Unexplained Infertility: Still Hoping

This is a post that I have been debating writing for a LONG while. One because its one that is more personal.. one that I can't really find a joke at the moment to laugh it away and it makes me feel just a bit vulnerable. But, this blog has become like a journal for me and today is just one of those days that its kind of prevalent on my mind.
Searching for some hope via other blogs showed me that 1. I am not alone in wanting to be pregnant - and that is no secret, even here. After all, it's one of my New Years Resolutions. But I mentioned it last December and kept it moving here... Now, I think perhaps if I share, it may help others like me who when they are having a bad, emotional, hormonal or down day and looking for someone to relate - they can find that Hope here.
Well, where do I even begin?
I guess I should start by saying that despite what my plans are or my husbands thoughts on it all - I TRULY believe that God is the ultimate decision maker in my life and I have no resentment about that. Oh how I do wish that his timing was mines, but I already know that He knows best and its been proven time and time again in my life already. 
So what do you do in while you wait on God? You Blog.
When we got married, we had discussed our desires to have children but never wanted to "TRY" to conceive. Simply, if it happened- it happened. Completely happy with that!
At this point, my husband was really adamant about not even thinking about children until 18 months into our marriage and we weren't preventing so I felt like that was a safe compromise.
Life moved on and then eventually I noticed that umm.. nothing happened. 
Those 18 months easily passed and that was fine because we were getting used to being married, living together, saving to buy our house and really had WAY too much going to have a child. The focus changed to just "getting our lives together" and perhaps that would free up some mind space and eliminate stress.
Hindsight, he was perfectly right in setting that timeline because it took 18 months to the day for us to purchase and move into our newly built home.

So, we moved in March... Now, April I wanted to make sure that now that we have empty rooms to fill I wanted to make sure that now that we are "open" to trying that we would have no trouble in doing so. So, having recently moved, I needed a new OB/GYN that wasn't an hour away. Being the avid researcher that I am, I thought that seeing as though its been 18 months, it may be time to seek out a specialist instead.

By this time, I was already using a BBT (a basal body thermometer) and an ovulation prediction kit pretty regularly. So I took all that information to our specialist and had full extensive testing done. We found out that at this point we fit into the "unexplained infertility" group. Which basically means, aside from God the specialist can not figure out just yet what in the past caused us to not conceive on our own. Immediately, he looked at us and said "Why wait!... if you are ready to have a baby there are two ways you can go about doing so - IUI and IVF." (Intra-Uterine Insemination and In-Vitro Fertilization).

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Doc. Talk about scaring both my husband and I. I don't think we were ready for all of that. But, he drew out diagrams and explained it all to us expressing that of course he would like us to do IVF (even though we are just unexplained and that nothing is wrong with either one of us) because it was more controlled...

We put baby making on hold with our specialist for a few months more.

August we were hitting the 2 year mark and we decided we could finally afford to try IUI so lets see what happens. I went into the doctors and picked up my medication. The specialist determined that he wanted to do Clomid 100mg (pills) plus Bravelle 150miu (a self injected shot) and Ovidrel (yet, ANOTHER self injected shot) to induce ovulation. My husband of course would have to produce a sample so that the IUI can be completed. I went from perfectly healthy, ovulating on-time just can't get this timed thing right woman to now having a sharps container, mixing medications in vials at home, replacing the needles on syringes, and injecting things I have never heard of into my abdomen type of woman. Needless to say - we were both a little shell shocked by the whole ordeal. Not to mention side effects. I don't think either one of us were prepared for the fact that it may take all of this to have a baby.

The morning of our 2 year wedding anniversary, we woke up and hubby took care of business. We prayed together and off I went to the doctors for the procedure holding our future children in a brown bag. All went well and extremely fast. I was EXTREMELY nervous! I left with only some cramping that was too be expected and headed back to work where I sat at my desk with my feet propped up on the computer tower. I was scheduled for a follow up appointment 14 days after so that I could have blood work drawn and my HCG Beta levels tested to see if we were indeed pregnant.

14 days came: and I sat at my office waiting to hear back from my nurse. She sounded quite cheerful as she let me down easy that we were not pregnant afterall and that I could now stop the progesterone and call if we want to try again.

TRY AGAIN?! I thought to myself! Who in the world after hearing news that pretty much disappoints the mess out of them that they should immediately try again! excuse me while I just feel lost and confused for a bit because I spent HARD EARNED money and we are talking over a thousand dollars to have fertility treatments done, in order to conceive a child that we both wanted and felt like we were ready for with bodies our specialist told us were perfectly capable of producing and yet... nope nada. no baby.

So, with that we moved on.

Until October.. the usual clue that tells you that you are not pregnant failed to appear and went missing for two weeks. Scheduled an appointment with my specialist for an ultrasound and bloodwork because "this can't be normal?" not for me?! the one who for the last two years has kind of embraced the fact that its just not time and honestly have tried to truly not think about too much because I don't want the constant disappointment to handicap and blind me from all the wonderful things that I can do in my life at this point...
So, again I wait in my office for the nurse to call ...

"you can go ahead and take the provera" is all she said when she calls.
Basically, its a prescription that allows your monthly to come when its stopped unexpectedly - translation : not pregnant.

It may not be a happy ending to the story just yet, but I am willing to see it to the end. Yeah I can get down about it, but I am learning to find other things to consume my time. These days its only prevalent in my head when something reminds me of the unpleasant things that I had to just accept..
So what prompted this post? We had a baby shower at work and my coworker unknowingly says to me "we will be having one of these for you soon!"

She had no idea how ill timed that was as I STILL sit here waiting for this provera to WORK! I am in the frustrating land of limbo!

Now, don't get me wrong - I am resilient and genuinely happy for everyone who shares with me the good news of them being pregnant. After all, I work in youth ministry! so nothing will stop my love of babies and children. So invite me away to the Baby Showers and the like. Truly, its all good. Like I said, you just have good days and bad days. Good days are days where it doesn't cross your mind at all and you don't let yourself go into the land of what our life would be like with a baby, but the romanticized version and bad days are simply the opposite.

I would love to turn a blind eye to the whole subject but that's not realistic for me nor is it healthy so instead, I don't dwell, I spread hope and remain faithful. Even if that faith truly is the size of a mustard seed.
But I get it "Relax. It will happen" this I know.. but I am a planner by nature and even to this day get excited to see wrapped presents under a Christmas tree but dying inside to see whats in them. So imagine how I feel now! BURSTING! yet never have I once run through the house on Christmas Eve to tear at the christmas paper like an untrained puppy while the family sleeps to alleviate that desire.. so I'm good.

The one thing I do have. Hope.

Hope that God hears my prayer
Hope that He will answer soon
Hope that he will will indeed answer when the time is right
Hope that he gives me peace and patience until that day

My medical folder may have unexplained female factor infertility labeled on it, but I do know that God will turn it around in due season.
One thing that I did find in looking for TTC blogs that related to my story is Hope: because most people who pop up in the TTC Blog search have now since conceived


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