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Two little boys, all alone.

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I was at the post office today when a young man came in carrying an infant car seat. While waiting in line I saw him smiling at the baby and making the occasional funny face. What a loving father, I thought.

As I got into my vehicle I saw two little boys, aged about 3 and 4, in the adjacent vehicle. One of the children caught my eye and smiled. The car’s windows were rolled down. No adult was in sight.

I started to back out of the parking space — and then pulled forward once more. It just didn’t seem right to leave two kids unsupervised.

Eventually their dad returned. You guessed it: He was the guy carrying the car seat.

“What took you so long, daddy?” one boy asked fretfully.

Good question.

 

Another good question: Was I being paranoid or prudent?

Prudent, I think. Dammit.

Look, I don’t like assuming the worst. But it is — and, unfortunately, needs to be — our first line of defense. If you think I overreacted, kindly read the story of Alisa Maier. Last week the 4-year-old was kidnapped right out of the front yard where she and her brother were playing. For some reason she was let go the next day. The man believed to have taken her was a convicted sex offender who shot himself when the police approached his home.

Our Amber-alerted world

I happened to be checking the time on my cell phone when the young father entered the post office. It was 12:52 p.m. He didn’t return to his car until 1 p.m.

A lot could happen in eight minutes.

I don’t know if child abductions are occurring more often or if we’re simply more aware of them in our Amber-alerted world. What I do know is that it’s permeated our culture to the point where my niece was given coupons good for free children’s meals plus free child identification kits.

I don’t think that fingerprinting and photographing your kids is a bad idea, even as I mourn the need to be so damned wary. My great-nephew is currently grounded, in fact, because while playing at the park next to his house he went home with a kid he’d just met. Malachi’s mom had no idea where he was. He’d been told to stay in the park.

Malachi is almost 9 years old. But like other ADHD kids, he doesn’t always follow directions. I wonder if a clean-cut, young-looking sex offender with a pocket full of Pokemon cards could entice Malachi to come over and play video games.

I like to think that my nephew would know better. In fact, I’ve told him what comedian DL Hughley advises: If anyone tries to mess with you, scream “I don’t know this motherf—-r!” as loudly as possible. But maybe Malachi would be too entranced by the sight of a holographic Jirachi to remember his instructions.

Should I have stayed?

I’m sorry for today’s children because I remember the freedom of my own youth, of being able to disappear for hours at a time to play with friends. No one ever warned me not to take candy from strangers. I once saw the Robert Louis Stevenson book “Kidnapped” and had to ask what the word meant. When my grandmother babysat us in the summer, she’d leave us in the car while she shopped. Just like the boys today, we’d sit there with the windows rolled down, smiling at people who walked past.

A lot could have happened in eight minutes back then, too. If a stranger had said he needed to drive us home because our grandmother was sick, we probably would have gone. After all, we’d been taught to obey adults.

Today’s kids may be more savvy than we were. But every day strangers walk off with children not their own. Please, parents: No matter how quick your errand is, do not leave your kids by themselves. Chances are that nothing will happen while you’re in the drugstore or picking up your mail. But you really can’t be sure.

Probably nothing would have happened to those boys today even if I’d just driven off. On the

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Capital Mom 5 pts

I sometimes worry that I come across as a paranoid parent, but I feel like it is only paranoia until something happens. So I am always around and watching. The kids are 3 and 1, but still, I see other parents at the park who let kids those ages do whatever they want.

Brie @ Capital Mom

http://capitalmom.blogspot.com/

DonnaFreedman 5 pts

Just to let you know, my niece can keep that "distant eye" on her son from her back deck or while hanging up laundry or mowing the grass -- it's a pretty small park and it adjoins her yard.
As far as telling kids what they should and shouldn't do, we can talk ourselves blue in the face and kids filter it through their own ways of understanding. Commenters elsewhere mentioned:
1. A daughter who "knew better" and yet was talking openly and happily with a man she didn't know in a public place. When the reader asked her why she was talking to a stranger, the girl said that the guy wasn't a stranger but rather "a nice man." Turns out that this kid had interpreted "stranger" to mean "scary, creepy, a monster."
2. Apparently some TV news show did the hidden-camera thing with a man talking to teenaged girls at a mall. He'd tell a girl how pretty she was and say he was a talent scout for a modeling agency, would she mind coming outside to have her photo taken? Girl after girl got into A CLOSED VAN with the guy. Their parents, upon viewing the footage, were beside themselves -- their daughters had been warned since they were children not to go with people they didn't know, etc.
Thus I agree with you that parents need to be with/near their kids without obsessing. Sometimes that can mean a little bit of aggravation, e.g., getting them out of their car seats and dragging them into the post office with you.
That's why I sat in my car with a newspaper, pretending the read: Because some man or woman with the right line to win their trust might have lured them out. Or one of them might have gotten out of the car to go look for Daddy, without watching for cars entering and leaving the parking area.
Thank you for leaving a comment.

Lathya 5 pts

Although I do believe that parents should bring their kids with them into post offices and banks, etc., when they run errands with their kids; I don't think that it's dangerous to leave them there either. The world is safer than most people think. The media just throws everything straight into peoples faces and makes each child abduction known. The only way to completely prevent a child from being abducted, if there is a person around who wants to abduct your child (who will find a way no matter what), is to keep your child on a leash and keep your eye on him until he moves out to live on his own. Parents need to teach their children more about how to know the difference between adults he should listen to, and adults he shouldn't always listen to. Show your kids how to be responsible for themselves, and try to be with them as much as possible, with out being obsessive about it. As for children with ADHD, they won't always listen to what you tell them, because they are distracted from everything so easily, so children like that should be watched more often. I wouldn't let a child with ADHD play alone in a park, even if it was right next door. As long as you are at the park and keeping a distant eye on him, that's fine. But just be there.

DonnaFreedman 5 pts

I appreciate the input. A couple of notes:
1. I didn't helicopter around the vehicle, or try to talk to the kids. I just sat in my car, holding a newspaper as though I were reading it. In fact, I was keeping an eye on those kids.
2. I didn't say anything to the father.
3. I decided that if no one had returned in 10 minutes I would call the police.
I did not mean for this to turn into a pissing match. I just wanted to share what I saw and ask people to consider what might happen if they ran in "for just a minute." That's all.
As for my nephew being able to call his mom and say where he was, here's the thing: He'd been told to stay where she could see him in the park next door. He did not obey instructions. Therefore he was grounded.
He is welcome to bring friends over. Had he come over with his new pal and asked for permission to go to the child's house, no doubt my niece would have stopped what she was doing and walked over with him to meet the parents. But he has to learn to keep his word and not just run off any time he feels like it.
Again, thanks for all your comments. I hope you have time to look at some of my other articles both here and at http://www.donnafreedman.com.
Best regards,
Donna

DitsyGypsy 5 pts

Since you are college-educated and a thinking woman, I'd like to cover a few fine points from your posts. You said:

"I live in a cow town in the middle of Indiana, where I literally can't go anywhere without running into someone I know; where people talk to strangers..."

and

"I know that my 3 year old can't get out of her carseat alone, and I know that my 4 year old wouldn't (and, again, I had the keys)."

and

"Round here we have these newfangled thingamajigs called WINDOWS... My kids weren't ALONE, they were two panes of glass away from me."

Put all that together, and it would suggest that while you were running into (and talking to) every person in town (including strangers), your children were restrained in the car, windows rolled up and engine off (since you had the keys), so they couldn't get to a fresh air supply if necessary?
Do you see where YOUR holier-than-thou comments take you? Nobody here is perfect...I know I'm not! I don't have any gold stars to give myself, and I haven't been to the grocery store for some Keebler's...I'm certainly not baking those cookies in this heat! LOL
You take it day by day, and you (and I) WILL make mistakes. The key is to learn from them and try to do it better the next time. One thing's for sure...if your child's SAFETY, SECURITY, and HAPPINESS are your top priority, it's going to at least be good enough. Now go get YOUR cookie and a glass of red...sounds like you need it! :)

Susan Reeves
Ditsy Gypsy 

Just_Margaret 5 pts

I read this, and then read the comments, and the FB comments. I'm on the fence here.

In the situation described by Donna, I probably would have stayed. I wouldn't have said anything to the father when he returned, either (though I don't know if you did, Donna), I would have just driven off and simply felt better.

I think in general for this sort of situation, there are a lot of factors to consider. Rural vs. suburban/urban. Age of the child. Maturity of the child. Can you see the vehicle from inside of the place you're running into? What is the law?

What works for some won't work for others. I live in a rural area, like aaustin13. And I have seen the similar stats indicating that kidnapping *isn't* more prevalent than it used to be. I really think that today's technology simply gets the news around more.

I've left my kids in the car. As young as these two boys were (though not w/ windows down...and I am wondering why I feel the need to point that out!) My daughter is 8, and she had a tooth extracted a month or so ago--they put her out for the three minutes that it took to yank the tooth, and she was groggy and nauseated for a good time after. We drove from the oral surgeon to the grocery store so I could pick up some popsicles for her (35 minute drive, mind you) and she was still feeling icky.

I left her in the van. Locked. Reclined in the second row seat. I couldn't see her from the store, either. I was *not* going to make her come in with me. I made a decision based on all the factors I listed above. She was safe. I knew it. That's not to say I haven't second guessed decisions I've made to allow my kids to do certain things, I have, and blogged about it recently.

If I still lived in suburbia rather than the woods of N.H. I'd probably have a different approach. But I can't really say--because we've been here since they were 3 and 1. Nor can I say that what is appropriate for me and my family is also appropriate for every other parent in the States, or the world for that matter.

Because I don't live their lives. One woman's prudence may be another's paranoia. I don't get the impression that aaustin13 has a disregard for what parenting is about, or that she lives in a fairy tale world. I just think that she brings a different perspective to the table. A perspective, frankly, I can relate to.

~Margaret

Just Margaret ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com )

Emsxiety 5 pts

You are unreasonable. It is irresponsible to leave you children unattended in a car, regardless of whether you can see them from the window or not. Especially at such young ages. I have heard of windows, we have them here in NH too. Im not an idiot. Although your reply seems to think otherwise. You are entitled to do what you wish with your children and I am entitled to my opinion of the irresponsible nature of it.

Jagged Edge of Em's Anxiety ( http://emsxiety.blogspot.com/ )

dusty earth mother 5 pts

Prudent! And smart! So glad you stayed, that is just plain scary. I know I've been tempted to leave my 6 year old and 5 year old in the house while I run to the corner for milk, but I never do because I know it's a STUPID idea. Why didn't he know?

aaustin13 6 pts

Where I live, it is safe to leave your purse in the car (on the front seat, even). I do it all the time. My husband leaves his iPod in plain sight in his car all the time, and we've never had a problem. Right now in my car, in full view of anyone who cares to look, I have several DVDs and CDs, a bunch of toys, a couple of receipts from the bank that include my account number...

Did you miss the part where I said I was in full view of the car the entire time? 'Round here we have these newfangled thingamajigs called WINDOWS... My kids weren't ALONE, they were two panes of glass away from me. No more "alone" than when they play at the Playland at McDonald's and I sit on the outside. They could see me the entire time (well, the awake one could, anyway). They're actually farther away from me when they play in their rooms than they were when I "irresponsibly" left them in the car for a couple minutes.

Your blog title betrays you. Anxiety, eh? And I'm the unreasonable one?

In other news, why the heck can't I subscribe to comments anymore? Is there a new way to do that that I can't see? Or do they want me to sit here and click "refresh" all afternoon?

 http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Emsxiety 5 pts

For those people that see no problem leaving your child in the car while you ran in somewhere, would you have left your pocketbook or ATM card in the car too?

I have never left my kids alone in a car to go in to any store or the post office at any time. Do I think that makes me better than you? No. Do I think kids need to be wrapped in bubble wrap? No. Do I think it's irresponsible for you to leave your 3 and 4 year olds in the car by themselves, absolutely!

I'd have waited too!

Jagged Edge of Em's Anxiety ( http://emsxiety.blogspot.com/ )

aaustin13 6 pts

Sure, why not. I'll be today's bad guy.

I'm a college educated 34 year old woman. I am capable of assessing whether it's too hot or cold to safely leave my children in the car. I am capable of assessing the safety of our community. I live in a cow town in the middle of Indiana, where I literally can't go anywhere without running into someone I know; where people talk to strangers (just today a very nice man at the grocery store complimented my two adorable children and I didn't call the cops!); and where I literally know every single person on my block and a high percentage of the rest of the neighborhood - not just by sight but by name and profession and kids' names and pets' names and we show up for each others' weddings, birthdays, and funerals.

Would I leave my kids in the car while I ran in to get a pizza in South Central LA? No, of course not. But I'm a thinking, rational person who can assess the safety and the danger and decide that it's worth it to let a sleeping three-year-old lie.

There are no laws against leaving children in the car in my state - I've checked.

I also know my kids. I know that my 3 year old can't get out of her carseat alone, and I know that my 4 year old wouldn't (and, again, I had the keys).

I further know that most of the violence against children - most of the molestations, kidnappings, and murders - are perpetrated by people the children know. Usually a parent or guardian, often a relative or family friend. The odds of them being violated in any way by a stranger are truly vanishingly small. The real odds do NOT justify wrapping them in bubble wrap and sticking them in the closet until they're 18 years old.

But it feels better to be Mother Superior, doesn't it? To say, "Oh I'd NEVER!" Yes, yes, you're a better mommy than I am. Go get yourself a cookie and a gold star.

Y'all are the same sorts who would've clucked your tongues at my 3 year old if I'd shaken her awake and taken her into the pizza place and she'd had a public meltdown, aren't you?

 http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Colormepink 5 pts

While I do agree and am myself, guilty of being overly concerned, you can't leave your small children in a car unsupervised. As other commenters have mentioned it also might be illegal, I know it is here in Florida.

I would have stayed too. I also would have spent most of that time trying to decide how I could say something non-threatening to the dad... in the end I probably would say nothing and then think of the perfect thing to say at 3AM. But that just might be me.

While I support everyone's right to parent as they see fit, I must say that I'm a little sick of having "free range" parenting shoved down my throat at every turn. You choose your path and I'll choose mine.

http://colormepink.com

emilysteers 5 pts

as someone who recalls almost being chatted up by a mysterious stranger when i was playing with my brother in my driveway as a very young child, i'm very happy you stayed.

we were playing with sidewalk chalk on our very suburban driveway. a guy in a station wagon pulled up and would only talk to me-- not my brother. we were scared and shy, but didn't run away (he claimed to know my dad... and i was 4, tops). my sister came outside when she heard us being quiet, and brought us inside. thanks, sister.

but i don't know what i would have done in this situation. probably would have stayed, if i had noticed. but this is such a gray area in today's society-- what's being responsible, and what's going to get you on the receiving end of another's ire?

i suppose if you just sat in your car and watched, but didn't say anything to the father, you weren't putting yourself in harms way. but a few weeks ago, on a hot day in LA, i walked past a car on my way back from a hike. all the windows were shut and there was a large Bernese mountain dog in the backseat. my boyfriend had to keep me from breaking the windows to get the dog out-- i was afraid for the dog's life. my boyfriend tried to assure me that park rangers wouldn't let anything happen to the dog (and we didn't know if the owners were, say, the people standing 10 feet away) but i'm still not so sure.

where does responsibility END?

 -emily

www.happyhomeblog.com
( http://www.happyhomeblog.com )

Jett 5 pts

I think that is BEYOND awesome.

As a mom, I probably would have called her supervisor and thanked him/her for employing such a person.

[All blogged up and nowhere to go.] ( http://www.decablog.com/jett/blog.php )

shareleann 5 pts

I absolutely would have stayed & most likely called the police to advise them of the situation. Especially with kids that young!
I work on a military installation at night & my daughter (11yrs old) occassionally would come to work with me. She wouldusually go out to the car about an hour before I got off work so she could sleep. One day I had 2 gentlemen some in to the office to alert me of the unattended child in the car out front. I'm glad they did that - what if it weren't my daughter, and what if she really was as young as she looks??
it's a scary world & I'd rather be cautious.

CrazedMama 5 pts

I'm actually pretty shocked at aaustin13s comment. I guess you live in a fairy tale world, huh?? My kids are 5 and 6 and the only time I have ever left them alone was to pay for gas and that was when I just walked up to the window to pay and I didn't have to go inside a store to pay. Maybe I'm overly paranoid to some, but I don't want my child to be the one out of 100 children that gets kidnapped or hurt. I wont take that chance but obviously aaustin will.

This story was very familiar to me though, I see it all the time. There's a mom at my son's school that leaves her baby in the van while she takes her daughter into the school and to her classroom. One time I was at walmart a long time ago (this was before I had kids of my own). My mom and I were sitting in the snack area and this mother brought 3 or 4 of her kids in there and just left them to sit and watch the tv. She just left them there all by themselves, with the oldest being around 5 or so, while she did her shopping. I stayed there and waited until she came back. How could you just leave your kids like that?? I mean, she was gone for a long time, too.. like a half an hour!! I thought about telling the manager. Now that I'm a mother myself, I would have told the mother off, lol.

lisanoel03 5 pts

the truth is, at least if he lived in my state, what he did was illegal!!
and sadly I can say that knowledgably because I had my first stomach dropping experience with a police officer (my father is a police officer so I had lots of great experiences up to this point) because I did just this. well not exactly JUST this. one morning back when my oldest was in preschool and i took him to work for an hour before he went, i hadn't grabbed breakfast from the house. so I stopped at walgreens it was 7:30am and it was POURING. the store was literally empty and the tempature was perfect. i told my son to stay put and i'd be right back so i could RUN (literally) in and he could stay dry and I could get LESS wet than if I had to wait for him. we had a minivan so his window was tinted, it was not at all hot so I didn't roll the windows down and I locked the door and it literally took me 2 minutes to grab him a milk and sweetroll. but low and behold when I came up, there was an officer sitting in his car right next to mine with his window open. luckily he let me off with a very stern lecture about how badly i'd screwed up.
so while yes the real numbers show that abductions aren't actually more common, just more publicized, you still weren't wrong.
as a mom of three I DO know how impossible it seems to take 3 kids in somewhere and get something done but he still screwed up.

JennaHatfield 10 pts

Really. I feel all kinds of warm fuzzies now. :)

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

DitsyGypsy 5 pts

WOW! I'm a little amazed at aaustin13's disregard to what parenting's all about. Is kidnapping the only concern in the peak of Summer heat? Or kids' rambunctious nature when left to entertain themselves? Absolutely not! I couldn't count on one hand the number of cases there have been just locally of dead kids, because the "responsible" adult just ran in for milk/stamps/to pay a bill, etc. There was just a newscast yesterday on why you shouldn't "forget" your kids in the car. They guy basically baked cookies on his dashboard! As JennaHatfield noted (and I'm testament to, as well) kids start playing, and suddenly you have an uncontrollable rolling vehicle with no way to stop it but direct impact. That's just not a risk I'm willing to take!
Have I ever left my kids in the car? Yes...but ask me how many times I turned around, because my gut told me it was wrong. Do my kids play outside unattended? Yes...but in a fenced yard or if they leave our yard, with cell in hand. Is it really worth our kids' lives for us to not want to live in fear? NO! Just like changing diapers and 3AM feeding, that protective nature is part of what you signed up for when you decided to have a child.
Maybe for some, it will take a traumatic event to wake up to the reality of what parenting is...it's certainly not Disneyland! For me, I'll stick with caution and protection. It's my job as a parent, and I'd rather be safe than sorry!

Susan Reeves
Ditsy Gypsy 

mrscrumley 5 pts

Given their ages, I might have stayed. I wouldn't have said anything to the kids or the dad, but just sat their, fussing with my phone or my own kids who would have been in the post office with me.

If the boys had been older, five or up, I would not have stayed

But I'm not going to say I've never left my kids in the car alone. I'm not perfect and there are circumstances where I'm ok with leaving them in the car. (My current struggle is with letting my son go into a public bathroom by himself.)

I'm going to go with the comment below and say that in today's world we live more in fear of what could happen because we know more about what could happen.

But here is a sweet story to close my comment on:

I have friends who let their child walk to and from school. She was in 6th grade last year. The route she takes is kind of out of the way so that she is on sidewalks and away from the busiest streets. Her parents planned this with her when they chose her school.

One day I happened to be driving by her walking home in the rain. I stopped, offered her a ride, she hopped in and then we pulled over to call her mom to let her know I had her.

As I was dialing my phone, an office worker in the building across the street came out, tapped on my window, spoke OVER me to ask my friend's daughter if she was ok. The worker explained that they see her walk past every afternoon, and just wanted to make sure I was on the up and up.

We drove home kind of feeling light hearted because we knew she had kind of a guardian angel in the office building she walked past every day.

JennaHatfield 10 pts

Not only is it dangerous (heat/cold/strangers/cars from the 90's that can be put into drive without the key in the ignition as my friends' two year old found out... the hard way... and they were just in their driveway washing the car), but it's illegal in some states ( http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/04/20/earlysho... ). Just because you've taught your child to stay buckled and never touch the gear shift, doesn't mean they won't. And that they won't run over an innocent family.

Does the father who ran in to the post office deserve to be arrested. No, not at all. I understand his plight, I do. Our post office only offers on street parking. It is an awful experience to take the kids to the post office. I hate it. I wish I could leave the kids in the car. But I don't. I would never forgive myself if something happened to them or to someone else.

In short, I give you a thumbs up for staying. I would have done the same.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )), from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ), is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

aaustin13 6 pts

It is a fact that the world is safer now than it was when we were growing up. The violent crime rate is at its lowest level in years.  When we were kids we didn't have a dozen 24 hour news channels shouting "BE AFRAID" at us all day.

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1705342,00.html

Yes, the story of Alisa Maier is terrifying for any parent - it didn't help me at all that she looks like she could be one of my brown haired brown eyed fair skinned kids. But how many MILLIONS of children played in their yards that day and didn't get kidnapped? Mine did. They're still here.

And let's not forget that she made it home safely.

Yesterday I had errands to run and my 3 year old fell asleep in the car. It was cool enough that I wasn't worried about the car getting too hot - it was raining at the time. So I parked in the fire lane and left my sleeping 3 year old and my awake 4 year old in the locked car. I ran in to pay for the vacuum and brought it out to the car. The kids were in my sight the entire time. Then we drove to the pizza place and I did the same thing when I ran in to grab dinner.

Everyone lived.

Your 9 year old nephew made a FRIEND. Heaven forbid! It doesn't mean he's going to be molested - it means that he needs to learn to call his mom and say, "Hey Mom, I'm at Joe's house on Oak Street, and his number is 555-1234 if you need me."

You can't live in fear. I refuse to, and I refuse to raise my kids that way. I mean this in the nicest possible way - it sounds like you and your kids need a healthy dose of http://freerangekids.wordpress.com

http://prettybabies.blogspot.com