The Unfollow Button Hurts Both Ways

I think every adoption blogger, if being honest, can say that there are blogs that exist that they just can't read anymore either. It's not a point of not caring or wishing ill, as you said, but a point of not relating for some reason or another. That extends to non-adoption blogs as well. We've all un-subscribed from a blog after losing interest. It happens.

I thank you for your well-thought-out reply to all of the feedback. The truth is that sometimes I still learn, so much, from blogs that leave me a smidgen uncomfortable. I think that's probably why they make me uncomfortable. If our feedback helped you learn a bit, then this exchange was well worth it. I, too, have learned a thing or two from the replies here, your reply and the general give and take of emotions and info. Kudos for starting something that resulted in learning.

@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom ) from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com )

Wow.

I never thought I'd get this kind of feedback. It's incredible. Thank you gals, so much.

I really am taking to heart what you've said; and I want to be a little clearer than I don't judge her. Like I said, I do my best as a mother not to look down on anyone, especially other mothers. I know how hard it is and just how much harder it could become at any moment. Even at it's best moments, there are always equally horrible moments present, too. I don't know this woman or her life or her story or anything more than what she shares on her blog. I could never tell her she's a bad mother or that I think she made a mistake.

I would never tell another mother something like that.

It's just that I can't read anymore; my heart isn't in it. And there's no point in following her when I don't get any more enjoyment out of the situation. I wish her all the best and I hope she and her blog have long, happy lives. I wish her no ill will and maybe someday I'll pop back in to say "hello" and see where things are at with her life.

It's just that I cannot continue to be a dedicated reader; I just can't. As much as I want to and as much as I'd like to, it's just not comfortable for me anymore.

This has been an eye-opening experience. One that continues to weigh on my heart and mind. Again, I thank you for all your feedback. I appreciate it more than you know.

I am an adopted child. My mother didn't hand me over in the hospital, or drive me to the foster home. She left me in a train station, alone. I give her the benefit of the doubt and say she did it because she knew someone would find me and take me to a place where someone could take better care of me than she could or would.

I give her the benefit of the doubt. 

When I was younger I questioned a lot about my adoption, as I'm sure many adopted children do. Some want to meet their birth parents. Some want nothing to do with them and feel resentment. I can't say I felt either extreme for more than a fleeting moment because I had a mother and father who loved me. I knew that the events of my life had led me to where I was, and it was a good life. I do believe it was the best outcome for me. 

I hope it was for my mother. I hope she went on to live a wonderful and full life. If she had any more children, I hope she loved them with all of her heart. Why should I hope she wasn't able to love another child just because I was not a part of her life?

The commenters have raised good points: there are so many things about this particular woman's story that we don't know; how can we judge? It appears she made a decision not to raise that first child, for WHATEVER reason, which is frankly, no one else's business. And the choice? I highly doubt it was emotionless. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I explored all of my options, including giving her up for adoption. Finding out you're pregnant if you haven't planned for it can be a scary, scary thing. No choice is easy. We can only hope that the one we make is the best one for us at the time. 

I know this comment is all over the board and I'm sorry. If unfollowing the blog is what you want to do, then yes, you should. But your reason make me sad. I would hate for anyone to judge this woman for giving up a child for adoption. 

-Amy
Amy blogs over at This Northern Life ( http://thisnorthernlife.com ).

Women who are considering an adoption plan are told it is the unselfish thing to do. If they place, they are told they are selfish for not parenting. As an adoptive mother (from foster care, so that is a totally different ball of wax) I feel that the best thing my daugher's first mom can do for her is to live a great life. Do things that will make my daughter proud.

I think to unfollow is the right thing to do if it upsets you. I also hope you explore why you have these feelings that you don't understand. If it really hurts your heart to unfollow, ask the questions you have. Maybe you will go from zero answers to a few that you understand.

Best wishes.

Dena

www.redvelvetwisdom.com ( http://www.redvelvetwisdom.com )

what Dawn said

Because what I cannot stand is when a person who is feeling judgy continues to read and get annoyed to the point where suddenly they feel compelled to post what they are thinking.  Not saying that you would do that ('cause really, I don't even know you LOL) but I think that sort of thing DOES happen.

Giving up a child for adoption can be spun as selfless or as selfish, depending upon the facts and the perspective of the person evaluating the situation.  But regardless, I don't think it should be a life-sentence to be miserable for the rest of one's life, if they do this - even if they do it for what is perceived as selfish reasons.

I got pregnant at 17 (27 years ago now) and I chose to carry my pregnancy and raise my daughter.  But I faced the quandry of what to do, what to do... each path was fraught with risk and I don't begrudge anyone facing that for making a different decision.  In an philosophical way, I do not judge.  Given an individual set of facts and circumstances, perhaps I would.  I don't know.  But in general, anyone who has given up a child has my blessing to rise above the hardship of that and eek out her happiness in this hard world.

JustLinda fabulously imperfect Nothing to See Here... Just Linda ( http://justlinda.net )

I am so much more than just a birth mother. I let the title/role of birth mother define me for the entire first year of the Munchkin's life. That? Was draining. And it wasn't true or fair to myself or the other people in my life. I may be a birth mother. But I am also a mother, a wife, a writer, a photographer, a geek, a friend, a daughter and so on.

The points you made about your daughter's mom trying to enjoy her new son with the shadow of loss on her parenting is also very important. I may not have written every single time my sons have made me long, deeply, for my placed daughter but it is a part of my everyday. I don't write about it every single day because it would be rather redundant. Facial expressions. Words. Milestones. They all remind me of my loss, even if it's a happy reminder of how awesome she truly is.

One final point is the one of boundaries: I don't share EVERYTHING there is to share about my daughter because it's simply not my story. Her everyday achievements? That's for her mom to share. When you factor in that some open adoption relationships have very strict boundaries regarding what can and cannot be shared on the web, it's not surprising that this particular birth mother might be hesitant to share.

@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom ) from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com )

I appreciate the issue of sometimes realizing that someone we love online is not someone we would necessarily love in real life. (During the election there was one blogger I stopped reading because her politics were so so so different than mine are and her posts were often offensive to my values.) But this ended up hurting my heart as an adoptive parent.

I hate hate hate that my daughter's first mom is judged by people for placing her daughter with us. I hate that her experience as new mom to her beautiful son would be questioned or defined by her loss. How can anyone know what she's experienced without walking in her shoes? How can anyone judge her history without living it? 

My daughter's mom -- like your blogging friend -- is a whole person. She isn't "just" a birth mom. And if you love that person (or just loved her blog) then I don't understand why it isn't worth it to remain a part of her virtual life. If she chooses to share, you might learn something about her experience. If she doesn't choose to share (because that's her right, too), you could remind yourself that you cannot know the whole story. It's easier to judge her than to push to tolerance and I think that's a loss for YOU because this was an opportunity to deepen your compassion and you chose to refuse it.

I absolutely get the necessity to cut our losses sometimes and there are certainly blogs I don't read because their ideology doesn't jive with mine but to stop reading someone who I otherwise like because they made a choice I don't agree with or couldn't see myself making? Heck, if I did that my feed reader would be empty and I would have lost out on knowing a lot of really fabulous women.

I think you've done your friend a disservice and I think you've done yourself one, too. I hope you check out some of the excellent birth mom blogs (about.com has a nice list: http://adoption.about.com/od/newsandreference/tp/b... so you can understand more about your virtual friend's experience and won't be so quick to walk away.

Dawn

this woman's work ( http://www.thiswomanswork.com )

writing, mothering, writing about mothering

I guess I am confused by how you feel simply because I can't relate to feeling that way...yet, I acknowledge we are all entitled to our feelings.

I guess I look at a situation like that as I'm glad that the birth mom can be happy.  That means she made the right decision for her firstborn and is able to move forward in parenting her second born.  I wouldn't want someone to be so stuck in shame and guilt that it affected the rest of their lives.  And I bet that (at least privately) this mom struggles with the same things that Jenna mentioned above.  And whether or not she chooses to blog about those feelings is none of our business- and neither is her past.

Melissa Smallwood

www.multitaskingmama.com ( http://www.multitaskingmama.com/ )

Interesting.

I'm a birth mother who blogs about her birth daughter, her adoption relationship, her parented sons, life and everything in between. I originally formed two blogs to keep the issues separate, though I do talk about adoption on my "main" family blog on occasion. Do you know why I created the initial adoption blog?

The blogosphere as a whole doesn't want to hear about my grief, my loss, my sadness, my regret OR even my happiness or my peace. When I'm sad, people get offended or tell me to buck up. When I'm happy, I'm told that I'm not doing right by my daughter because I'm not sad enough. Add in the fact that talking about such heady emotions makes the average reader uncomfortable and having two blogs was the right decision for me. Neither blog is a secret, as made evident by my signature. One always links to the other. I'm candid about who I am and how I feel...

but I'm never going to please everyone with what I write. Neither was she. If it wasn't right for you, that's fine. But it's not her fault and this post is very finger-pointing at a mother who is likely trying to find a balance and is getting negativity no matter what she chooses.

We all have blogs that rub us the wrong way. Her decisions, however, and how she is trying to process them are her own issue. How they affect you, well, that shouldn't be added in to the process. It's hard to be a birth mother in this day and age, as it always has been. We're still told to move on, that our lives are better for what we have chosen. We try to play that out for as long as we can. Most often, the walls come crashing down. Knowing that we're judged on top of it doesn't help.

(I should add that I go through phases in which I can't read certain adoption blogs, no matter the triad position. As we're all in different places on our healing journeys, no matter our role, it's sometimes difficult to read. I always go back because I always, always learn.)

@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom ) from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com )

What is the right thing for you to do.

No one can really tell you that the way you feel about it is wrong or right. Reading things like that affect different people in different ways.  If it made you uncomfortable, then deleting that blog was the right thing to do for YOU. *HUGS*

I think you did absolutely the right thing.  So many people run into situations like this and instead of quietly backing away from what's making them uncomfortable, they choose to stick around, get angry and sometimes attack. 

If you don't like what you're watching, change the channel, right?

As far as that bummed out feeling that comes along with unsubscribing, I can totally relate.  The few times I've hit that dreaded button, I felt really bad. It's kind of funny it can feel almost like pushing aside a friend.