Trends in cosmetic surgery that I do NOT understand

You know, there was a time, not so long ago, when I thought that THE dumbest “cosmetic” procedure I had ever heard of was anal bleaching. Seriously, I don’t see how anything can make an anus pretty. Even if you bleach it light pink it is still an anus! An anus with sparkles and a unicorn tattoo is still a poop shoot … there is a built in limited appeal.

I tried to figure out why women would do this. I thought to myself, “Okay. If you were a porn star you would need this as a career move, but why would the average woman worry about the color of her anus? If you are banging a dude and he finds you less desirable because your anus is too dark then there is clearly something wrong with him and you should never have sex with him again. Ever.”

Do men even care about this sort of thing? “I would never have sex with Angelina Jolie because I bet her anus isn’t pale enough” said no guy in the history of the world.

However, I have now there is something even dumber to do to your body to make it “prettier”.Labiaplasty. Here are somebefore and after photos of this, and it is NOT safe for work. Apparently this operation, which mutilates your va-jay-jay, is growing ever more popular forteens. There are countries on the human rights watch because they do this to women, people.

WTF??

It’s freaking me right the hell out. Has it come to this? Are even women’s most private body parts subject for the beauty review? And who gets to decide what a “pretty” vuvla looks like anyway? They all look like larval forms of Cthulhu to me, but my husband spent hours looking at them on the internet when he was a lad. So isn’t it kind of subjective? You want your hootchie cut on because some people might find it prettier? Are they looking that closely in the Miss America pageant now?

Now I am hearing fake announcers in my head say, “They only gave Miss Arkansas an eight because she has a large labia and her asshole was a medium peach color, instead of the ideal seashell pink.”

If a man wants your vagina to look like a certain way, if he actually critiques the way your muff looks, it is a good sign you should hit him over the head with a shovel because he is an idiot whose entire experience with the  female body involves anime porn. He will not be a good lover. I promise. For one thing, if he is that close to your cooter and all he is doing is looking, he’s a loser.

I don’t think Sweet Babou could pick my privates out of a lineup, since whenever he’s that close to the Gates of Paradise he is busy. Moreover, he would never think to tell me my bandersnatch had too much labia because he knows not to talk with his mouth full. This is why I am happily married.

What’s next? The resurgence of foot binding? Wait! Turns out we already stuff our feet into modification devices thatdeform our muscles. They are called “high heels”. I have voluntarily submitted to those things myself. Yes, even The Fokker has tortured her feet, albeit briefly, in order to satisfy patriarchal norms.

But at least my vagina is safe.

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