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Mainstream and social media has exploded with reports of the Obedient Wives Club, a Malay Muslim organization that seeks to fight social ills, especially domestic abuse and infidelity, by embracing concepts we often associate with the Stepford Wife: to obey one's husband, entertain him, dress up for him, and provide good sex as a spousal duty.
Photo by graciehagen.
While the tenets are not in and of themselves entirely unreasonable, critics worry that they create an imbalance in relationships, potentially perpetuating the ignorance of Muslim women's rights and their ability to exercise them. What’s more, the idea that being obedient, entertaining, alluring and sexually satisfying will rid the world of domestic abuse and infidelity perpetuates victim blame. After all, infidelity and abuse do not only happen to disobedient wives who don't put out, and the reinforcement that abuse or neglect is a woman's fault makes coming forward all the more difficult.
The group's tenets are thus hugely problematic, and have, unsurprisingly, led to much discourse around the web about gender equality. Even so, the discussion got me thinking about marriage and how these tenets could be reworded to truly provide a better foundation for a relationship.
GOOD SEX
Sex is a taboo in Asian society. We have ignored it in our marriages but it's all down to sex. A good wife is a good sex worker to her husband. What is wrong with being a whore ... to your husband? This way, the family institution is protected and we can curb social ills.
-- Rohayah Mohamad, co-founder of the Obedient Wives Club
It's possible, as sexologist Dr. Susan Block has mentioned on Twitter, that the use of the term "whore" means to illustrate more openness as it regards communication and exploration of sexual desires, but as I have said elsewhere, I have a problem with the use of sex worker epithets when describing activities outside of sex work because of the distinction I make between transactions and relationships.
Transactions such as those that occur in sex work involve an agreed-upon exchange. Each party works toward negotiating terms that they see as beneficial to them -- the main concern being not so much fairness to all parties as it is personal gain. Relationships, on the other hand, involve the creation of an organism, wherein the parties involved work toward a common goal. Fairness, in the maintenance of a healthy relationship, is paramount to ensure that all parties do what is needed to move the relationship toward its goals.
So while I agree that good sex should be something to strive for, I don't like the idea of it becoming transactional. Sex in a functional relationship has as a common goal, the fulfillment of both parties. It's possible that our partner may wish to experience things we are not sure we will like, and we may agree to try these out, but in order for the experience to be complete, for us to feel safe and cherished, we need to be certain that our partners will respect our desires should we choose to prematurely end an activity if we are uncomfortable or otherwise not enjoying it.
In short, it should be the goal of both parties to strive to fulfill and satisfy one another, and to keep in mind a partner’s comfort and well-being as well our own pleasure.
While at some points in our relationships prioritizing sex may be the way to go, I am hesitant about ideas such as those presented in books such as Forty Beads: The Simple, Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage, which suggests a man should let his wife know when he wants sex by placing one of the 40 beads he is allotted (apparently annually) in her "bead-holder."
This method doesn't simply seem to ignore that women have desires just as men do, but by placing a 24-hour redemption period on each request, it creates a demand without allowing for communication in the same way that may be achieved if one partner were to tell the other, "I want to devour you. Can we make a date tonight?" In the latter scenario, a man or woman has the option of saying that he or she has had a long day, and suggest a better opportunity. Face it, we get tired. In a healthy sexual relationship, it's perfectly acceptable to wish to postpone sex until we’re at our best to enjoy ourselves and our partners.
It is also essential to remember that while sex is an expression of desire
