Tuesday Night - Weary and Discouraged but Determined

Today was busy.  I took care of a 22 month old from the moment he woke up until he went to sleep.  He was wonderful - and gave me moments of sheer joy with his big hugs, smiles, and excitement for life.  Of course, he also kept me running around.  I still managed to get some of the backlog of housework started.  I finaly brought the dirty dishes out of the RV to get them washed, I mailed a letter for Jim that was sitting around for a week, I brought in the rain soaked blankets that we used to cover the tomatoes before they frosted and got them washed.  I made a healthy beef and vegtable soup for dinner.  I also took Jim and the baby to two doctor appointments and waited for some lab work.  

I should be feeling pretty good tonight - but I'm not.  Jim's anger over all the things I have not done was boiling over tonight.  He focused mostly on the dog because I haven't gotten her for a run.  Well really it doesn't matter what he focused on - mostly I am feeling discouraged just as I was starting to get a tiny bit of energy.  I feel resentful for all the time I spend waiting on him, serving his food, ect.  It is as if he doesn't see it.  Today I basically gave my day to my family and I felt okay about that, but I lost my balance at his anger and judgement of me.  

I choose, right now, not to use his behavior as an excuse to slip backwards into negative thought patterns and behaviors of my own.  I deserve to take care of myself, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my body and my mind.  I cannot make Jim well or happy - but I can and will work towards my own wellness and happiness.  Tonight I will get up from the computer, I will finish the work that I wanted to complete, I will take my medicines, and I will go to sleep.  I am a good person, doing the best I can - not doing everything - but I am continuing to try to be a healthier, happier, more compassionate person - who cradles her own broken self with the same kindness, gentleness, understanding and love that I give to others.

Tomorrow I will exercise, get the RV in to be serviced, and spend some time at the studio.



In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.

Recent Posts by Maggie_at_50