Two steps forward, One step back?

Well, my ex-husband and I have been talking almost daily.  He has shared some of his heart with me and told me how sorry he is about not caring about our family while he was part of it.  It has been somewhat freeing to hear.  I have listened carefully.  He has told me that when he first left he gambled a lot and spent a lot of money.  The only money he had would have been the insurance money that should have paid his medical bills.  I can only assume he did not pay the bills.  I also got a phone call from the car company he has his truck financed with asking for him.  They didn't say what they wanted but it sounded like a collection call.  It concerns me.  I am very frugal and live carefully below my means.  I always have been like that.  I make sure to have an emergency fund and save over spend.  It worries me that he won't ever value those things.  He talked about buying a front end loader to complete his tools he needs to do mission work.  It sounds good and all but if you can't pay your own bills then you have no business spending money even on a good cause.  He has mentioned that he could build on to the small house he has down there to fit me and my two kids.  It scares me.  I know he has all these plans but really with his lungs I don't think he will have the physical strength to do the things he wants to which leads to depression and anger.  Which in the past has lead to escaping through gambling and porn.  I asked him if he still did that stuff and he said no to the porn and essentially no to the gambling.  But then today he called me and was telling me he was going to the casinos to use the free play they gave him.  That he just only does the free play with their money then leaves.  That scares me.  Would an alcoholic only drink a beer because it was free and besides he was addicted to vodka?  Slippery slope?  I texted him to not go to use his time for a better purpose and to let them have their money.  I asked him to turn from that demon and not to let it win.  He didn't see any harm in it and went anyways.  Then he called me when he was going to a donut shop when he says he wants to lose weight.  He also took some cake to his daughter who has just worked crazy hard to lose some weight.  I just feel him in some kind of manic mode.  He sounds calm to talk to him but I think I'll pray extra hard for him tonight.  I prayed right when he told me about the casino.  How can he want me to come down there and move two kids into something that is this unstable?  We have not even really talked about getting back together other than when he told me about the alterations he could do to the house down there.  Lord I am scared.   Be with me.  Have your hand on it.  Guide both of us as we live our lives and try and work things out. 

More Like This

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.