When I decided to start blogging, I had been reading blog written by women who seemed to have it all together. They were buying houses, taking long vacations, and enjoying life as a stay at home mom or working mom.
I did my best to try to fit in. I wrote about taking the girls to Disney, which at the time seemed feesable. I wrote about finding the house of our dreams, which at the time seemed...almost do-able.
I was a sham
Since around March, I've desperately looked for work. We all know what this economy has done to the job market, and having been out of the workforce for 3 1/2 years, plus not having a degree, it's been impossible. I had a very promising interview, a job I would LOVE to have, and just got the email that they filled the position with someone else.
Sean's job is waning. Some weeks he gets 40 hours, some he only gets 20. Yeah, there are weeks when he gets 60+ hours, and the paycheck is great. However, it's usually the next week when he gets NO hours, and even though we were able to catch up with the last check, we're now behind. Again.
I thought we could do it. I thought I would be able to find a job fairly quickly. I thought his hours would continue to pick up. I thought we'd be able to do the things we had planned on doing this summer.
I thought wrong.
So... that's the truth. Let the panic attack begin!
What do we do? I'm still putting in applications and sending my resume as much as I can. Sean is still pushing for more hours at work and doing all he can there.
But it's not enough.
For months, maybe since he joined the Guard, he's asked me what I would say if he went active duty. You know, full time Army. I think he used to ask just to see my reaction. That changed last month.
As we were leaving his National Guard picnic in mid-July he asked again. And this time, instead of saying "hey, do whatever makes you happy", I told him to go for it. That was pretty much the end of the conversation, as the screams to hit Friendly's on the way home got in the way of any civil conversation we could have that didn't involve the words "ice cream" or "sundae".
This week, after him sitting home DAYS because of "no work", we talked about it again. His major concern was that my family would be upset because he would be pulling the girls away from them.
After a long email conversation with my sister (who somehow knows exactly what I need to hear, not necessarily what I WANT to hear, but what I need to hear) he and I sat down and had a long talk. I let him know that my famiy would completely understand him (actually, US) doing what needs to be done to support our family.
Now, we wait. He's in the process of contacting who needs to be contacted, and doing what needs to be done. It's not a done deal, and if something else comes along (new jobs) and nothing has been signed, he may chance his mind. Hell, he may change his mind anyway.
I just feel like I need to come clean. I don't want this to be all self-depricating and pithy. I don't want pity or pats on the back. I DO want you all to know who I really am.
A stay at home mom.
A woman who suffers from depression.
A woman who has panic attacks, especially recently.
A woman who is afraid of what will happen should I not find a job soon.
A woman who is just like you; someone who just wants to know that her family will be OKAY.
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