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At BlogHer09, I sat down to lunch with friends in the basement of the Sheraton. A little later we were joined by a slim woman with short hair. She introduced herself, and we started talking about eco-stuff, as she is an eco blogger. Then I sort of faded out of the conversation and snapped back in when she mentioned she is the parent of a transgendered child. A very young transgendered child.
I had to pause and shake off my initial thought, which I admit was, "but what if it's just a phase?" I might have said it. I hope I didn't. I'm sure Jen Khatchatrian hears that all the time. And before you click away from this post because it's off my normal beat, pull up a chair at this lunch table and join me to listen.
I'd love to tell you that I'm the world's most open-minded person -- that I came out that way. But I didn't. I get messages every day from the media, from my life experiences, from friends, neighbors and family. I grew up thinking boys were boys and girls were girls and everyone was either Lutheran or going Straight To Hell. Nobody tried to brainwash me -- it was just the environment I grew up in. As I've traveled through my life, I've tried to stop and listen before making assumptions. I've tried and continue to try to let new facts filter in and shape my perceptions.
I went into the conversation thinking it was wrong to let a young child make the decision to change his or her gender. I came out of lunch thinking, "I have to help this woman find friends for her daughter. Her daughter who has a penis."
And I also thought, "This has to be the toughest parenting decision a person could have to make."
What changed my mind? Listening to Jen's story. She talked of her daughter's pain and isolation, how she asked, "Am I the only one?"
Can you imagine how you would feel if your child asked you if he or she was the only person in the world with such a primal problem? I thought of my own daughter and how I would do anything to help her grow up as secure and happy as possible, and I realized if I were in Jen's place, I would be there at the therapist every week, just like she is. I would be searching the world for other boys who believed they were girls. I would be traveling to transgendered conferences wearing a t-shirt saying, "I'm from Chicago," just like Jen is.
We can't judge until we've walked in her shoes. Jen's certainly not crazy, and I doubt her kid is, either. We know many aspects of humanity operate on a spectrum, and gender is just another component of humanity.
WPTZ in Omaha covered a transgendered boy-to-girl story in May. The child said:
"It’s kind of like you’re trapped somewhere and you can’t get out," said the boy, whose name and face are not being made public to protect the family from potential harm.
20/20 covered the story of Jazz, a five-year-old girl who was born as a boy, in April 2007.
While Jazz's parents now fully accept their son as their daughter, the transition has not been without considerable doubt and stress. Many parents grieve for the child that never was. "I mourn the loss of the idea of my son," Renee said. "I see pictures and the video, and that child's gone. But there's a wonderful person now that's with us."
Jazz, Katie (in Omaha) and Jen's daughter are lucky to have parents who want to help them. According to a 2007 San Francisco State University Chavez Center Institute Study, GLBT and questioning kids who come from an unsupportive family are nine times more likely to commit suicide than other kids.
Unsupportive parents aren't the only obstacle transgendered kids face.
Michael Rowe wrote a while ago on the Huffington Post about KRXQ's shock jocks' vicious attacks on transgendered children.
Who are, after all, children, first and foremost. Trusting, innocent, and vulnerable, they ought to be beyond the reach of the violent, hate-mongering adult rhetoric that is taken for granted in American talk radio. One needs no particular sympathy for transgender people
