By UnderCoverMother on October 04, 2008
Ever have one of those days? I have them from time to time. This past week was really quite good. IT went down hill though. There were several nice/funny moments today, like when my elder daughter (remember, she is about 2.8 now) said, "Everyone in my family has funny noses." Which, between his wide flaring one and my sloping, Slovak one, is pretty much indisputable, we do have funny noses. I actually laughed at that. There were a few nice moments when my younger daughter and I were playing the game my mom plays with her which involves bending and straighting her little baby legs while pretending she's a choo-choo train...and my daughter laughed and smiled and giggled and all that. She's also starting to shake her head "no" and she signs "change" for "yo, dirty diaper here" and she signs "daddy."
Anyway, being a Mom is something I think I am pretty darned good at at least 75% of the time. Being a wife, however, well, I wish there were Spousal-ing Classes. The Parenting Classes I took were filled with fantastic tips and ideas and built my confidence and the level of joy in our house significantly. If I could find something similar to get my relationship with my spouse back on track...
Five years ago I went to a Sterling Weekend and spent something insane like $800 to come to my "I got my money's worth moment" of "it is women who fear committing." It was an eye opener. From that moment I accepted that I wasn't pulling my weight of responsibility for the way things turned out. However, I have lost all the helpful hints some how and I just succeed in pissing my dear hubby off pretty much constantly.
I must say that I know folks who married other folks who drink, or who left, or whatever and I really do realize I have it good. I married a fantastic person who I knew would be a great parent. It was a decision guided by my intellect as well as my heart and I stand by my choice to this day as it being one of the few things I have done as an adult that "mattered." He is really something special.
BUT, if my job is to manage this relationship, I have really fallen flat on motivating my "work team." My "corporate outings" even fall short of rejuvenating the group. Today, on our fifth anniversary, we had no sitter and we went duck pin bowling with the whole family, ate junk food from the snack bar and the time we almost had with only one daughter awake, I ended up falling asleep. No cards, no nice words, as a matter of fact, the day, excepting the aforementioned highlights, was basically a total wash of grumpy moods and tones of voice that had the elder daughter saying that we were "not talking nice to each other." And, she was, sadly, completely correct.
I tried to be romantic about it. I even found the "something blue" from our wedding and wore them today. Our attempts at getting family to watch kids was really something of a cosmic joke, I'm afraid. My mom is really ill (and an hour and a half away), his mom is dealing with her dad's hospitalization for a fall (and he's in his 80's so this is serious), his sister had company, his aunt just came out of surgery, etc. I was told I was not "up front" enough about wanting him to get a sitter. It is his family we were asking, I guess I should have just done it. Anyway, I do hope hope hope hope that the next half hour we can make up. I don't know if we'll kiss, but seriously, what an unhappy anniversary.
I am trying to think of something upbeat to end this entry with. The sun also rises?? No, I never read that book, I don't even know what it is about. Tomorrow will be a new day though, and while I guess I will never get my request to seek couples therapy, or mediation, or just someone to help us set up ground rules to "fight fair" when we do argue, perhaps it really is all we can do right now just to shove this mess under the carpet along with all the other dust there and hope that someday we can clean it all up. It is days like this that I feel so utterly alone. If my father were still alive, I would have called him hours ago and he may have been able to stop the downward spiral of unkindness that occured today.
Dad, where ever you are, if you can loan me some of your kindness and grace, please, send it this way. It is pointless to even cry.
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