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Last week, the New York Times ran an article about living childfree after infertility, featuring fellow BlogHer, Pamela Jeanne of Coming2Terms. The article was well-written and thoughtful, but more telling than the reporter's angle were the comments that appeared on a New York Times blog post that referenced the article as well as a podcast called "Voices of Infertility".
The 323 comments ranged from those who thought they were being helpful by disregarding what the subjects of the article and podcast had already stated ("Please — consider adoption") to cruel ("I have little sympathy for people who can’t have their own children") to idiotic ("Is survival of the fittest at play here?"). And that was only the first 8 comments. I had to stop around comment 21.
Bloggers brought the comments into full posts, explaining the impact the words had on their world. Matthew Miller, author of the upcoming book and blog Maybe Baby, explained about the majority of the comments:
OK, that one I can toss into to the trash heap as the ramblings of someone who is miserable. Most infertiles know, and have experienced, the rantings or unkind words of someone ready to tell you how much worse they have it than you do. Be it another infertile farther along in the process or someone with an entirely separate affliction, I have known the pain and frustration of being put in my place by someone hellbent on being in more pain than I am.
M from another blog named Maybe Baby asks, "Am I a weenie if the comments on the NY Times article starring the beautiful and brave Pamela Jeanne make me cry? Because they do.
Part of me is compelled to speak. To add my voice to the din. The rest of me wants nothing to do with the conversation."
If it was frustrating for me to read, I cannot imagine how it would feel to be one of the individuals who stepped forward to tell their story for the article and podcast. Those comments bring out the "why bother" response that only perpetuates the tension that lies between misunderstood groups of people. And while the need to understand each other is perhaps not as dire as it is with other misunderstood groups, it is still a poor use of energy to respond with the cruel or uninformed comment rather than holding the typing fingers still to listen. How often can people be berated before they stop trying to explain themselves at all? I ask this question in the larger sense for all misunderstood groups; especially when we shake them so hard, trying to get answers and then mock them for the answers given rather than taking the information to heart.
If the article left you in a space where you wanted to learn more about why someone chooses childfree as their path out of infertility, I can point you towards some of the childfree after infertility bloggers:
Outlandish Notions had a fantastic explanation about how one moves towards living childfree after being enmeshed in trying to conceive for so long.
You're Still Young's last post was about "reluctantly letting go -- some days kicking and screaming, others with a little more grace."
My Whole is Greater Than the Sum of My Parts recently changed her blog name from Flutter of Hope as she moved through stages of finding herself again.
(Not) Coming to a Uterus Near You wrote a list recently of the things she was grateful about at a festival to remind herself of all she was missing while she was thinking about the main thing she was missing.
Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.
