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The verdict?
PMS.
Like last month, as soon as I took a pregnancy test, my period decided to show up. Of course, it was negative, but that doesn't change the fact that I was disappointed and sad because my expected due date was only in my head and there would be no baby on the way for 2009. My hopes are for 2010...2011? Um. Maybe even 2015? I have no idea when my boyfriend and I will conceive. At this point, I am doubting my own abilities to be a potential mother to some precious spirit anyway.
When the going gets tough...tough starts doubting herself.
I've always done this. Don't know why. Could be that things that I thought I truly wanted never came easily to me. I wanted a boyfriend; took me 31 years to finally get one. He's not the romantic soul straight out of the pages of one of my romance novels, but he's loveable and we match. I wanted my own place; took me two years out of college to actually get a full-time job in order to afford such a feat...only to have tragedy strike and gaining a roommate for the next three years. I wanted to be slim; I starved myself skinny in college and almost developed an eating disorder that would NOT let me go in its intensity.
Yea. I could go on and on whining about how hard my life has been, but really...it hasn't been. I've survived it all and at this point, I'm pretty ok with my life for the most part. The toughest times are when I start thinking about my hopes and dreams and what I really want out of life. I can't seem to attain it. Sometimes I'm not even sure what that is. Although one thing is constant in my mind as to what I want in my life: financial success.
I'm not talking Oprah wealth. I'm talking nice savings, retirement plan, vacations every year, comfy living situation and lifestyle kind of wealth. The kind where I can have babies and not worry about buying a pack of pampers causing me have to finaggle a way to pay my light bill.
I'm almost there. There's no guarantee in life. I get this, but I'm so at a crossroads and it's driving me crazy.
I have an MBA I have no clue what to do with. That's just plain, old insane. Is it the economy or is it me? No clue. Just finished the program in December of 2008. It's now April of 2009 and nothing has jumped off for me in the career department. I'm grateful and blessed to have a job at this time...however, I'd hoped to be further along. Especially, since student loan repayments are breathing down my neck. Paying these off will be a lifetime thing and I'm not looking forward to that part of my life at all...
However, would I trade it all in for my degrees and the experiences I've had while attaining them? Hmmm. Ask me again in five years. My answer at that time will depend on my circumstances.
So, my boyfriend and I didn't conceive this month. I'm sad, but glad all at the same time. Don't know what to do with these feelings, but in the back of my mind I'm wondering should I go back to the safety of The Pill? I mean, what if I DO make a terrible mother? What if my boyfriend makes a terrible dad? What am I thinking to bring a life into this world to take care of?
Wow. The mind is a powerful thing. If I'd concieved this month..I'm sure I'd be happy...AND scared. Oh well. There's always the next month.
Vow: I won't be buying another pregnancy test for over 5 bucks. I will wait things out and test with a kit from the dollar store. I can't just keep wasting money on Big Fat Negatives. It's too heartbreaking.
