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Trauma bonds.
Mmmmm.
It's a phrase which warms the cockles of some of our hearts. *cough* Children who come from traumatic histories share a bond ... a trauma bond. For children who have lived together during that trauma, it can be even more pronounced.
What does this mean - this "trauma bond" thing?
Well, it means that one child can have an emotionally strong day and really be rocking along quite nicely. Then their sibling starts to crash. The sounds, the familiarity, the flashbacks ... it can cause them both to tank. They play off each other. It can be a very, very toxic combination. And if they are BOTH already having a bad day - yowza.
I have watched it in my home, and it still saddens and fascinates me. The trauma bond between my adopted children Mar and Rocky was so intense that it hindered Rocky's healing for a very long time. Mar took the big sister role, even though he is three years older. He was terrified to stand on his own and move forward without her. She was all he had ever had, and he wasn't sure he wanted to shift the perceived power and control onto himself. He wasn't sure he could trust us. He didn't trust his sister, but she was all he knew.
Then, when he did start to make those emotional moves away from her - YIKES. She was not too happy. That was yet another time of extreme regression. It was u.g.l.y.
How did we balance it and get them to this point? Well, first and foremost, we kept their lives very separated for a very long time. They could not be in the same room together without an adult or they would be fighting. Period. It was constant. And when I say constant, and you think, "Heck, my kids fight all the time." Um ... please understand that you are probably using the word "constant" as an exaggeration. I am not.
Not even close.
Rocky and Mar could not say anything in a kind voice to one another. It was rare and usually superficial. Yet they craved being together. They were feeding off the trauma. We had to carefully determine who sat where at meals around the table. They could not be right next to one another or across from one another. They were not allowed to play together. It was just too much. We had to keep them separated so they could practice interacting with people in an emotionally healthy way. Then, when that was much more routine, we started to widen the boundaries so they could practice being together.
That was a year and half ago. Now, Rocky and Mar can play together unsupervised. Now they fight in age-appropriate ways, although they kick tail when it comes to resolving conflict (that's what all that therapy and therapeutic parenting will do for you!). If one of them has a bad day, we still sometimes will have to come in and make the decision for them that they are being a trigger to each other and have them play apart. Yet, they are night and day - NIGHT AND DAY - from where they used to be.
The last year of my life has certainly been the most exhausting year of my life. It has taken so much of my time to provide a safe place for my kids to heal. Yet, I have taken it very seriously. I have taken on very few outside commitments and built in times of rest and relaxation from my kids on a VERY regular basis. I have made myself available to them, so if we need to stop, drop and have an hour of therapeutic intervention on a Tuesday morning, we can do it. It is for a reason.
And while they started separate, they have found their way back to each other and can finally share true love and a healthy bond. Totally worth it.
Christine
