The Ultra Magic Elixir for Mother Runners and Elementary School Kids: A Dew Review

Running 10-15 miles a day, planning for my next ultra-marathon, taking care of kids age 5 & under and blogging all take energy. Enter Mountain Dew. When I’m running low on energy and need a quick pick me up, I do the Dew. Just like elementary school kids in a fellow Floridian town of Melbourne.  http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/04/24/school-stops-se...

Apparently, Principal Kathryn Eward of Dr. W.J. Creel Elementary School enforced a policy for staff to offer students 3 teaspoons of The Dew along with trail mix before taking our state's FCAT.  After dispensing the caffeinated concoction over the last decade, the school touts an A+ rating and the highest test scores in the county.  That is, until a few weeks ago when a student's grandmother notified school board officials and demanded the practice is stopped. Meanwhile, some entrepreneurial fourth grader is probably setting up a bootleg market exchange in Mountain Dew.

Yeah, I know soft drinks are not healthy for kids or anyone at all really.  With 110 corn syrup calories per serving that have no real nutritional value to speak of, I wouldn't slip a shot of the Dew into my toddler's sippy cup Appalachian style in hopes that he'll become the male tot version of Honey Boo Boo Child.

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"Mmmm sweet neon green nectar, gotta have more, more, MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I can also see why it may make more sense to turn to healthier adult alternatives for energy during a long run or a day running after my little ones.  If all I was really after was the energy, I could probably just go to bed at 7:30, or tough it out. The caffeine kick isn’t what makes Mountain Dew so remarkable.

Before I tell you why I've been doing the Dew allow me to preface this Dew Review by explaining why you need to accept what I’m about to tell you as the outright irrefutable truth, just like you did that whole unicorns-poop-sunshine-drops and poot-glitter-dust thing.  Mountain Dew is, quite simply put, the greatest endurance energy beverage known to womankind. It is the single best thing ever invented in the history of the world and I am including all the big ones, like refrigeration, the light bulb and dimples on babies' backsides.

So what makes it so magnanimous?

Mountain Dew just tastes so freaking lusciously scrumptious!  The citrusy, sweet smell is intoxicating, like straddling a unicorn floating above soft, cottony clouds with a devil-may-care look in your eyes.  The very first sip you take is sort of like, “OK. There’s the citrus Soda. There’s the hint of lemon-lime sweetness,” and then at the very moment you feel like pimp-slapping PepsiCo for yanking your chain about the whole 'Dew' thing, BAM! Bashful little Dew drops bursts forth and gives you a big loving smack on the tongue.  It’s like drinking a Legendary Ranger Super Megaforce Green Power Ranger Action Figure.

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There's that 20-ounce, green bottled god gazing into my eyes.  He's screaming, “Touch me, press your lips on me, drink me down you sweaty mother runner!  I taste so good, so smooth and so sticky sweet.  Just take me, take me now!"

Wait a second.  I don’t even know what that means, “drinking a Legendary Ranger Super Megaforce Green Power Ranger Action Figure”. Who says stuff like that?
Women who drink Mountain Dew, that’s who. That’s the power of the doing the Dew. It has turned this perfectly normal obsessive-compulsive 100 mile a week mother runner into a gushing two-a-day addict who would sooner give up something that belongs to my husband than ever live one minute without my new reason for living.

The intensity is embodied predominantly by taste. I've tasted many other flavors of Mountain Dew:  Amp, Code Red, Live Wire, Voltage, Taco Bell Baja Blast and any of the other promotional flavors that were out at any given time.  However as I’ve gotten older I have turned into more of a Mountain Dew purist. I drink the real deal and enjoy the sound of its carbonation hopping into the air while drops of the citrusy goodness splash against my cheek, teasing me until the elegant dance of the can finding its way to my pursed lips is over and the sweet perfection flows expeditiously down my throat.

To make this magic happen, Mountain Dew is best consumed from a chilled 12 oz. can.  As a perk of my OCDness I have learned to recognize the different nuances that are contained in the Dew when consumed from different sized containers and at different temperatures.  I can definitely tell when the fountain Dew has been mixed correctly.  For true Mountain Dew deliciousness during an ultra-race I've chugged it from a chilled can at the aid station before running the rest of the race like an insanely high vibrating crack head. In addition to the ingredients you need to fuel an all-night bender, or run, it contains 10% real fruit juice.  That's 5% more than the new Mountain Dew Kickstart, which the company says isn't an energy drink but rather a morning drink to replace a cup of coffee.  I haven't tried the Kickstart yet but it seems unquestionably just like regular liquid crack, or Mountain Dew, with different marketing.

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