- Share This Post
- submit
- 4
-
Sparkle (0)
The other night I caught a documentary on Showtime called Trantasia.This film documented the first ever ‘World’s Most Beautiful Transsexual Pageant’ held in Las Vegas. The pageant followed the standard format; evening gown, talent, and swim suit. The top 3 winners won small amounts of money, which wouldn’t have covered the cost of the trip. But, if I recall correctly, the real purpose for the pageant was as talent search for a new Vegas Show featuring Transsexual Showgirls. I'm sure they found their talent. There were some very beautiful, talented women who participated.
In addition to chronicling the events of the pageant, the film featured the stories of 6 of the women. They talked about growing up “different” in a small town, being ridiculed by other boys when they were young, their families discovering their big secret, how they dealt with it, and how they live their lives now.It takes great inner strength and courage to step out across gender lines, and live a life outside the societal norm. I found their stories truly inspiring.
I am always fascinated by documentaries like Trantasia.I imagine that my fascination stems from having been gender confused as a kid. I wanted so desperately to be a boy. I was sure God had made a mistake. I used to pray every night that I would wake up and be a boy.From an early age, I rejected all things “girly” and was a total tomboy. When I was about 8 or 9, I asked my parents about getting sexual reassignment surgery. I wish I would have had someone I could have talked to who understood me and could help me understand what I was going through. As it was, I was pretty lonely, frustrated, and confused as a kid.
I’m not sure what changed for me, but about the time I hit high school I no longer felt such a strong desire to be male.Or at least I didn’t completely reject being female anymore. Mostly I think I just wanted to fit in, or at least to not stick out. Being a girl didn’t come naturally to me, it sort of felt like being in costume all day. Despite my efforts, I still felt different and I knew I didn’t really fit in with the other girls.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more comfortable with being me, and caring less about how others perceive or judge me. Or at least that's what I like to tell myself. I think for me, and I am only speaking to my experience, a key component of my gender confusion in my early childhood was actually that I didn’t understand my sexual identity. Once I understood that I was attracted to women, I also understood my strong rejection of my femaleness when I was younger. Now that I have a better understanding of me, I am most comfortable somewhere in between male and female. I would say I’m happy being on the female end of gender neutral.
Living a life contrary to societal norms is not an easy way to live. I admire anyone who lives their life true to themselves in spite of what others may think of them. Zuhn, who writes at Vanity Run Amok, wrote this On Gender
It is trying at times when people refuse to believe that I’m a woman and argue with me as though I must have missed seeing the penis swinging between my legs when I put my pants on in the morning. However, within my sphere, it’s not a big deal. People expect me to show up wearing a shirt and tie just as much as they expect me to show up wearing a top with my decolletage on display.
When you live outside the lines of presumed gender, simple unassuming things can become an anxiety filled experience. For me it's cosmetic counters or stores that put me in a panic. For Reasonably Prudent Poet, who writes at Swell (link may not be safe for work), it's shopping for underwear.
There wasn't much to think about, I was just buying myself three more pairs of the exact same underwear Mera had already gotten me, I just couldn't stand to even approach the department itself, much less the table with the underwear. Gah. I'm a boyish looking dyke, especially on that day two weeks ago, with my oversized mechanics jacket and my slouchy jeans and my knit-cap. Even when I don't look like a little ragamuffin boy out of Oliver
