The Two-Year Rule: How long *is* the road to marriage?

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 I was having a bit of a quarterlife crisis and feeling behind the crowd here at 25. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we are in our mid to late 20s. We love each other very much, but I am just not ready.

Which is fine, but when my 19 year old brother got married and my small town cultural upbringing comes into play, I feel like something is wrong.  My friends have been married for years and I want to get married, but no time soon. I still feel like I am working on me, and having experiences (like living solo) and managing finances. 

I am enjoying this journey, and love having my boyfriend along for the ride (I let him drive sometimes too!) and I guess I will know when I am ready. 

Thanks for not bashing the turbulant 20s :)

I enjoyed reading this blog. I, myself, made the mistake that alot of young people are doing these days... I got married at 19. My husband was in the military, and like most military couples, we tend to get married quicker due to more money, benefits, etc. About 8 months after the wedding, we were filing for separation.

Since my failed marriage, I have been very careful. I'm still very young, and yet still a hopeless romantic. I still desire to get married and have kids around 25, but these days I'm a lot more careful. I have yet to meet that one guy that I feel comfortable talking about marriage with. However, with my experience from my marriage, I do agree that there should be some sort of time line on the road to marriage. It should depend on whats going on in their lives at the moment (i.e. college as mentioned, etc.), but I think after 2 years, the topic of marriage should've come up by then.

I enjoyed reading this blog entry. It's definitely food for thought. I've had some dates in the past but other than that I have been in a series of long-term relationships. I prefer to be monogamous and I like geting to know someone.

My last relationship was five years long. We started off with at least 2 hours between us. He lived in Ventura County, I lived (live) in Los Angeles County. Now this isn't a serious long-distance relationship, but at the time, we categorized it as and it felt like one.

We were both in our early to -early- mid-twenties. So a lot of things were new for us in different ways. I had more relationship experience than he did, but my time with this person was the longest of all relationships I'd had.

Anyway, we dated with the distance for about nearly 3 years and I encouraged him to pursue his career, move to LA and think outside of the box. He followed my advice and moved to LA and we winded up living together in an apartment.

A year before this he had wanted to get married. I was surprised at how I reacted. I freaked out and felt detached. I made up every excuse in the book to not get married. I knew deep down inside that he wasn't who I wanted to be with in marriage. So why did I move in with him and continue the relationship? Well it was one of those situations where you know someone for "so long" that you get comfortable with familiarity. We both became "addicted" to one another.

We both felt like leaving one another would be like leaving a family member or something. We eventually broke up and it was definitely for the best. We "rollercoastered" quite a bit.

A year or so later, I met my now fiance. We are TRULY in a long-distance relationship. He's Canadian (British Columbia) and as I mentioned before, I am an Los Angeles native.

We've been maintaining our connection for nearly 2 years now. He proposed to me last year during the summer. I knew right awway that I wanted to marry him. People thought I was crazy and even I went against my better and usual judgment to "wait and see". I compare this to my reaction in the past with marriage...cautious and very analytical.

My fiance is currently finishing his MA in publishing and we are making plans to close the distance permanently. I think I am opening up a can of worms here with speaking on long-distance relationships. So many people have doubts about these types of relationships. I have strong opinions on them based on experience, common sense and theory. But I'll write a blog entry on that instead as I am writing enough as it is here. LOL

My fiance and I are close to the 2 year mark, but we both knew what we wanted within a year even with the knowledge that we'll get to know one another even further in unique layers especially considering the distance. We aren't married yet because he needs to finish his internship so we can solidify the wedding plans.

I think being in a long-term relationship, among a few other cases, can throw the 2 year rule out of the equation. It's a different context.

Outside of long-distance connections, I agree that if by say 2-3 years a couple doesn't know if they want to be married, even in theory, then they are just stalling, sticking with familiarity and need to move on.

I also think having a 2 year rule forces people to be very very honesty, direct and mutually intimate with one another. You need to in order to truly know who you are dealing with so that in 2 years time you have a feeling about the marriage question.

-Allyson

The Asymptotic Faery ( http://asymptoticfaery.com )

I find myself in a suddenly very serious relationshp, and tbh, it very much feels like "the one".

At 28, and relativley fresh (5 mo.) out of a 3 year, often uncomfortable, and definetley unhealthy relationship, I have since reconnected with my high school girlfriend. 

She has remained a very close family friend for a decade, and it just feels right.  I suppose two years of dating does sound reasonable, but I feel like we allready have the equivalent of atleast 5 years under our belts. 

How does this story fit with the "Two year rule"? 

Has anyone else found themselves in this situation? 

Is it 'normal' to feel such an intense connection so "quickly" (Quickly in "" because of the lengthy, albeit non-linear nature of our relationship)

 -Good post Liz.  I enjoyed reading it.  :)

I think it's important to take the temperature of a relationship fairly regularly, but I don't think there's any hard-and-fast rule to when marriage is a go/no-go thing.

For me, I just want to feel like the relationship is moving forward. There are many relationship milestones (that aren't time-bound) that make me feel like we're headed in the right direction even without a proposal.

Examples, which can certainly vary by person and relationship: meeting coworkers, meeting the parents, traveling together, moving in together, and my personal favorite - divorcing* the previous spouse. 

*funny 'cuz it's true. 

---
Kristy Sammis
BlogHer's Conference & Event Planner
e. kristy@blogher.com ( kristy@blogher.org )

Vered - It certainly does seem like youth is a good time not to rush into marriage.

Kazari - I guess at 36, I'm just over hitting the four year-mark and then breaking up.

Dating Trooper - OK, scary story!  I am being very honest in my relationship - and we're both only children - so we'll see how it goes. We're both pretty much in the same place right now in our own ways, so that's good, I think.  Plenty of time to relax into it right now.

Sparksfley - Wow, not *that's* quite a story. I don't think I have a 3-day marriage in me.

Mata - Excellent points. I definitely thinking staying with someone who's said that he doesn't want to get married is unwise. It gets a little grayer when your partner does want to get married... but just isn't ready and just isn't ready and it starts to go on and on.

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

 More and more I see couples who are happily together in long term relationships who are not married. Consciously opting for non-marriage does not automatically imply that the relationship is not right, that someone cannot commit or that one or the other party does not yet know who they are. It may be that someone who is "marriage minded", as you say,has not been honest about what they want with a partner who is not "marriage minded". I have seen that so many times with women who are convinced that they are the ones who are going to change the guy-- often the guy who has been upfront that he is not eager to settle down. 

 ~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

I gave up on rules a long time ago.  I was with someone for 5 years, got engaged, we broke up.  Although there's more to the story, that's the nutshell.

Then, I met a man, he asked me to marry him three days later, we were married three months later, and our 10th anniversary is in two weeks.

life throws curveballs.  I think it's about learning to catch. 

Michele
Sparks and Butterflies ( http://www.sparksandbutterflies.com )
Special Needs Parent ( http://preciouschild.contentquake.com )
Stars Behind Bars ( http://stars.contentquake.com )

Oy. I have more to say on this subject than I care to admit. And I am in full agreement with you that it totally depends upon what decade you are in (emotionally and/or chronologically).

After 3 years with Only Child, I finally outgrew my committment-phobe phase. Two more years with him and his "I'm not ready yets" and I finally said forget it. Then he came back and proposed. Like your friend, I stupidly said yes. A faux engagement, a purchased wedding dress and it finally occurred to me that he proposed out of desperation, not readiness. And I said yes because that was what I'd always wanted, right? Wrong. Called it off and it was the best divorce I ever avoided!

With Wine Guy (one year this Friday!) I'm all about being very clear in my intent (marriage, kid, dog in whatever order), within 2-3 years. So far I haven't scared him off.

Did I say Oy? Well let me say it again. Oy.

Dating Trooper
http://www.datingiswarfare.com

At the 2 year mark for Ryan and I, we both would have laughed at the idea of getting married.  Both in our twenties, he was still studying, I was busy with a job that was just turning into a career.  We did make the commitment of international travel at about that point.  I think it was also around then that we broke up for a couple weeks.

it was 4 years before he asked me. i was thrilled, but it was a complete surprise.

Amongst our friends, marriage is not a popular choice.  But two couples have recently got engaged... both at around the 4 year mark, i think.  But then, we are all only just hitting 30, or younger.  My older friends all seemed to get married much, much younger.

thanks for your post - very thought provoking.

But that's b/c I met him when I was 18. I am grateful that he waited for 4 years and was willing to propose twice before I felt ready to say yes.

So yes, I think that your 20s *is* a decade-long exception to the two-year rule. But I also agree that once you're in your thirties or older, 2 years should do it.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com ( http://www.momgrind.com )