Two Children Bullied to Death--Sacrifices to Our Homophobia

As the mother of two gay sons, now grown, I have to say I don’t know if they were ever bullied for that, I plan to discuss this with them and find out.  I do know they were ridiculed for being smart among other unfashionable traits.  As a mom, I wanted them to see their strengths rather than protect them because they were weak.  I think this is the major disconnect between old school parents and people raising kids today.  Nordette, the phrase you used, “…old school ugly with new school savagery,” really sums it up.  Our children have been desensitized by electronic baby sitters while mom and dad worked to afford more cool toys.   

When my oldest came to me saying that he was being ridiculed for being smart and questioning if his intellect was a good thing, I explained that the bully was only doing it to make himself feel better about being dumb.  He got a real kick out of that.  I added that one day the bully would sit across a big desk for him hoping to get hired and then who would have the true power?  When it came to fighting, I did tell them never to start a fight.  My ex, God bless him, said, “But if they start it, you damn well better finish.”  I agreed with his philosophy.   

This isn’t about being gay; it’s about having some home training.  Mom and/or dad must teach their children how to behave.  This is parental duty 101.  Children who have been sheltered from any negativity or protected from their own emotions do not survive intense bullying as these two poor young souls have proven.  In fact, without learning to deal with unpleasantness leaves them ill-equipped for life in general.  Parents who swoop in to rescue and champion their children must do so with great care because the intervention could increase the ridicule and decrease the learning curve.  Children who have never been reprimanded for bad behavior, or worse, have had parents who set the standard of bad behavior for them never learn to treat others with respect.  Parents who ignore it when they are two-year-olds because it’s cute often end up wondering where they went wrong when the kid is mutilating small animals with the weed whacker when they are fourteen.  Look in the mirror, honey.  There’s your answer.

Iva

No Retreat -- No Surrender!

and kids do toss around terms simply because they parrot, yet do not understand. In this case, in this age, I've a feeling they know at 11, but even if they did not or do not, they drew upon attitudes passed along by adults.

When I was a kid, the operative word was queer. Goddess knows one did not wish to be called out as queer - now I celebrate and embrace the word; damn right I'm queer!

For me, that embracing was a piece in ultimately pulling myself out of a hellhole to begin rebuilding my life.

What does that say about what we've taught the next generation?

Think of all the harm that is passed along this way... this is just one issue of so many. We pass these tired and ridiculous attitudes from generation to generation, creating societal fault lines, creating friction, and sometimes things so very much worse. We didand do this with race, with nationality, with ancestry, with religion, with our sexuality, with gender, etc. This morning I saw a story where a photographer photographed Carla Bruni's butt you can see the pic here. ( http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.html?id=154... )

Yet a good example of perpetuating a rather shallow view (pun maybe intended) of women.

When I see kids do stuff like this, fairly or unfairly, I start wondering what it is they hear in the home. I understand that these attitudes can come from peers (via someone's parants) and so it starts with us.

What is sad is that those who most need to hear and consider the discussions on this, probably do not go anywhere near where they take place.  

llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

The "So much to say response" was written in response to your comment. :-)

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

That he may nor may not have been gay...well no one gave him a chance to grow up and figure it out.

Thank you, Nelle. 

The thing is it may not have even been about sexual-orientation, but that children have taken the word "gay" and extrapolated from society's negative attitudes about homosexuality that "gay" means anything weird, bad, lame, gross, or too-effed up to bother understanding.  What does that say about what we've taught the next generation?

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

Unfortuantely, we can't escape nutcakes. :-)

Thank you for honoring the Day of Silence, PPR, with your post about Carl.

We've got so much work to do, to riff off the Isleys.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

I think it can, but as you suggest there are forms of mental illness that make some people unable to absorb lessons about empathy.

However, narcissism is a personality disorder and frequently asocial behavior is an indication of personality disorder also.  Nurture rather than nature can have a strong influence on the extent to which people manifest narcissistic and asocial behaviors, which for some people is part of natural-born temperament. 

If only all parents were born with an inner parenting manual, perhaps how to properly nurture a child would never be an issue.  It's a social problem that we may never be able to address without interfering more with parenting choices. Very sticky and not something I'd want to be my problem to solve for society at large. :-)

And yes, the belief that downing others lifts us up is at the root of much of this madness.

Thank you, Jill.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

this is a subject that hits way too close to home for me.

I watched as Carl's mom - within days of his death - bravely faced local media and challenged society over what was her worst nightmare. I was sickened, stunned, and outraged. 11 flipping years old, though would it be any less tragic at 15 or 18? Not for me, no.

That he may nor may not have been gay...well no one gave him a chance to grow up and figure it out. I've got 54 years in already, somehow I slid through, but damn I was scared a whole lot of the way. More than that, I had no self-esteem a whole lot of the way.

These children saw their action as their only viable way out of what weighed heavy upon them. Death... as a viable option, as protection, against society, one that should nurture and not destroy our young. Wow.

In a time where great strides are made - we could have 8 or 9 states with same sex marriage law if things go well, on an individual level things change slower, and it hits hardest at those least prepared to deal with what comes their way.

I've dealt with 15, 16, 17 year old women who are tossed from their homes by homophobic parents. Yeah, living on the streest seems a better way to protect and guide your child than letting them be who they naturally are. Makes sense to me. Not.

I've dealt with young women who deal with bullying; one notable one forever in my memory, a student in Brighton UK that over time got to lose the anger and start thinking positively. I often wonder about how she is now.

I've dealt with a couple of young women who had one or both parents in ministerships; aye ye ye, talk about generating conflict within someone, I felt so badly for them, and that conflict could be a lifelong issue.

For these kids, and by the way, I was shocked when someone sent me the Atlanta story a while back, I just could not believe we lost two inside of a month. A lifelong issue, a life taking issue.

I never, ever wish to see children or anyone face the shit I've faced, or suffer through any of this crap, and it pushes me forward.

The attitudes that are regurgitated at the kids in school are ingested and digested from adults - parents, parents of others, name it. All in the glorious name of ignorance and its partner, insecurity.

How many people watch what they say at home? How many people take the time to learn and grow if they embrace such ignorance? How many people will look at this story and recognise the part they played in perpetuating these attitudes over time? How many of them will take a big step and change?

I wonder, but it probably isn't very many. 'Sad that child died, and oh, please pass the rice.' 

:( 

llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

Thank you, Spin Diva.  I agree with what you say here, but I wondered about our tendency to say bullies pick on the "weaker" children.

I think bullies pick on children they perceive to be physically smaller and weaker or softer because they like easy marks to make themselves feel bigger than they are, but I think adults should avoid labeling the victims of bullies as "weaker" because often these children while they may sometimes be physically weaker may be stronger than the bullies in many other ways.

Also if we think of the concept of the "honorable warrior," to pick on those we think are weaker would mean that we were ourselves weak.

In addition, we have children whose parents have taught them to not fight period. When they try to obey are they weaker.  And children who are taught martial arts or boxing are told also to not fight, but if they were to challenge the avearge bully, they would probably kick the his/her a** six ways to Sunday.

That brings me to an episode of ABC's new show Cupid ( http://abc.go.com/primetime/cupid/index?pn=recap#t... ) and perceptions of weakness. The show was about a gay teenager, whose mother did not know he was gay, being taught to box.  The coach was the child's father (sperm donor storyline) but didn't know it . The teen confided to him his sexual orientation and that he was being bullied at school.  He did not tell his mother, however, who was portrayed as ultra liberal and a person who did not believe in physical violence ever under any circumstance.

The coach/dad basically told the teen he needed to kick the bully's behind once or twice and that would be the end of that. Turned out the coach was right.

Of course, that's black and white simplification of what can sometimes be a complicated problem.

I was raised to not fight, and yet the day a bully beat the hell out of me, my mother, who I found out later had been taught to box by her uncle and father when she was bullied as a child, told me the next time I let someone beat me up like that she'd kill me. LOL. Unfortuantely, she didn't teach me how to box or get me any self-defense lessons. (Family story is after she learned how to box, maybe two years later at age 9, a neighborhood boy was picking on her yournger sister who had a broken spine and was in a whelel chair.  The boy was 14 and bigger and my mom knocked him down with one punch. After that, nobody bothered her or her siblings, who, btw, were all better known for being brainy, including her.)

Nevertheless, my ex-husband and I taught our son, who grew up bigger than the average kids in height and weight, not to fight or hit.  When he was 6, he came inside from playing with a neighborhood kid who was much smaller than him but the same age.  Tears streamed down his face and he was gasping for breath, holding his neck.  The other kid had karate-kicked him in the neck, and this was not the first time this child, terror of the street, had become physically aggressive.

I spoke sternly to my son and said, "I know we've told you don't fight, and I still don't want you to hit anyone, but you're bigger than most of the kids on this street your age.  If so-and-so charges you or tries to hurt you again, I want you to grab him, pick him up, and move him to a new spot on the street and tell him that if he ever hits or kicks you again, next time you won't be so nice to him."

The boy did try again, and my son reached out and held him back like the comic scene of the tall guy keeping the short fighter who's swinging his arms at air away from him.  That put an end to that. 

But I also taught my kid how to walk with confidence and eventually he got a few Karate lessons of his own. Four years later a bully at summer camp put his hand on him and without thinking my son blocked his arm away and flicked him on the shoulder or something, Karate move, without hurting the other kid (YAY for katas). The kid didn't do it again.

Words were something else. He's never wanted to hurl insults, but he has learned how to rattle off a quip that leaves the other person mute and others laughing.

The thing of it is, my child went to relatively safe schools where the bullies were kind of old-fashioned, traditional bullies.  I don't know what I would have told him if he had been in a tougher school where bullies escalate and meet you after school with a gun or a knife.

That's why we've got to move beyond telling our children to buck up or not be so sensitive.  It's time to address head on the attitudes that make some children think it's okay to bully and for the larger group to ridicule the individual who's different. 

For male culture, this idea that to be tough  and hard is to be strong, probably sends more men to shrinks than we know, which is why I linked to Craig Washington's opinion piece ( http://theatlantavoice.com/AV_opinions.htm ) at the end of the post.

Thank you again for your comments. We do need to teach our children a better way. 

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

Nordette, when I heard of this second case I just wanted to scream. These are children! If two of our nation's children had died of H1N1 within such a short period of time we'd be ready to declare a national health crisis. Then (and I'm sorry, but I cannot now find the link) I hear of another case of an Asian boy who fought back after racial/ethnic bullying and--you guessed it--he gets in trouble for breaking the bully's nose.

Then you have this nut stand up in the legislature and call the SHephard murder a "hoax"...Really, I am about ready for my weekly internet break and it isn't even the weekend yet.

 ~~

This So-Called, Post-Post-Racial Life

http://postpostracial.wordpress.com/

I had so much to say in response to your comment that I posted on it at my blog here ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com/2009/04/selective-hear... ).

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

I used to be a high school teacher and I sponsored our school's GSA.  We had different events through the year to promote tolerance, acceptance, and safety for ALL students.  I was lucky; my school was small and the majority of other teachers were supportive.  I did, however, have teachers speak out (as they proudly asserted it was their right to do) TO STUDENTS against any activities that even mentioned LGTBQ issues.  They argued that students who believe homosexuality is wrong are somehow being oppressed by challenging hate speech.

To them, I said, "Bitch please".

If you are a school teacher, public or otherwise, every single student you work with has the basic right to feel safe and protected by adults at the school.  Period.  Condemning LGTBQ kids for being who they are or supporting the bullies that persecute them means you are failing at a fundamental part of your job.  You have the right to believe whatever you want, but it is your job to care for, nurture, and teach ALL students. And that means addressing homophobic behavior so that kids don't feel so hopelessly alone that they result to this. 

My husband, who did the same thing at a large, suburban, conservative school, had to fight all the way to the school board to get approval for a GSA, and he did it at the threat of losing his job.  Because he had a lesbian student whose own mother forbid her to join the "AIDS club".  Because he had male students who weren't out, but were pigeonholed as gay and mercilessly bullied because of it.  I cannot begin to tell you how important GSAs are for GLTBQ students.  To desperately want and need just one space at home or school where they can feel safe and supported by adults and peers is vital to kids.  I can't help but think if these kids had that, they may have been able to make it.

Stopping now because otherwise I'll cry...

You bring up good points, Wilma. It's hard for children and we know this because even some adults fear being ousted from the pack more than they value kindness and compassion.

Beautiful words. Thank you.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

They argued that students who believe homosexuality is wrong are somehow being oppressed by challenging hate speech.

I'll bet they heard that at home.

These story are worthy of tears.

Thank you, K. 

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

While waiting for the doctor once with my daughter, who was about 30 months at the time, another child around the same age slapped her in the face hard as they played on the floor.  I went and got my daughter was surprised that the other mother, who saw it, did not address with her child at all that slapping is inappropriate.

As for grown-up bullies, Japan, I've read, has problems in offices with bullying.  I'm sure America has some issues too.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ): BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner ( http://nola101.com ). Blogs @ WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ) & UMBOP ( http://urbanpsalms.blogspot.com ).

SThis is so sad.  I don't say that the bullies parents are to blame, but I have seen parent's ignore their child hitting or cursing another child.  A friend told me that the thing is parent's like that think their child has one up on that kid.  Sad to say but that does exist.

I've seen grown-ups bully other grown ups.  We need teachers and parents and their are some to teach children not to bully and to work with them.  That kind of behavior should never be rewarded.

I often wonder reading about bullies, would I have dared to stand up to a bully when they are bullying somebody else? Bullying is everywhere and exists on fear the bully feels, the bullied feels and the onlookers feel.
Would I be fearless enought to stand up, and would that make others fearless and protect the bullied and take the power away from the bully?
Would I be fearless enought to know that when I am who I am, I might not belong and do it anyway and be like who I am?

If only we could become strong in being who we are and shrug at the labels, and belonging is no longer something we die for. 
If only I can become who I am and as we are all one I make ripples tow ards everybody.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com ( http://www.wilmasblog.com/ )

These are the right questions and we should never stop asking and pushing for not just answers but solutions:

"...why is it that the bullies rarely get the lectures or sent to therapy?
Why is it that bullies rarely are made to endure the corrections they
deserve for making words bullets?"

Sadly, people who are bullies are also often people w/mental health complexes that are the most immune from treatment or alteration.  Their narcissism mixed w/intense insecurity often makes them the least likely people who can change.  However, early intervention in conjunction w/parents who do not believe in or condone bullying of any type can help.

That there are so many sub-genres of teasing and bullying is ill, but there are.  Still, they have multiple things in common: putting someone else down in order to make the one doing the putting down feel like he or she is up just a little bit higher.

As adults, we absolutely positively without question need to teach our kids, any kids that you do not become a bigger or better person by belittling someone else.  IMO, that is the root of much of this.  And that we're not giving, offering or promoting healthier, acceptable ways to feel good about yourself and instead take the easy roads by saying everyone bullies or gets bullied, or people have to toughen up just goes to show how incredibly hard people find it to confront how awful bullying - as a way of communicating and interacting - is.

Jill Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

Thanks Nordette.  I have been trying to talk about this with many of the "church folk" I know and it is disturbing how they do not find the corralation between what we say and what happens to these kids.  Words do indeed have power.  I spent a lot of my childhood being bullied to the point of tears.  I did not try to kill myself but I did sacrafice a lot of my life to these people.  WE all every last adult who has told a child to buck up or who has sat through a sermon calling Gay people an abomonation or some other sort of horrific name are responsible.  These kids were given liscense by US.  We need to say NO MORE all of us and in a very very loud voice. Gay is not a thing it is a person.  Sometimes it a a confused scared child and we have to protect them and not throw them to the wolves. 

Michelle

I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/

I am speechless and can't believe that people are not seeing these things happening, at home, at school, in the playground.  We need to teach our children the value of each and every human being regardless of their differences.  But I know that some of the kids that tease come from an unhappy place at home and they lash out at the weaker kids in school, others tease because they want to stay with their clicke, be part of the in crowd.  

I'm heart broken that so many kids are killing themselves because of bullies--children at the age of 11 shouldn't be afraid to be who the are inside....ugh! This just makes me angry and sad.  Thank you for sharing and raising awareness.

Spin Diva

Mind.Body.Soul