Transgendered Children
by Rita Arens

At BlogHer09, I sat down to lunch with friends in the basement of the Sheraton. A little later we were joined by a slim woman with short hair. She introduced herself, and we started talking about eco-stuff, as she is an eco blogger. Then I sort of faded out of the conversation and snapped back in when she mentioned she is the parent of a transgendered child. A very young transgendered child.

I had to pause and shake off my initial thought, which I admit was, "but what if it's just a phase?" I might have said it. I hope I didn't. I'm sure Jen Khatchatrian hears that all the time. And before you click away from this post because it's off my normal beat, pull up a chair at this lunch table and join me to listen.

I'd love to tell you that I'm the world's most open-minded person -- that I came out that way. But I didn't. I get messages every day from the media, from my life experiences, from friends, neighbors and family. I grew up thinking boys were boys and girls were girls and everyone was either Lutheran or going Straight To Hell. Nobody tried to brainwash me -- it was just the environment I grew up in. As I've traveled through my life, I've tried to stop and listen before making assumptions. I've tried and continue to try to let new facts filter in and shape my perceptions.

I went into the conversation thinking it was wrong to let a young child make the decision to change his or her gender. I came out of lunch thinking, "I have to help this woman find friends for her daughter. Her daughter who has a penis."

And I also thought, "This has to be the toughest parenting decision a person could have to make."

What changed my mind? Listening to Jen's story. She talked of her daughter's pain and isolation, how she asked, "Am I the only one?"

Can you imagine how you would feel if your child asked you if he or she was the only person in the world with such a primal problem? I thought of my own daughter and how I would do anything to help her grow up as secure and happy as possible, and I realized if I were in Jen's place, I would be there at the therapist every week, just like she is. I would be searching the world for other boys who believed they were girls. I would be traveling to transgendered conferences wearing a t-shirt saying, "I'm from Chicago," just like Jen is.

We can't judge until we've walked in her shoes. Jen's certainly not crazy, and I doubt her kid is, either. We know many aspects of humanity operate on a spectrum, and gender is just another component of humanity.

WPTZ in Omaha covered a transgendered boy-to-girl story in May. The child said:

"It’s kind of like you’re trapped somewhere and you can’t get out," said the boy, whose name and face are not being made public to protect the family from potential harm.

20/20 covered the story of Jazz, a five-year-old girl who was born as a boy, in April 2007.

While Jazz's parents now fully accept their son as their daughter, the transition has not been without considerable doubt and stress. Many parents grieve for the child that never was. "I mourn the loss of the idea of my son," Renee said. "I see pictures and the video, and that child's gone. But there's a wonderful person now that's with us."

Jazz, Katie (in Omaha) and Jen's daughter are lucky to have parents who want to help them. According to a 2007 San Francisco State University Chavez Center Institute Study, GLBT and questioning kids who come from an unsupportive family are nine times more likely to commit suicide than other kids.

Unsupportive parents aren't the only obstacle transgendered kids face.

Michael Rowe wrote a while ago on the Huffington Post about KRXQ's shock jocks' vicious attacks on transgendered children. 

Who are, after all, children, first and foremost. Trusting, innocent, and vulnerable, they ought to be beyond the reach of the violent, hate-mongering adult rhetoric that is taken for granted in American talk radio. One needs no particular sympathy for transgender people to understand the prodigious boundary transgression of promoting contempt and disgust towards children,anyone's children, on a radio show.

You may know a transgender child without realizing you do. How to help instead of hurt? TransYouth Family Allies offers these suggestions:

  • Treat these children as you would any other child.
  • Use the child’s preferred name and pronouns.
  • Avoid gender stereotyping and speak out against it in your interaction with others.
  • Intervene when you witness bullying or intolerance.
  • Help create gender neutral spaces on school campuses.
  • Help create comprehensive anti-bullying programs that include gender identity and expression in workplaces and schools.
  • Contact your local lawmakers and request legislation to protect gender identity and expression in your state, city or township.
  • Volunteer your time and talents or donate your funds to help educate others on gender identity and gender expression.

Jen is still looking for a girl-with-boy-plumbing to be friends with her daughter, so she can prove she is not the only one. Can you help her find such a child?

Resources:

Submitted by Rita Arens (view blog) on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 3:00am

Comments

 

More resources for trans kids

Great resources, Rita. I wrote about a few others, too, in a post I did in March for the Transgender Day of Visibility. I included resources for parents of trans kids and for kids of trans parents. (I also reviewed The Transgender Child here.)

Of particular note for Jen is an episode of NPR's This American Life that featured parents of transgender kids (relevant segments starts about 29 minutes in). It's notable for letting both the kids and parents speak, and not just being sensationalized, as is some coverage of the topic. Also recommended is the wonderful children's book 10,000 Dresses, by Marcus Ewert, which features a child born as a boy who knows he is a girl.(My review of that is here.)

Stephanie Brill, author of The Transgender Child, also runs the annual Gender Spectrum Family conference, where Jen could definitely meet families like hers. (I think it was mentioned in the NPR piece as well.) Their third annual conference is coming up in Seattle,
WA on Labor Day Weekend, Sept. 4-6, 2009.

It's wonderful that Jen is so supportive of her child. She's not alone.

Hope that helps,
Dana

Mombian: Sustenance for Lesbian Moms
http://www.mombian.com

Submitted by drudolph on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 05:07
 

Great article

Hi Rita, 

 

Good article & thanks for broaching the topic... you might check out Queercents.com  there are some good trans articles there as well as trans writers...I am a writer over there, so if you want I'm happy to try and connect people with resources. I am sorely lacking actual transgendered resources and info myself, but do my best to help connect people.

Very honest and excellent article... 

 

Paula Gregorowicz
The Paula G Company

http://www.thepaulagcompany.com

Submitted by paulag01 on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 05:23
 

another great resource

Thanks for this insightful and compassionate post, Rita. I am sure that you have helped more people than you know.

Here is another great blog on thesubject:

http://genderfluidkid.blogspot.com/

 

Laurie

www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com

Submitted by laurie on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 09:15
 

Oh good, I was hoping you'd post that

If you hadn't I was going to go poke you and make you since I found that blog through you. :)

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

Submitted by sassymonkey on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 11:11
 

important post

It was amazing to meet Jen at BlogHer, and I hope that she finds all that she and her family need.  I can't tell you how amazing it is to hear mothers--Jen, yes, and also mothers like you, Rita, who see that this issue is a hidden part of every community. Expressing support or at least a willingness understand goes a long way--it's really all anyone has. Every child and parent deserves this, especially those who are "different" in anyway. So, so, so good. 

Deb
www.debontherocks.com blog
www.3smartgirlz.com consulting

Submitted by debontherocks on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 09:47
 

thank you for writing about

thank you for writing about this subject!

Submitted by pookielocks on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 20:06
 

OTOH

"The Atlantic" magazine did an article on the subject last year, which contained a statistic that 80% of young kids with gender confusion do NOT identify with the other sex at adolescence. Most of them turn out simply to have a homosexual orientation. "We can’t tell a pre-gay from a pre-transsexual at 8," says Dr. Richard Green, author of the most extensive study to date on gender-confused boys.

Submitted by Crimson Wife on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 13:58
 

Very interesting

I didn't realize how important this topic was until I just read your post. Thanks for sharing about your experience meeting this mother. I don't know anyone in this situation (that I know of) but now I feel a bit more educated on the topic.

Submitted by Marketing Mama on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 18:20
 

Support for Transgender Children and Parents

This is a great post, Rita. Your friend is an excellent mother and her daughter is fortunate to have love and support in the home. She is not alone!

 

Here is a link to a PFLAG Spinoff Chapter in Chicago.

http://ow.ly/lcI0

There are several contacts listed and other links.

(I'm not sure if I understood their location)

 

Submitted by raisedqueer on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 20:26
 

Thanks for raising awareness

Thank you for writing about this issue. I have no first-hand knowledge, but I do know about the stigmatization and increased risks for bullying, depression and suicide that transgendered children face. We really need more awareness and sensitivity. As you say, these are CHILDREN, and they should be treated with compassion.

I am glad that Jen's daughter has such a strong support in her corner.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

Submitted by AmberS on Mon, 08/24/2009 - 21:02
 

Many Thanks!!

Thank you Rita for sharing our story! And for all the comments that provided leads and support. I am continually amazed at the love that people have shared with us.

Good news! We are attending the Gender Spectrum conference in Seattle so I have accomplished the first part of my mission for my daughter- finding friends who feel the same way.

I'm so grateful to TYFA for being there for us in person here in Chicago as we worked with our local school as well as the virtual support community that connects me with families across the country. TYFA has been my lifesaver!!

I wanted to refer to the OTOH comment briefly. I see a missing piece of information in the study that says that a large % of TG go back to their birth gender. In that study it doesn't reflect whether the TG person was embraced or supported in their life, school, family & friends. I know firsthand the pressure transgender people experience to just "be normal" and the pain that causes. I could only imagine that some people in that study could have felt that it was just too difficult to live as their true gender identity if they did not receive support. It also makes sense why 50% of TG people who do not receive support commit suicide. It is devastating to not be able to be who you are. Having said that, I do not know what the future holds. I only know that we will meet each step in life honestly and with love and awareness- no matter what.

Thank you again. I hope that sharing our story will encourage people to open their hearts as well as their minds.

Best,

Jen 

www.TodayYouAreYou.com

www.twitter.com/todayyouareyou 

 

Submitted by ecochicorganizer on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 06:13
 

playing family matchmaker

Jen-

My friend Nicole and her family when to the Gender Spectrum Conference last year and have registered to attend again this year. They had an amazing experiencing.

I linked to her blog earlier but her blog is called "It's hard to be me. Parenting and loving a gender fluid child."

Take good care - your daughter is lucky to have you as a mom.

 

Laurie

www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com

Submitted by laurie on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 06:24
 

article in today's globe and mail

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/mourning-a-daughter-celebrating-a-son/article1269994/

 

Laurie

www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com

Submitted by laurie on Mon, 08/31/2009 - 09:35
 

not all these kids are transgender

There is a LOT of research that most gender dysphoric kids will get more comfortable in their birth sex right around the time of adolescence.  I am raising a bio boy who has said he is a girl and has said this for a year now.  This idea of transitioning kids at 4, 5 or 6 is completely experimental and I think very irresponsible.  There is a group who has been working with these kids compassionately for 15 years or so, the Childrens National Medical Center in DC. They have tons of experience with these boys (primarily boys are referred here) and yes they usually turn out to be gay as long as they are not early transitioned.  

Yes, trans people have had terribly tough lives but lets not transition everyone at age 5 - that is absurd.  There is research about gender dysphoric children, that is the research one needs to read if one has a child that may or not persist in being gender dysphoric into adulthood.   Absolutely true even the latest research published last year still holds that 80% turn out ok living in their own bodies. 

 CNMC  link:

http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/default.aspx?Id=...

 

 

Submitted by CarolMc on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 17:24
 

and that is NOT what OTOH said

What OTOH was saying is that little pre gay boys are often very gender dysphoric.  They can be given a safe place to be who they are, - biological boys who want to act, look, etc like girls.  Not repress them no. But please dont put them on a path at age 5 that tells them " oh you have a minor birth defect, thats all, nothing unusual about you!" and sets them on a path to hormones and surgery. For goodness sakes read the research before you do that. The latest research comes out of the netherlands - where they pay for hormones and surgery if the kid still wants it and even there 80% of kids decided at puberty they were ok in their bodies. 

My kid has worn dresses for the past year, in and out of the house. I do not repress him.  I am open to the idea that he is transgender. If he gets suicidal, depressed, anything like that then that is a different story. I have no way of knowing and LOTS of research that backs  me up that he is probably a little pre-gay boy. Do the research on gender dysphoric children.

Read www.acceptingdad.com

a person in the CNMC group.  These kids need to be who they are:  little pre-gay boys!

 

Submitted by CarolMc on Thu, 11/12/2009 - 17:53