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I'm in the week AF's due. I've been cramping, bloated, sick-to-my-tummy and cranky for going on two-and-a-half weeks now and I'm just sick of myself. My mind's running away with thoughts of babies and maxipads and I don't know if I'm coming or going most of the time because all I wanna do is take a nap.
HA!! Well, at least nothing much has changed in the nappy-time department...
It's getting harder every day helping to take care of my mama. Her bodily fuctions control my dad's life and by proxy, mine too. We spend countless hours discussing the best way to get her "regular" as painfree and easily as possible and how to help her ease the pain of her very frequent headaches. Adjusting her comfortably in the bed takes lots of effort and pillows...only for her to indicate to us within minutes of settling her that she has to get on the bed pan. Then, it's back to removing the pillows and coverings, turning her over and strategically placing the bedpan for her to do what she "has to". Most of the time, due to her difficulties in digestion, it's not enough to make us feel better about HER relief, but it's enough to warrant a clean-up effort to prevent bed sores and discomfort for her...
Yes, this is my dad's life and mine when I go over to help them out.
There is no relief in sight. No breaks. No chance to regroup and come together.
No. It's all about making sure Mama is as comfortable as we can possibly make her during these trying times. What gets me is that this is not a time of recovery. It's a time of deterioration. Frustration does not even BEGIN to describe the feeling I get when I see my mom silently crying and unable to move even her fingers on her right hand to push her call button...
And I want to have a baby during this time in my family's life? I wish there was someone I could talk to in order to guide me and tell me what I want to hear...
What do I want to hear? I want to hear that things will be ok. My mama will not suffer for long. My family will recover from this tragedy and my dad will suffer no ill effects of this phase in his life. I want to hear that I will be a good mom...and that the decisions I am making in my life are good ones for not only me, but the family I would love to be a part of someday. I want to hear that my sister and my boyfriend will one day get along. I want to hear that my boyfriend will one day forgive his mom and they will at least be able to get along also...
Perhaps I'm asking too much. As I sit here at my desk at work, my upper legs and lower back are aching. My eyes are droopy and tired...I want a nap really badly. I have to pee (lol) and I don't feel like even walking to the restroom to take care of the urge. Good grief...who is too LAZY to go to the bathroom??? <bashfully raises hand>
Anyway...I don't know what my body is tellilng me. I have a fantasy that it's telling me that soon enough there will be a little person in our lives who will one day happily call me "Mama". However, it could be the indications that AF's coming to take that hope away...
Well, I won't complain too much about that. Making the potential kid is just as much fun as mentally planning his/her nursery. lol
Ok. I have to get back to work. Only time will tell, but at this very moment, my hopes are waffling between hopeful and resigned to my life...
Especially since I will probably have to take a day off from work (I have precious few vacation/sick days for the entire year) to take Mama to her doctors' appointments on Friday. Yes, there is a frustration point to those appointments and it has very little to do with helping my Mama and more to do with my older sister. She's a special case. However, because of my parents' dependence on her, I can't avoid her...
I'll tell THAT story one day. Not today. I have to go potty. Amazing how the bladder can override any sense of laziness, hmmmm?
