The truth about Postpartum (part 2)
By Lil Noodle Blog on January 23, 2012
You can find the Part 1 of this story HERE
The hubs and the lil lady became BFF and it was such a joy to watch them bond, but my heart was breaking over the loss of the relationship I had with my lil lady.
I made the decision to transition to formula after 3 months so that I could slowly get back into the routine of balancing being mommy and work. I was NOT ready to go back to work. In fact, I would still cry randomly and felt completely out of control.
But I had to go back, so I went...still a mess...still in another world...and still unhappy.
I went along in my day to day acting like everything was ok and things were getting better, but inside I felt like I was screaming to get out of my own skin.
I had several people reach out and ask why I distanced myself, why I never responded to emails, phone calls or texts...but I never responded.
I was embarrassed and ashamed.
How did I become one of those weak women???
I didn’t want to let anyone in my world
After about 6 months I was not improving. In fact, my usually mild anxiety was stronger, more intense and in full effect. I was now being controlled by my anxiety and depression.
Flash forward to July 2011, the lil man is almost 10 months old and things are more manageable. We have a routine set in place. We were adjusted and settled.
Yet, I was still in the same dark place.
The hubs and I were heading up north to a good friends wedding on the weekend of 4th of July
And this is where I am extremely Grateful I married my best friend.
It was this weekend where he took my hand in the car and looked me in the eye and said
“I think you need to see someone. You are not getting any better.”
A huge sigh of relief overtook my body.
He was concerned. He recognized I hadn’t been myself for 10 LONG months. He knew I was struggling and he cared enough to tell me.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to tell someone you love those words.
When we came back home, I scheduled an appointment to see someone.
Since I knew I was going to be a basket case, I decided to have the Hubs write down what he witnessed during my “episodes” and to document my behavior.
When I got to the dr office I was crying and a huge mess
Admitting defeat is not an easy thing to do.
I handed her the letter from the Hubs, sat on the paper table and continued to cry.
She said this was common and most definitely associated with my hormones as a result of the birth. As much as this eased my brain, I still wanted it fixed.
She prescribed medication.
The hubs and I are usually against using meds for various reasons, but we both recognized that this was necessary for the interim.
I was able to relax. To take a step back. To enjoy the small moments with kiddos. To gain control of myself and my emotions. And to be the mom I was and desperately wanted to be.
Although I am still a work in progress I can honestly say that I am finally feeling like myself.
I stopped taking the medication.
I am happy and I am so incredibly in love with my kiddos and my hubs.
This is experience was TOUGH. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. It hit like a ton of bricks. And now it makes perfect sense. This is a serious issue and tons of women experience postpartum. This is not something made up and its definitely NOT for weak women. This is just something uncontrollable that happens.
So this is my apology to those that were affected by my behavior in 2011. I am sorry for ignoring the calls, texts and emails. I am sorry for always having an excuse to not show up to an event. I am sorry I was quick to snap. I am sorry I was not very social. I am sorry if I made you feel like you did something wrong because chances are you didn't. I am sorry for the person I became.
I thank you for sticking by me. I thank you for checking in on me. I thank you for continuing to invite me out and about. I thank you for caring. I thank you for understanding. I thank you for having patience. I thank you for accepting ALL of me. I thank you for all the love you possess.
And thank you for being YOU.
I decided to write this to give anyone going through this hope and support. I wanted other moms to know that this is something that just happens and you are not alone. If you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on or any advice, I am here.
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