“Turn Baby Turn” - Lessons Learned from Being Supported in a REAL Way

 

My
youngest daughter rolled over for the first time when she was 3 1/2
months old.  Her two older siblings were very excited about their baby
sister’s new accomplishment and cheered her on at each turn.  As most
babies, however, once she turned from her back onto her stomach, she
had a difficult time turning from her stomach onto her back.  She
squirmed and struggled and often ended up crying if someone had not
come in to turn her over.

One day when my older children were in school, a few weeks after the
baby had first turned over, I saw the baby struggling while lying on
her stomach, but then finally turn back over all on her own.  Wow, I
was amazed.  I picked her up and celebrated with her by doing a dance.

Later in the week when my older children came home from school one
day, I put my baby daughter on the floor to play and she, of course,
rolled right onto her stomach.  The baby stayed on her stomach for a
few minutes before becoming frustrated and my other daughter began to
run in to turn her over.   I stopped my daughter midway and told her
not to jump in and “rescue” the baby.  I told her that I saw that the
baby was able to turn back over all on her own and that if we ran in to
turn her over, she may get discouraged from trying to turn over by
herself.  Instead of running in to rescue her, I invited the kids to
show the baby support by encouraging the baby and cheering her on along
with me.

Together the three of us chanted, “You can do it!  Go baby go!  Turn baby turn!”

The baby struggled, and was definitely frustrated.   She tugged and
pulled and pushed and was working hard!  And then…she turned!!

“Woohoo!” we all shouted together.  The baby had the biggest smile
on her face.  She was so proud of herself.  All her hard work payed off.

I remember thinking at the time that it would have been easy for me
or for any of the other kids to just turn her over.  It was, after all,
difficult to watch her struggle and get frustrated.  But I also knew
that she was able to physically do it on her own.  So instead of
choosing to rescue her, I chose to show her how much I believed in
her.  It was not easy for her, nor was it easy for me to see her
struggle in that way; but in the moment I felt that it was the best way
for me to support her and help her learn a valuable lesson about
herself.

Thinking about this later on that same day - choosing to support my
young daughter rather than to “rescue” her - reminded me of the time
when I was an older teenager and was struggling with a tough decision.

I was at a luncheon at my local synagogue where I was sitting with
my family.  One of the waiters at the luncheon knew a friend of mine
from school and struck up a conversation with me.  We chatted a bit and
of course it was awkward because my parents were there and I thought he
was kind of cute and all.  Long story short - he asked for my number
and I gave it to him; although I do remember wondering why.  I didn’t really
know him, after all.  I guess I felt safe because I met him while my
parents were around.  I felt a little funny, but did wonder whether or
not he would call me.

He did.  That very night.  To invite me to a party.  And it was then that the struggle began.

Should I go with him?  I did not know him very well at all.  I knew
his cousin, but was not great friends with her.  He seemed like a nice
Jewish boy.  He was pretty cute.  But I did not know him.

I asked him to call me back in a half an hour.

I knocked on my mother’s bedroom door and asked her what she thought I should do.  I was so taken aback by her response:

“I don’t know, but I am sure you will make the right decision.”

What?!!  Was she kidding?  How could she leave me stranded like
that?  I was totally expecting her to bail me out, tell me what to do,
save me from having to decide (which has always been a struggle of
mine.)  And yet no matter how hard I tried to get her to tell me what
to do, she kept her mouth shut.  I was so mad at her.  It drove me
crazy.

But I had no time to waste.  He was going to call back in a few
minutes.  I was too embarrassed to call any of my friends.  (Which was
also a bit strange of me, I have to admit.)  I had to make my own
decision, and fast.

I thought about it and weighed all the pros and cons of the
situation.  Went back to the cute thing a few times, and in the end
went with my own gut and intuition.

He called back and asked me what I had decided.  I told him that I
was flattered he had asked me to join him, but that I would have to
decline.

Saying no to him felt like the right thing to do; it felt like the
right choice.  I was so relieved to have finally made a decision and
went over to knock on my mom’s bedroom door again.

“I told him no.”

“I knew you would make the right decision.”

“Really? Why couldn’t you just have told me that?!”

“Because I felt that you had to do it on your own.”

“Were you nervous that I was going to go with him?’

“Very.”

“Then why didn’t you just tell me what to do?!!”

“Because I knew it was something you had to do on your own.”

I remember being so angry and frustrated with my mom that night. She
clearly saw how difficult that decision was for me to make, and yet she
would not “help” me.

But that night my mother gave me a gift. Struggling and then finally
coming to a decision I felt right about all on my own, was a tremendous
and everlasting learning experience.

I learned that my mother trusted me to make my own decisions. She
thought that I was responsible, that I had a good head on my shoulders
and that I can figure things out all on my own.

I learned that I could trust myself; that I can make the right choices; and that I can do it all on my own.

I was filled with confidence that night; in myself and in my relationship with my mom.

How about you?

How do you feel when someone supports you in a REAL way - without telling you what to do or “rescuing” you from your situation?

How do you show someone that you support them?

This week, take a few minutes to think about how you like to be supported.

Think about how you show others support.

(Do you jump in to tell them what you think they should do?
Do you listen to understand their situation from their point of view?
Do you answer with a story about how you were once in the same exact
situation and this is the way you solved it?)

The next time someone is asking you for advice or help, think of a
way that you can be supportive without jumping in to tell that person
what you think they should do.

Think of a way that you can show them that you support them without
trying to rescue them or solve their problem for them (even when you know that you are right!)

(And then do it.)

I would love to hear what you learned.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Get REAL™:

Respect yourself; find

Encouragement within;

Appreciate your unique gifts and strengths;

Love yourself…unconditionally.

www.getreal-coaching.com

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