Toxic

I am in such a toxic state this week. I feel like I have this swollen mass of aching poison in the middle of my body. This horrific THING that I have to birth to feel better. The pressure increases, but does not induce labour.

I get angry for no reason, am easily annoyed, impatient and uncomfortable. A few nights ago, one of the ladies in my mothers' group announced some changes she's making in her life. Ordinarily, I would've been like "Good for you!" and then provided some supportive utterances and/or helpful advice and/or an example of someone I know who did the same thing to great benefit.

I couldn't do it.

I tried. I think I managed a few good things, before offering indirect admonishments and thinly veiled derision. See, I couldn't shift my focus away from everything that was wrong with her argument. Words like flawed, selfish, pointless, stupid and ill-informed came to the tip of my tongue and were barely bitten back.

I don't want to be that judgmental person.

My hair is gross and my skin is bad. I feel dry and oily at the same time, if such a thing is possible. I did yoga each day for four consecutive days to try to purge my physical hard-drive. This left me grateful for the brief taste of peace, and then resentful about how quickly it dissipated.

I don't want to be this negative person.

Is this what grief does? Does it show you the joy of someone's life and then the crushing pain of their loss, and then leaves you flattened and damaged but not broken enough to stop? There is so much joy and light and peace in my life. I work with children, for fuck's sake. Why can I see all that is wonderful here, but not fully experience it, right now?

I don't want to grieve, anymore.

So, here are some good things. My daughter got into the playschool we wanted, and my mother-in-law will graciously and generously help with transport. My kids and my crew got to eat the first of the peas they planted in June. Watching them sit on the big step and crunch their peas was a truly golden moment. I've made a good dent in my fall planning and I'm starting to get a tiny bit excited about the return to structure. Homeschooling preschool really does rock. My husband is a good man who loves me fully, and my home is safe and warm.

Life is good. Really.

Have I mentioned that the air is brown?

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