by betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com

You've just discovered your husband has been having an affair. Welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join. Most women who've gone through betrayal agree that the first things to go are your appetite and your ability to sleep. And your ability to think straight. And sometimes your ability to recognize your neighbors.

You’ll cry. And when your body has exhausted itself from crying, you’ll lose entire days simply staring into space. You’ll spend nights staring at the ceiling. You’ll forget to eat. Or you’ll try and one bite will make you nauseous.

But your body and mind are trying to cope so this is no time to starve them of food and sleep. Easier said than done. I know. So just follow the simple instructions here:

1. Eat

 Choke down a banana. Nibble on an energy bar. Munch a piece of toast. Slurp a little soup. Even just a few bites of something will help. In a fit of efficiency, Nikki stocked up on protein shakes and forced herself to down one each at 7 a.m., 1 p.m. and 7 p.m. Perfect for the days she couldn’t drag herself to a grocery store.

If you have the energy and the mental capacity to follow directions and operate a blender, mix up a smoothie. Resist the urge to add rum. Alcohol is NOT your friend right now and will further impair your judgment, which will be compromised enough.

2. Sleep

I craved it, if only to forget – however briefly – that my formerly wonderful life had become a Jerry Springer episode. Then, when the horrible dreams started, I dreaded sleep. But the less sleep I got, the crazier I got. The more frequently I shook my husband awake at 3 a.m. to scream at him. The more likely I was to collapse on my bathroom floor sobbing into my dog’s neck and feeling more bereft than ever before in my life. The more likely I was to contemplate murder. Or suicide. Infidelity will make you crazy. Lack of sleep will make you crazier still.

I finally turned to melatonin, an over-the-counter sleep aid you’ll find in the vitamin section of your pharmacy. It’s a staple of shift-workers and flight attendants who can’t afford to lose shut-eye. Kathy, a registered nurse, relied on Gravol. It’s non-addictive, she says, but will still knock you out for a few hours.

If necessary, go to your doctor and get something that will help you get some rest in the short term. There’s no shame in asking for help.

3. Be wary

I hate to be the bearer of even worse news, but you need to get fully tested for STDs. Even if your husband swears he used a condom. Even if he swears the relationship wasn’t consummated. Unless you have irrefutable proof that the relationship was emotional only, you need to get tested. This guy – however much he still looks like the person who promised to love, honor and cherish – has been lying to you. Perhaps he still is. And his affair partner(s) is someone who has sex with married men. Her boundaries are clearly a wee bit fuzzy. Don’t take chances. Get tested. And don’t have unprotected sex with your spouse – or anyone else for that matter – until you’re sure you’re clean.

I know, yuck. I’m not sure I was ever at a lower point than the evening I spent in the STD clinic at my local health unit to be tested. There I sat, along with a number of 20-somethings who clearly made some bad choices, swallowing my rage at being put in such a humiliating spot. I got a clean bill of health.

Carly wasn’t so lucky. Not only was she saddled with a heap of pain, she was left with Chlamydia as a souvenir.

Cross your fingers, uncross your legs…and pray for the best.

4. Establish No Contact

If your husband wants you to even consider sticking around his cheating self, then he needs to establish NO CONTACT with his affair partner and that starts right NOW. No negotiation. He makes a phone call and follows it up with a letter. He must state unequivocally that the affair was wrong and that it’s over. He must make it clear that there is to be absolutely no contact going forward. Of course, there are going to be complications. My husband worked with his affair partner and it was messy (and expensive) to extricate her from our lives. I've heard of affairs with sisters, sisters-in-law, kids’ teachers, coaches, professors… So, let me add this: When possible, there must be NO CONTACT with the affair partner, especially by the offending (offensive!) party.

The catch is, you need to respect the No Contact agreement too. No drink-and-dial phone calls to tell her she’s a bitch (on some level, she knows). No nasty e-mails. No FaceBook postings designed to be inflammatory. No snarky remarks when you run into her at the PTA meeting. Your issue is not with her, but with your husband. He’s the one who made promises to you. Just hope the whole experience has been sufficiently painful for her to resolve to NEVER again get involved with a married man. Don’t count on it…but hope nonetheless.

I know it's hard to believe but the day will come when you will smile. And laugh. And enjoy life again. The light will return to your eyes. For now, take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Respect yourself. You've just learned one of life's tough lessons -- that, in the end, all you've really got is you. And that's enough.