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The first time I had to leave my son overnight was difficult. He was eight months old and I had to attend an advocacy trip in Washington, DC for my job. I traveled to New York from Atlanta so that my mother could take care of him. I was nursing at the time and carried as much expressed milk as possible on the trip and also took along some formula for good measure. Although giving him formula was a rarity, I had to ensure that my mother was prepared in the event that my milk ran out. I left on the latest flight possible with the intention of putting him to sleep but of course it wasn't late enough and I had to depart from my mother's home with the sound of my crying baby lingering in my ears. It pulled at my heartstrings but I knew it had to be done. I put on my best game face and began my journey.
When I arrived at the hotel I requested a 'frig for my milk, ate dinner and pumped. Despite there being a mix-up with my room, I have to admit that was the best night of sleep I'd had in a long time. I instinctively woke up for 2 am feeding and happily rolled over when I realized I did not have to depart the comfort of my bed. The next evening was my birthday and after a long day of meetings I rejoiced in the peaceful quiet of my room with no threat of my crying baby interrupting my quiet time and slumber. It was nirvana.
When I returned from the trip my son was excited to see me and we both were comforted by spending time together nursing. We survived that first trip and it laid the groundwork for my future travel. Since that time I've spent no less than two weeks in total away from my son. And for me it has been easy. I don't fret about his welfare because my mother or my husband take great care of him (although I must admit the first time my husband was alone with him overnight I was a little concerned but I'm fine now). Tears are not shed and I don't rush around to check in on a hourly basis (sometimes I forget to check in at all). My most recent trip was this weekend for Blogher '09. I spent 5 days and four nights in Chicago seeing old friends and meeting many of them for the very first time. I called home a couple of times to check in but pretty much kept thoughts of my son in the back of my mind. I don't carry pictures of him to gaze lovingly at during the days and nights. As a matter of fact this weekend I was more concerned about hanging out at parties with my friends and was joyful because I did not have to do continuous time checks because the witching hour to return home was face approaching.
My friend Kelly stopped me yesterday and asked "Don't you miss your son?" and I honestly answered, without hesitation- no. She tried again with "Not even a little bit?" I conceded that of course I did (a little) but had to ask myself if this was indeed the truth. But I wonder if I was coerced into saying that because I felt remorse for not being homesick. I fully enjoyed my time away without guilt and no pangs of longing for my home life . But I have to wonder, am I normal? Are there other moms out there like me that can vacation, place their child in the hands of capable caregivers and simply live in the moment?
I'm not sure. I've read tweets and posts by women that feel guilty for leaving their child(ren) or worse, are like High Impact Mom and pressured by family members to stay home (I am so happy she made the trip!). This is totally foreign to me and perhaps it stems from my mom encouraging independence in me at an early age but my only bout with being "homesick" was when I was nine years old at sleep-away camp and that quickly passed. I am sure I am on the extreme end of the spectrum when it comes to such things but I am curious about how other women feel.
I can tell you that when I returned home late this evening I was slightly disturbed
