other children is going to make my sick child well again.  It's not going to happen."  While families in hardship may need some material things -- like groceries, child care, or help with medical bills -- there is usually no way to buy the problem away.  One of the best gifts you can give is your presence and quiet support.  Helping to provide a peaceful Holiday may be the best you can do, and that's okay. 
4. Don't Stop at the Holidays: I have a friend whose spouse had cancer.  She found that there was always a flurry of concern and offers to help in the week or so before Christmas.  After New Years, though, the telephone didn't ring nearly as much.  If you are dedicated to helping a family or friend at the Holidays, wouldn't it be wonderful to extend that support through the year?  Even just calling to say, "How are you? I was thinking of you today," can be a tremendous gift.  Change your idea of "holiday presents" into giving your presence on an ongoing basis, and you may have the chance to really make a difference for someone you care about.

Many of us are so very blessed to feel the joy of the Holiday season with those we love.  But, for those who are experiencing a tough time, our care and friendship is so important.  Look at it this way, if compassionate friends are dedicated to helping when we can, by offering peaceful, quiet acknowledgment and support, we can help make difficult situations easier.  And in time, that can open the door to holiday joy for the ones we love.

I wish you all a peaceful Holiday Season and a wonderful New Year.

- Julia at Midwest Moms