Thanks for this post!  I've written a lot about having been raised by a gay dad, and how THRILLED i am that i get to raise my daughter with so many friends who are same-sex couples that also happen to be very loving parents. In her world, love comes in every shape, size, gender and color and she's been very clear that she knows just how strong and oepn it can be.  That said, the girl is boy crazy.

But yes, I feel like our generation is the first one that truly has a chance to raise kids who take it all as a "given" and can really change the world. (Remember, our kids are also the first ones to see a black man and a woman run for president!  It's a new world for them, it really really is!)

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Not that your other posts aren't also important, but this one struck me as one that we should all be discussing, and I agree that parents with children today will find that eventually this subject will come up whether they're ready for it or not.

I think some parents don't want to talk about with their children because they fear the discussion will cause an otherwise "straight" child to later on "try" the same sex, and it's something they don't want to happen. It's sort of like when people feared that if their children intermingled with other races then they might marry someone from another race. I guess this kind of reasoning makes perfect sense to you if you're homophobic or racist. But talking to young children about sex in general, even without same sex discussions, makes some parents nervous because there's that other fear too -- if we talk about sex our children may try to sex too soon. Hmmm.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that often what we tell or don't tell our children has as much to do with our ignorance as our fear. Your daughter is blessed to have a mother who treats her like she's the intelligent, growing human that she is. Sounds to me like you gave her true, age-appropriate information that was fine for now.

Again, thanks for this post.

N. 

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose Blogher post at the time of this comment is "Bernie Mac Dies of Pneumonia at 50" and at her personal blog "Isaac Hayes Died Today at 65." Her condolences to both families.

Excellent post!  You probably are part of the first generation of parents who are actully discussing this with their kids.  It is of great importance to talk to your kids about it, regardles of how much you might loathe talking about it. The most amazing thing that you are doing is trying not to influence who she loves. I wish I had had parents like you when I was growing up, it would have saved me a lot of pain, shame, and confusion. 

This is an awesome post. Despite years of being a het-advocate for same sex marriage rights, I also lothe the "who can I marry" talk. As you said, it's more because it is so confusing and kids are so literal at this age (yours is 4, mine is 5). Example, I mentioned to her one day that I love that her and another girl are such good girlfriends. She replied, "But I"m not a boy!"

She already has this boy-girl romantic thing going in her head. Thanks fairy tales! 

SO where to start? That girls call each other girlfriends with or without the romance? That her and her boy classmate can be friends without the romance? Oy! It makes my head spin, esp since at 5 she has a limited attn span for a teachable moment. FTR, I went with the girlfriend defintions. I also think I made sure we reread "And Tango Makes Three" soon after as well. 

Excellent post. My sister just had a similar conversation with her 10 year old. I love that the world is shifting enough that people are willing to be honest about these questions. What a wonderful thing for children to get a message early on that it is okay to love who you love. I wonder, throughout time, how changes like that could impact someone's experience of coming out/acceptance/ etc. It could be a beautiful thing. 

Still searching...www.illusivejoy.wordpress.com

For those parents who ARE finding the right language to explain same sex marriage/love to their children, I can't help but think what lucky children they have. I know its not an easy conversation necessarily but when IS sexuality something easy for parents to discuss with their kids? Not easy, but its gotta happen and has to happen honestly eventually. I just know that my parents never had this sort of conversation with me and, for a long time, homosexuality was something to be ashamed of. Crazy. Now I have schooled my parents and am prepping myself to school my kids as well when the topic arises (have already taken a few stabs at it with my 5 yo). Politics aside (cuz that part won't be so fun to explain) I actually think it ultimately might be kind of easy to explain in the end, you love who you love. As simple as that. Here's to raising a more tolerant coming generation. A wonderful post.

Caroline

http://morningsidemom.wordpress.com/

This very heterosexual woman feels you can't legislate love, baby.

Hallelujah.

Two of my very favorite things this summer have been gay wedding (esque) events. One, an actual wedding, truly, the msot lovely I've been to in I can't remember how long, 100% bride free. Groom-o-rama. The other a 10th anniversary for two lovely women I know, but also, a family celebration that included their adorable adopted boy. Lots of kids at that one.

Maybe that's the trick. You take the kids along, they see how absolutley lovely it is, and then, you can't help but wonder why ANYONE would object. 

Both events were attended by extended family, too. A fine model for small people to observe - supporting friends and family. 

Nerd's Eye View

 I'm so glad to read you say you don't know all the answers or know how you would handle any given scenario with your daughter.  Many of us who identify as queer don't know, either, honestly.  We are so fortunate to be living in a time of changing assumptions!

It gives me so much hope to think about children increasingly raised with open discussion about all of their questions and observations.  Lucky is the child who, like your daughter, has the deep conviction that her parents will support her in all that she is and will guide her through a world that is wonderful, diverse and nothing to fear.

 Thank you so much for this post! 

Deb

www.debontherocks.com

blog

www.3smartgirlz.com

consulting

beautifully said. that last quote brought tears to my eyes. may my children find love like that in their lives. thanks for this great post!

http://imabima.blogspot.com

This is a superb example of good parenting, which I think involves giving your kids enough information to feel comfortable with what life will eventually throw at them, but not so much information that they can't process it at their young level of understanding. One of my favorite things about being a teacher has been watching how our society has evolved with regards to social issues, but unfortunately this is still an issue we can't even remotely deal with in the elementary school setting (at least where I live.) I have a gay brother and can't help but think how different his life might have been if he had been born 30 years later.

Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen

Wrote about it then too...

Tacy asked why MLK Jr. Day was important, and I described - in kid terms - how the government once didn't allow black people to do the same things as white people, simply because they were black.

Then I extrapolated to same-sex marriage - that our government still doesn't allow some people to do what they allow other people to do, including two men getting married or two women getting married.

Maybe it's a tough topic for a not-yet-five year old (at that time), but it's important to me to impart a respect for individual rights early on.  You know, before my kids are exposed to people whose thinking hasn't yet evolved. 

mothergoosemouse

I don't have children, but it warms my soul to read to your words and reasoning.

I am fortunate that my partner's 9 nieces and nephews consider me their aunt without hesitation; they simply grew up with me around and have never questioned who I am or why I'm a part of their family.

That this generation of children (as well as future generations) will be parented with a more open mind, ear and heart is fantastic.

Most parents, my own included, only wish great joy for their children. Who we fall in love with is irrelevant, from that perspective.

It is an amazing experience to witness one's parents recognize and appreciate their daughter's love as true, real and forever.

My children are 9 and 12 and we have had this conversation.  My older sister is married to a wonderful woman.  They live far away, so my children don't get to see them that often, but are aware that Aunt Donna loves Aunt Pat.  Also, my friend James and his partner Bill had a biological daughter through a surrogate.  They came for dinner one night and the kids asked questions and James did a beautiful job of explaining that Madeline was his biological daughter and how some nice women helped make it happen. They got to see Bill and James being wonderful loving parents to Madeline. Children are so non-judgemental and accepting.  We have so much to learn from them.

Their father, my ex, is a homophobe and raised issues with them when they shared what they thought was great about mommy's friends.  Oncke again, he gave me an opporutnity to teach them tolerance as compared to judgement and condemnation.

Best,

Karen

"Then she asked if she should marry a boy." 

I would say with a mother's love for her daughter, "You'll know when you're older."

 
Lynda

*

~~_/)_~~

As so many of the above commenters have said, I can't help but be so grateful about the kinds of emotional spaces our children will have available to them.  Thanks to the broader vision each successive generation of parents has.

As a follow-up to the same-sex marrying guinea pigs: more patrons are challenging the Colorado librarian's decision to keep the book on the shelf.  Dana Rudloph at Mombian has covered it (somehow can't make the URL a link, so here it is in its cuttable & pastable entirety):

http://www.mombian.com/2008/08/16/opponents-of-gay-guinea-pig-book-start-to-organize/

And she's quoted the librarian's letter to the challenges, which is an inspirational review of the first amendment and the public trust role that public libraries have:

Thousands and thousands of our books feature true or fictional tales of murder, robbery, kidnapping – all of which violate Colorado laws. . . . The story of Robin Hood, in which a thief and robber is regarded as a hero, would also be forbidden.” I concluded that the principle, in general, would be impossible for libraries to apply.

Just what you wrote about, and the meaning that will make with your daughter will make a big difference in her generation..her friends, and their friends. I am very thankful for that difference, as little as it may seem, will make a huge difference in the future to come. Great post.