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The holidays can be challenging for all of us—we’re smooshed together with significant others’ family and co-workers, brought together—sometimes for way too long, with our own families, and pressured by the culture to go on spending sprees that are supposed to result—but usually don’t—in picture-perfect, happy holidays.
I've always secretly believed that at least half the celebrants stuffing in cookies and eggnog on Christmas are self-medicating, while the other half are committing slow death by fat & white sugar. (After all, isn’t one of the main points of the sales after Christmas to give everyone a chance to buy the gifts they wish they’d gotten—and didn’t?)
As someone who is heading off for her second Christmas with the boyfriend’s family (and who will eat far too much of her share of white sugar, chocolate, nuts and other holiday treats), I’ve had the chance to both imagine all the things I could do wrong when I get to his Midwestern city and the bosom of family, and to review all the things they could say and do that would make me nuts (not that I’m an alarmist or anything.)
Here are some of the faux pas I can imagine committing, or that I worry these folks will do with me:
The big public question: Hey, when are you two love-birds getting married? There’s always someone in every social group ready to marry off the world. I’m braced for someone to shoot this question across the room, most likely when we are opening presents or having a meal, and for everyone else’s’ eyes to turn expectantly to me and A. Only, as I have said about 1,000 times before I do not want to get married right now, and frankly, it is none of yer business.
The other big public (silly) question: So, you two planning to have any kids?
Given that I have a kid in college and A is my age, this question is somewhere between sophomoric and rhetorical. If we did want to have kids, we’d be the oldest parents in pre-school; as much as people do have kids well into their 40s, and mature men with younger partners have them, it seems off the mark to put us in that group. However, given that there are some late-stage parents in the family circle, I’m betting on whether this one crosses anyone’s lips (and hoping it does not). Nobody would really ask me that, would they? (Fingers crossed.)
Of course, people do ask silly things. Last year when I met the family, one of the relatives asked me, in all seriousness, if I managed A’s schedule for him (since a previous partner had done that). That person also wondered if I helped him balance his checkbook (!). When I got done laughing, I made sure a simple “No” sufficed, but those did go on the dumb question list. Waiting to see if anymore like these emerge this year.
I’ve avoided breaking up with a partner right in the middle of the holidays, as in during a family visit, but I’ve seen other people act out their misery with meager gifts, ignoring a partner, going off with friends when the family and their SO expected them to be hanging out. I’ve heard of SOs disappearing on long meaningless errands on the other side of town (drinking in a bar somewhere?) for what seems like hours.
I’ve also been on the other side of the Faux Pas equation. While I may not have said anything that dumb, I’ve acted the fool, usually when I didn’t mean to (sigh). My own faux pas have been more along the of missing the warning signs, aka too much hope: buying the way too nice present for the person who just didn’t care all that much, chattering about future plans (concert tickets, anyone?) when the other person is secretly checking the real estate ads (ouch!).
Why didn’t I notice that the other person checked out long ago, only somehow I missed it?
Of course, I’ve also weathered embarrassing situations with friends and family—and heard my share of others’ tales. Without further ado, some of the things you don’t want to do over the holidays, no way, no how.
- Have loud sex/a very personal argument in a supposedly quiet room whose piping (or staircase or whatever) lead to an area filled with other folks.
- Have to pretend you don’t know everyone heard what just went down.
- Re-gift someone with something they gave you a couple of years
