This post was originally published at www.mindogandmetch.com on July 20, 2011.
When he said it I started crying.
I didn't know why. After the tears came anger and then hurt and then more tears and then I called my mom.
Before I called her I relived the key moments of our life together as friends.
Meeting in the guidance counselors office. Becoming friends. Him wanting more. Growling on the phone. Me saying no. Him playing football. Me a cheerleader. Me and his family. Him and my family. The dramas. College. Him picking me up every time. EVERY TIME, without fail. Me saying yes. Law school. Fail one at grad school auditions. Fail two. Finally getting in. Rewriting papers. Falling in love. Being together. Living together. Loving. Planning for the future. Graduations. The breakup. The fights. The yelling. The not talking. The mistakes. The undeniable connection. The forgiving. Resuming the friendship. Moving forward...
I relived and then I called my mom. She asked me, "Are you still in love with him?" "No," I said without even thinking about it. "That's not it ma. I really can't explain it at all. I wish that was it, because then I would understand. I'm so happy that it's happening for him but why am I crying? And the tears aren't happy tears. And I am hurting in a strange way and I'm angry with him. WHAT THE WHAT???"
Then I realized that I was panicking. Panic mode means tears and anger.
Panicking because I thought this would officially be the end of our friendship and that scared me.
My mom told me I was jealous. She's good. That's the truth right there. I'm jealous and that's what all these tears and anger and hurt amount to- JEALOUSY.
I am jealous because someone else will soon occupy my space.
I have always loved knowing that if I called TheEx would definitely come running. No matter what, no questions asked. Now I can't ask for that because it wouldn't be fair and it wouldn't be right. Not only am I jealous, I am also mourning the loss of that place. That space that I occupied. The one where I was the only person, besides his family members, that he would drop everything for. Other women, other people have never mattered...
But now? The new bundle of joy to come already occupies that space and he or she should.
When I was reliving the key moments of our friendship I realized how much rescuing there was. On both of our parts but I was mainly thinking about how many times he rescued me.
The best rescue was when he let me go, the breakup. It hurts to say that and it hurts to write this and it hurt when I called him a moment ago and came clean.
As I cried I said, "I'm jealous of your baby...I feel ridiculous for feeling this way...more ridiculous saying it out loud...and we never have to talk about this again." As always he listened to my selfish, insane, stupidity but this time instead of being the logical curt voice of reason during my emotional tirade he simply said, "It's all right. It will all be alright." To that I said, "thank you."
My dear friend, I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I really am. I can't wait to meet your son or daughter. I know you know... but I had to write it out...you know the whole living out front thing. You are perfect. I love you, I love our friendship. Today I learned that the beauty of our friendship lies in our/my ability to allow change.
The funny in it: If someone would have told me that tears and a weird sort of pain would be my reaction to this news I would have laughed in their face. When I told my closest girlfriends TheEx is having a baby, they all asked, "Are you alright?" How did they know to ask that? TheEx even said, "I knew you would have some sort of huge reaction." These people know me better than I know myself I suppose.
I'm learning, I am learning, I'm always learning and I'm happy to be taught...
*TRUTH PHOTO FROM GOOGLE IMAGES