Twenty-One Greeting Cards I’ve Written in My Head

  • It’s okay. Don’t feel bad. That sweater looked horrible on you anyways.
  • Your cat doesn’t love you as much as you think he does. Haha, I’m just kidding. Keep dressing him up in clothes. He likes that.
  • You woke up today. High five!
  • So you failed math. You’ll probably end up working for your parents or at least sleeping on their couch anyways. Probably both...Happy Valentine’s Day!
  • Congrats on getting your period! Are you in for a wild ride!
  • I’m not sure I liked your tone the last time we talked. I would like my waffle iron back.
  • Dear Mom, shorts really aren’t your thing.
  • Thank you for spending seventy-five minutes showing me your model train collection in your basement. I liked the sound the bells made. I also like how you refuse to upgrade the single light bulb hanging down from the ceiling. Keeping it real.
  • I’m not sure I liked your tone in the coffee shop. I want that stick of gum back.
  • You cut your hair. Neat.
  • Your lower back tattoo is no cause for my concern. I’ve learned that now, and I’m sorry.
  • Congrats on getting married! Hope you like the Skecher Shape Ups I sent!
  • Another baby. Well, if you’re okay with that then I guess I am, too.
  • I’m sorry I said your baby looked like a shrunken version of Alf. I seriously meant it as a compliment.
  • Happy birthday! I hope you like figs!
  • Happy anniversary. If things go south, my offer still stands.
  • Hope you enjoy your new house! I left a basket full of kittens on the back porch. You
  • should probably go check on them.
  • Ah, graduation. I’ll just sit here on your parents' couch and wait four years for your return.
  • Glad you enjoyed your bachelor party! Sorry about the cream cheese incident!
  • Happy Mother’s Day! Here’s a mop.
  • Thank you for mending my pants. I’m not even sure how that donkey got into my Taurus.

*Let it be known that #7 wasn’t written to my own mother. She has fantastic legs that I've been fortunate enough to inherit. Now hand me that tub of butter so I can grease on these jeans.

If you wrote a greeting card what would it say?

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